The Don Lemon Non-Dilemma
Wednesday, May 18, 2011 at 2:19PM So Don Lemon's gay, huh?
Nice.
And I say that with no sarcasm or malice. I think as a Black woman, I'm expected to get ticked when a successful, attractive Black man comes "out." At least, Lemon seemed to think so, describing to the New York Times why some Black men would rather keep their sexuality to themselves instead of facing our, i.e., Black women's, vitriol.
"You're afraid that Black women will say the same things they do about how Black men should be dating Black women."
Of course, Lemon is referring to the way some of us tend to go off at the idea of "our" men* dating a Kardashian or Amber Rose (is she Black? I actually think she is). Anyway, he's right— some of us will. But I think the rest of us are just so happy that there's one less man on the over-hyped down low (not that Lemon was**) that we're practically ushering him out of the closet and into the living room, despite his unwillingness to be a Black gay role model. (Lemon told Loop 21: "I'm not saying I wouldn't become an activist for the LGBT community or that's not a part of my future but right now I don't see that.")
Frankly, I'm neither shocked, surprised, or angry by his revelation (sorry to let you down, Don.) I've always thought Don was a cutie (I've interviewed him, great phone voice too), but I've never really pondered his sexuality one way or another. The big "aha!" for me in these news stories about him as of late is his age. Don Lemon's forty-friggin'-five? I had him pegged at early 30s. If there's a chapter in Transparent about living healthy, and keeping the Black uncracked, I will get up from my laptop, leave this essay unfinished, and run to the store right now! Forty-five and looking like that? Really, D?
Anyway. On his media tour, Lemon brings up some interesting, and valid, critiques on Black folk and homophobia. "[Being a gay man] It's about the worst thing you can be in Black culture," he told the Times. "You're taught you have to be a man; you have to be masculine. In the Black community they think you can pray the gay away."
I want to deny this and pretend it doesn't exist so that Black people can look better in the national spotlight, but um... isn't it way too true? We are, of course, not the only homophobes (in general, not all of us), but pointing the finger to say, "Well, White people do it too!" doesn't make our issues any less problematic. We, the Black people, do have some serious hang-ups with Black gay men. And whether it's because of the church, or patriarchy or just plain ol' ignorance and fear of the unknown, our refusal to just let folks be who they are is stifling and alienating. Don isn't the first to call Black people on it, but wouldn't it be nice if we somehow became more tolerant so he could be the last?
*but only the successful and attractive ones. You'll note there has been a marked difference in the way folk responded to Khloe and Lamar versus Reggie and Kim
**He's been very clear that his friends and colleagues knew he was gay. It's us who are just finding out, or for some, getting confirmation
Demetria L. Lucas is the Relationships Editor at Essence Magazine and the author of A Belle in Brooklyn: Your Go-to Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life (Atria). Pre-Order her book on Amazon.com
Reader Comments (17)
um, yea this is confirmation for me. and Don needs to sit down quickly and not flatter himself re: how black women will or wont react to him being gay.. dont use black women as your sorry excuse for not coming of the closet.
don's cute but definitely not on my list of "fall out, omg! another good black man falls out of the dating pool!! what ever will i do!"
but i do agree that homophobia is a HUGE problem in the black community. Huge. AND YES, black folks can be hyprocritical and judgemental.
I remember going to see Jumping the Broom (a movie about gay black men, that my firend suggested I see after explaining I don't know any gay black men) about 3 years ago. While in the lobby of the theater I noticed the huge crowds of gay and transgender men, I whispered to my friend "I just can't believe this." I live on the southside of Chicago and on my side of town, which is predominately black, I rarely saw gay black men that were out of the closet. On the northside, which is predominately white, they are everywhere and that proved to me that our (blacks) community is very quick to judge and not except a gay black man.
Actually, Don went on to say that coming out was even harder because he was a TV personality. He didn't blame or scapegoat BW for anything, imo. Being in an industry where there are 1. Few black faces and 2. Even fewer out (out meaning confirmed to the public in this case) personalities, one could understand his trepidation.
It's great that Don has come out. I'm saddened that we live in a society where someone's sexuality is news, and a topic of discussion. I've love to us move past it, but I doubt it will ever happen.
@ Zee- How bout I top yours. I grew up in an African house. In Nigeria- where the concept of two men over the age of 5 holding hands was inconceivable- let alone have intimate relations. My own father wouldnt let my brother hold my mothers purse for fear that he would lose any bit of his inherent machismo. The idea of being gay- and black makes me wince- only a little now, as ive become more tolerant and understanding with age. Its an issue we're all still very divided on as race based on certain stereotypes of what the "Black man " should be.
Bottom Line- What works for Don works. Come out when you wanna- and how you feel like. Not that he owes any of us anything..
"And whether it's because of the church, or patriarchy or just plain ol' ignorance and fear of the unknown, our refusal to just let folks be who they are is stifling and alienating. Don isn't the first to call Black people on it, but wouldn't it be nice if we somehow became more tolerant so he could be the last"
Again with the Patriarchy-Bashing. Such hate for our fathers.SMH. Anyway, black women are the majority of Church-goers. Not that they're any bit religious, they just go to church more. They also happen to be a large portion of single-mother households (Matriarchy). We're in a induced-Matriarchy and people really need to come off the blatant attacks because the matriarchy has some shameful numbers. Getting old.
Tolerance of gay people who put-down straight people I won't tolerate. Nor am I required. In the grievance category, I have gay people at about 20 slots down from Haitian Boat People of the 90's (contrast THAT with the lust for legalizing illegals now..RACISM) and a few slots up from Lions with thorns stuck in their palms.
Such happens when you construct a movement claiming: "We're just like those Black Folk from back then!!!"
ummm, NO. Too much piggy-backing with the wrong people who don't even respect the sanctity of MY institutions. Enough. I'm going with the Lion.
Dear Don Lemon,
Congratulations on "coming out," but I'd outed you in my head a while ago. Maybe it's my finely tuned "gaydar" or something about your mannerisms, but I'd never thought you were anything but gay.
All judgements/sarcasm aside, I think it's really sad when people feel the need to repress their true selves, for fear of how they will be treated. I honestly look forward to the day when people can openly be their authentic selves. As long as it doesn't bring harm to anyone else, I say live and let live. If you don't like it, don't look.
Don coming out as gay is no suprise to me, But does anyone remember when the Bisop Long scandal began and Don revealed that he had been molested as a child/teenager ? At that moment I knew there was more to his story because he was visibly moved not as a journalist but as a person by the situation that ppl would actually think the accusations were false because they were against a bishop in the black church. That was my "aha" moment
There is a huge difference between being marginalized and oppressed (thanks Fran Lebowiyz).
Why does a person's fear of NOT being accepted, has to be societies fault? Why do you expect me or wait for me to change so you can be who you are? That is craziness to me. In life you are who you are, ppl either like you or they don't. You don't have to like me, but you will respect me. I must say, I tend to agree with Craig.
I'm sort of surprised that Lemon's gay. I'm a little more surprised that the ladies here are saying he's cute. Good for you Don....well, not that you care or anything. And yeah he definitely looks early thirties. That's probably the biggest surprise.
@justme...im with you. Don was never on my cute list. always on my "tilt my head and give side eye when I see him" list. I went back and forth that he was either gay or wasnt checking for black women.
@Kym-i'm also with you. I recall that as well. It was obvious that it was personal for him on a number of levels. Also has anyone else noticed the number of gay men who admit to being molested as boys: don lemon, donnie mcclurkin and several guys I know in my inner and outer circles. One person I know (who was molested at 7 and is gay) suggested that a man's first sexual experience will be what he returns to-if its with a man, he'll naturally want to return to that. I dont want to get in the argument of are people born gay or do they chose to be so but I've been thinking about this more and more lately.
"One person I know (who was molested at 7 and is gay) suggested that a man's first sexual experience will be what he returns to-if its with a man, he'll naturally want to return to that."
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WOW!
I never heard that one before but I find it disturbing!!
In any case, I also wonder more and more whether being homosexual is innate or by choice. I don't have a problem with it but I would like to know more about it from a scientific viewpoint. Because (also as you pointed out) in too many instances there seems to be an incident of sexual abuse.
By the way I have seen Don in person and.... he looks better and YOUNGER on TV lol. But oddly enough I got a masculine vibe from him (my gaydar been broke) and he has a great energy about himself. He seems very down to earth and I wish him the best!!
He is 45.... I am shocked and amazed. I could careless about his sexual preference but his being 45 and not looking anything near it IS a big deal to me.
Eh....I know plenty of straight women who were molested as kids.
Unfortunately, molestation is common.
Sure there are some people who choose to be gay but looking at the discrimination, ridicule, etc. gay and lesbian people face, do you really think the vast majority of them CHOSE to be gay?
I chose to be gay the same day I chose to be black.
I'm just glad that it wasn't TJ Holmes.
But seriously, I have way too many Black gay friends that it doesn't even make much of a difference.
Interestingly enough, the conversation about Don's comments about Black culture demonizing homosexuality beget this conversation of are Blacks more homophobic then other cultures. But the reality is that he never said that Black people are more or less homophobic, he just said that it's the worst thing a man can be in the Black community and he is 100% right. There's no need to even compare and contrast us versus them (us being blacks, them being non blacks).
Wow, black American women! You are approving evil. Don Lemon falling into perversity neither benefits him of his health in the long run, nor does it benefit YOU, the black community. For men to be choosing to be with each other than populating the community. No wonder so many black women are single!