5 Lessons in Dealing With a Crazy Ex
- belle
- 6 months ago
- featured-post, Newest, Small Box
- 3 Comments
My ex broke up my last relationship, but I forgave him and we became cordial. When we were together, he treated me like crap, but in the spirit of forgiveness, I moved on and told him we could be friends but we were never getting back together. He kept spending money on me, insisting that he was doing it from the heart because when he was down and out, I was there for him in the clutch. He then began asking for sex. I said, “Hell no,” and that we were never getting back together.
I went away for four months to study abroad. He would say, “I love you,” “Can’t wait to see you,” “I miss you,” etc. I missed him, but not in the same way. I asked him to pick up things while I was away and told him I would pay him back. I got back; he insisted it was a gift.
Long story short, a guy I fell madly in love with last year (but things never worked out) tried to make things work again. He asked me to be with him, and I said, “Yes.” My ex snapped. I feel bad for hurting him because I never want to hurt anyone. But I told him that we were not getting back together. What do I do? —Anonymous
Sigh. There is so much wrong with this story. I’ll begin with the bottom line: You should move on
with the new guy and stop speaking to your ex for good. The relationship with your ex, the ongoing back and forth, the hazy gray area you’ve both been playing in? All of it is done, unless you want to sabotage your current relationship, too.
Now, let’s go back to the beginning and discuss the myriad bad decisions that led to your ex flipping out. Hopefully you can find the (many) teachable moments in your story:
1. When a guy treats you like “crap” as his girlfriend, you don’t befriend him. It’s one thing to not want to be in a relationship anymore. That doesn’t make anyone a bad person. But the guy strings you along and dogs you on the way out? That is not a friend. You don’t give him the privilege of remaining in your life. He had his shot. He screwed it up by treating you poorly.
2. Forgiveness does not mean friendship. You should forgive the person or people who wrong you. Not for them but for you, so you’re not walking around bitter and angry at someone who may not even care. But there is no part of “moving on” that says you have to forget how someone has treated you and pretend everything is fine. You can forgive and love from afar.
3. Men who aren’t related to you do not make a habit of buying you things just to do so. The vast majority want something in return. Your ex wanted to continue the sexual relationship. When you didn’t respond to him implying it, he straight up asked like you were a prostitute. Any ego stroke you were getting from his attention should have disappeared then.
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About Author
Affectionately known as "Belle”, Demetria L. Lucas is the author of two books— A Belle in Brooklyn and Don't Waste Your Pretty; the creator of the award-winning personal blog ABelleInBrooklyn.com; and the founder of Coached By Belle, a boutique life-coaching service, where Demetria helps clients solve their dating dilemmas and build healthy relationships. Demetria is also a contributing editor for The Root, where she pens two weekly columns, and is a contributing writer for the websites of The Grio, XO Jane, Essence, Clutch, Vibe Vixen and Uptown. She was also the star of Bravo TV's docu-drama series, "Blood Sweat & Heels"
It’s so funny, I just watched A Thin Line Between Love & Hate the other day! It’s one of my favorite movies for 3 reasons: 1) Martin Lawrence is hilarious, 2) Lynn Whitfield acted her BUTT off and played ‘crazy’ to a tee and 3) There are some REAL life lessons in there for those playing the stringer and those being strung along. It’s a funny movie but it’s also REAL TALK! You can’t play with folks like that and you DEF can’t heavily involved with someone you don’t know like that for your own selfish gain and then be surprised when the worst comes of it. Martin played Lynn badly and though Lynn was crazy, her crazy wasn’t brought out for absolutely no reason.
I love how you didn’t absolve ole girl of responsibility. Sometimes we let flattery cloud our judgement and throw up our hands in innocence when the ish hits the fan. It’s good to hear from someone outside of the situation about taking responsibility in a situation like this were perspective can be so cloudy.
I can not stress enough the importance of a woman knowing her worth. As a woman who has gone through the ups and downs of dating, it becomes very disturbing to see women so desperate for love and the attention, that they are willing to be treated like trash. A Thin Line Between Love an Hate was a very good movie, showing how not only women but also men can be so easily persuaded from looks and allow their minds to be fooled into what they believe is love but is only lust!
I tell my friends quite often to always find time for yourself, teach the people you are involved with how to treat you, set standards for the people you want to have in your life, and boundaries for those you don’t, be clear on your intentions, and remain true to your character! The minute you forget to do these things it opens up the door for mistreatment.
I absolutely appreciate you writings, you speak truth and I can appreciate truth!
Thank you!
Insightful. I love the no BS approach! Too many are willing to take crap from men.