Baggage: The Greatest TV Show I Never Heard Of… Until Now
WE GOT BEEF, YA’LL!!!!
Why didn’t anyone tell me about “Baggage” on GSN?!*
This is great TV!!!!!!!!
I vaguely remember a first season episode of “Girls” mentioning it, but I wasn’t that into that show, so I didn’t bother to look up this show. Or maybe I didn’t think it was real. That’s my bad. I’ve been missing out.
If you’ve been living in TV’s Dark Ages like me, here’s how it goes: Man/woman has a choice of three people to chose to go on a date with. Each of the people has baggage—literally, they show up on stage with roller luggage.
The figurative baggage comes in three sizes—small, medium and large. On a recent episode, a woman’s small baggage was that she never voted, medium was that she doesn’t shave her legs or use deodorant, and big was that she stood up her ex at the altar.
She was up against a woman who smokes $150 of weed PER WEEK (small)—which when I posted about this on FB, I was told it wasn’t actually a lot if you smoke good weed— and screams and kicks in her sleep (medium). Then there was the woman who ate baby food (small).
Of the selection, baby food was the first to go, but only after she admitted that she’s dated more women than men.
The non-shaving, non-voting lady was selected by the man looking for love. Admittedly she, a Black girl, was cute as all get out. And the guy was a looker. But you know it takes more than that. And he came with his own baggage.
After the man/woman makes his choice, he has to reveal his big baggage. On this episode, the guy’s baggage was that he believed a woman’s role in a relationship was to be “barefoot and pregnant.” Yes, in 2014, a man actually said that. His reasoning was that gender roles need to be strictly defined in a relationship because when the sexes start fulfilling non-traditional roles, things get all hazy.
Non-shaving, non-voter turned him down.
The episode after that was a guy, a former NFL player, whose small baggage was that he wore dentures. He was hit in practice when he wasn’t a wearing a mouth guard. Fair enough. But then he volunteered to pop out his dentures on national TV. The whole upper-left side was missing. (I couldn’t get the image out of my head for the rest of the show.) Another guy collected Happy Meal toys, but it his was his way of bonding with his 6 year old son. The last guy couldn’t dance. He demonstrated. It was worse than “Elaine” from Seinfeld. The non-dancing guy’s medium baggage was he thought humans descended from aliens. He got the boot.
They have to be making up some of these storylines. I hope they are.
On Thursday’s night episode, a former “Rock of Love” contestant was faced with three options a guy who wanted his girl to make cartoon noises during sex, another guy collected animal teeth and bones. Explanation: his grandfather’s Native American), and the last guy—Black— wears mascara. Explanation: he’s an aspiring model. He uses it to darken up his mustache and beard on photo shoots. He also had on a lime green 90s shirt and matching shoes. This was the small baggage.
The medium baggage was a guy who has phone sex with his ex (lime green guy), a guy who lives in the woods three months out of the year, and a guy who is a recovering drug addict (2.5 years sober.) His guilty pleasure was watching porn bloopers.
Lime green was eliminated after revealing his medium baggage. His parting words were, “I gotta go. I got a phone call to make.” Ha! His big baggage was that he owned a sex toy company. Now I wonder what kind of “modeling” he did. Hmmm
The big baggage: Porn bloopers worked as a gigilo for awhile. The other guy cheated on his girlfriend with two different women in one night.
Porn bloopers got chose. Her baggage? She’s a Las Vegas stripper. He accepted her baggage.
Oh, and perhaps the best part of all of this: Jerry Springer is the host. You probably had to be a college student at the height of Springer-mania in the late 90s to know why this is so great.
Ya’ll are cruel for keeping this from me.
What’s your baggage? Small, medium and large. Give it up.
*If you’re wondering why a woman under 50 is watching the Game Show Network, it’s relaxing, hilarious and keeps the mind sharp. I’m also addicted to Steve Harvey’s Family Feud and vintage episodes of “20 Thousand Dollar Pyramid” too.