The Root: 'Dark Girls'- Can We Have True Healing?

Last week, OWN announced that Bill Duke's controversial documentary Dark Girls, which explores the colorism faced by dark-skinned women, would be heading to the network in June. I refer to it as controversial not because of the very important issue it tackles, but because I recall the discussions that the 10-minute trailer started when it hit the Internet.

Every black news site or blog worth its page views chimed in on Dark Girls, which was the whole point, according to Duke. In a 2012 interview with The Root DC, he stated that the film's purpose was "to create a discussion, because in discussion there's healing, and in silence there is suffering. Somehow if you can speak it and get it out, healing starts."

I believe Duke had good intentions in creating this documentary -- either that, or like Chris Rock's Good Hair, he knows colorism is a hot-button issue that will bring people out to theaters in droves and get them talking, good or bad. Still, there's a part of me that cringes at the film's concept. I'm fine with the airing of black folks' dirty laundry -- and that's largely because colorism isn't solely a "black issue." But frankly, I don't think we as a community are ready to really handle it without some serious therapy.

I'm sure there were pockets of discussions where healing took place, but mostly what I observe whenever colorism is discussed are well-meaning articles that tackle the ongoing issue of colorism and comment discussions that descend into melee. It gets ugly, really ugly. Fast. Instead of open discussion and healing, I see the scabs being torn off old, and fresh, wounds. I also see a lot of attacks on non-dark-skinned women, as if all of them were to blame for colorism's enduring persistence. Oddly, the role that men play and the beauty standards they perpetuate are left out of the discussion. (The topic, though, does come up in Duke's film.)

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The Root: 'Dark Girls': Can We Have True Healing?

Last week, OWN announced that Bill Duke's controversial documentary Dark Girls, which explores the colorism faced by dark-skinned women, would be heading to the network in June. I refer to it as controversial not because of the very important issue it tackles, but because I recall the discussions that the 10-minute trailer started when it hit the Internet.

Every black news site or blog worth its page views chimed in on Dark Girls, which was the whole point, according to Duke. In a 2012 interview with The Root DC, he stated that the film's purpose was "to create a discussion, because in discussion there's healing, and in silence there is suffering. Somehow if you can speak it and get it out, healing starts."

I believe Duke had good intentions in creating this documentary -- either that, or like Chris Rock's Good Hair, he knows colorism is a hot-button issue that will bring people out to theaters in droves and get them talking, good or bad. Still, there's a part of me that cringes at the film's concept. I'm fine with the airing of black folks' dirty laundry -- and that's largely because colorism isn't solely a "black issue." But frankly, I don't think we as a community are ready to really handle it without some serious therapy.

I'm sure there were pockets of discussions where healing took place, but mostly what I observe whenever colorism is discussed are well-meaning articles that tackle the ongoing issue of colorism and comment discussions that descend into melee. It gets ugly, really ugly. Fast. Instead of open discussion and healing, I see the scabs being torn off old, and fresh, wounds. I also see a lot of attacks on non-dark-skinned women, as if all of them were to blame for colorism's enduring persistence. Oddly, the role that men play and the beauty standards they perpetuate are left out of the discussion. (The topic, though, does come up in Duke's film.)

Read more: here

The Root: I Didn't Have His Back in A Family Feud; He's Mad

"My boyfriend invited me to a cookout with his family at his mother's house over the weekend. It started off OK, but he got into a heated argument -- yelling, cursing and all -- with some of his family about an ongoing family issue. He was wrong, and I flatly told him so. He got mad at me and walked out and went to his car. He was my ride, so I had no choice but to follow. We had plans to do something after the cookout, but instead he took me home. I texted him when I finally cooled off, and he responded that he needed 'time to himself.' He's mad at me like I did something wrong. What do I do now?" --P.T.

Both of you played a part in this unfortunate minidrama, but you can take the initiative to fix this situation by apologizing for your role in it.

You did do something wrong. Your boyfriend's sudden need for "time to himself" is likely as much about whatever led to a heated argument at a family function as it is your not having his back while it was going on. That's a big no-no.

There's really no question as to whether it's right for two family members to yell at each other at a cookout, but if that's how the family gets down, so be it. There's nothing you can do to change that dynamic. And maybe you are entirely right that he was dead wrong about whatever the issue was. But there was a time and a place to tell him that -- namely in a private conversation when you were in the car, or after he had time to calm down and receive a rational assessment. Siding against him on a serious issue -- which, clearly, it was to the people arguing, or else they wouldn't, well, be arguing about it in public, in front of family -- was a bad move.

In my thousands of conversations with folks over the years, nearly all of them have said that the most important trait in a partner (or a friend) is loyalty. It's imperative for them to feel that when the chips are down, their partner operates with them in a sort of "me and you against the world" mindset.

When you sided with his family in front of them, you weakened his stance on the issue. But perhaps more important, he already felt maligned by them -- hence the argument -- and now by you, too. It was him, alone, against his family, who he felt were doing wrong by him.

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The Root: Why Don't All Women Think Women Can Lead?

"Can a woman really make a good leader?"

I rolled my eyes dramatically and looked out at the Brooklyn, N.Y., skyline. I'd been invited to a rooftop event, a monthly brunch when a group of mostly accomplished women, with degrees and jobs and probably a side hustle or two, gather to network.

Usually I prefer brunches where attendees are left to their own devices to sip champers and talk among ourselves about whatever strikes our fancy. But this particular hostess organizes the conversation, an icebreaker of sorts to make sure we're all engaged. This isn't a bad idea. I just wished that the topic she'd picked was something juicy that would spark some quality debate. Usually we discuss dating and relationships, but this day she was branching out.

Back in March, the New York Times posed a similar question as the topic for its popular "Room for Debate" series. Across the Internet, women collectively were offended that the question even was being asked in 2013. There have been several studies by the Harvard Business Review suggesting that not only are women fit to lead but they also make better leaders, a conclusion reached by men and women alike.

It's a foregone conclusion with a resounding yes -- yes! A woman can lead. Asking about women's capability as if it is somehow up for debate is like seriously asking, "Do you think water is wet enough?" The flak over the Times' question was so bad that the publication ran a follow-up story on all the negative feedback.

So there I sat, surrounded by women, gazing blankly at the Barclays Center in the distance and wondering what woman in her right mind was going to say, "No, no -- I, woman, think a woman would make an unfit leader simply because she is a woman."  

And then the woman sitting next to me spoke up. "Well, it depends," she began, instead of giving the "Uh, duh" I expected to hear.

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The Grio: Street Harassment: No, It's Not Flattering

Last week, I was contacted on Twitter by a man who recently stumbled across an article I’d once written about street harassment, the bane of existence for every black woman walking, well, the street. My piece mused on the best way to engage the sorts of men who yell at women to “smile,” tell them how “sexy” they are (all while eye-humping them), or yell out of cars to tell women just how much they would enjoy a romp. Classy, right?

The man in question wanted me to know this: “you should be thankful (ESP. black women) that n****s is [sic] giving you the time of day. Stop taking street harassment for granted.”

Sigh.

Usually, I would ignore a comment like this, but the man’s inarticulate perspective is one I’ve heard before — actually anytime I’ve read the male comments on a post on street harassment. Many men, I’m afraid, just don’t get how awful, demeaning, violating (and common) this practice is no matter how often and long women complain about it. Some say that women are blowing it out of proportion, that men hollering in the street isn’t harassing, but flattering.

Street harassment: It’s not flattering

“How can women complain that they are single and there are no men, when they ignore the men that show interest?” they ask. “Isn’t that like shooting yourself in the foot?”

There’s a disconnect. So instead of getting frustrated or angry, let me attempt to build a bridge so that there’s more understanding.

The average, socially-adjusted woman is not offended by a man who says “Excuse me, miss,” or approaches her to say “Good morning,” “You look nice today,” or some such. That’s not harassment, that’s a compliment. And if it’s been a light day for street harassment, most straight women will welcome a kind word from a stranger.

However, if it’s been a heavy street harassment day, she’s probably not trying to hear it. By “heavy,” I mean any sunny day, especially if it’s a warm one and she’s not covered in a burka (and I’m sure a Muslim woman on U.S. soil has a story about being harassed in a burka). And by the time you — because of course you are a nice man, because in the history of reading and writing about street harassment, I’ve never seen a male commenter confess to it despite the overwhelming presence of men who actually do it — encounter her, she’s been through hell.

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Is It Ever Ok to Snoop?

Over the weekend, I attended a brunch where I had an interesting discussion with a few women, some of who hold a rather cynical view of relationships. The cynics believed that all men are capable cheating, and further this makes them justified in snooping through emails, cell phones, voicemails and stalking her significant other (and all potentials for the position) on social media. Their position: if you don't check that a man is cheating, then how do you really know he isn't?

Le sigh.

Admittedly, this outlook isn't exactly farfetched. According to a study on Men's Fitness, 70 percent of women do an online search before agreeing to go out with a guy, and 63 percent of guys do the same before going on a first date. The same poll also found that 49 percent  of women have checked their lover's computer history, and 76 percent go through the e-mail inbox if it's "accidentally" left open.

If you've ever read anything I've written on cheating and snooping, then you know my position: this is ludicrous. All of it.

Do all men have capability of cheating? Of course. (All women do too.) Do all men-- or women-- cheat? No. There are people, including men, who don't. There is a type of person who is or becomes dissatisfied or just desires what you aren't offering and they leave to explore other horizons as a single person who can do as they please with no accountability to anyone but themselves. That's the type of person we should all desire to be with.

If that's not the type of person you believe you are with, snooping is still not okay. Here's the thing, digging through pockets and cracking passwords is a sign that you don't trust your mate. Trust (and communication) are the core foundations of any relationship. If you lack trust, then I have to wonder why you are there. And further, if you believe all men cheat and you're not okay with cheating, then why do you even want a man? If you have this outlook, either you putting up with cheating or staying with a man who cheats is the inevitable outcome, no?

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