You're knee-deep in wedding plans right now, but I suggest putting them on hold until you and your fiancé reach some sort of resolution on this issue, if that's even possible. Not being on the same page with your partner about having children is a deal breaker.

Your fiancé probably thinks that you can be convinced to have children once you are married. I'm concerned that he has chosen to ignore your oft-stated perspective on this issue. He seems certain that he will get his way, and I can't tell from your letter if that's from a sense of entitlement or just wishful thinking.

It's unfathomable to many people that a woman genuinely, honestly, really doesn't want kids, but many women don't. A 2008 Pew Research study found that among women ages 40-44, there were equal numbers of women who are childless by choice and those who would like children but cannot have them. Additionally, 1 in 5 American women end their childbearing years without having birthed a child. (In 1976 only 10 percent of women were doing so.)

I'll guess that over the years, when you've revealed that you don't want children, your desire not to become a parent has been brushed off. You've likely heard some version of a patronizing "Oh, just wait" or "You'll grow out of it," as if you'll come around in time. There's a popular saying that goes, "When men say no, it's the end of an argument; when women say no, it's the start of a negotiation."

You have to explain to your partner that this isn't a passing phase, and you won't suddenly wake up one day and decide, "Yes, kids, please!" You are no more likely to be convinced to want children because he does than he will be convinced not to want them because you don't.

You've done the right thing by telling him all along that you do not want children. (Most women I hear from who don't want children have avoided telling their partner the truth for fear of rejection.) And though you've told him several times now, you need to tell him again -- and again -- until you're sure he gets it. Before this wedding takes place, he must understand that you are serious about not having children.

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Courtesy of VIBE magazine I’d seen the latest Vibe cover by the time my inbox, twitter feed, facebook and formspring were deluded yesterday with people sending it to me or asking, well, “Have you seen...?”

Yeah. I have.

People kept asking me if I was going to write about it, thinking I was going to go-off in 1000 or so words about Vibe losing their gotdamned mind. I figure there’s plenty of bloggers who stayed up late tough-typing to do just that. And if I was going to repeat what everyone else said…? Meh. I’d rather get some sleep.

But I’m still on Vegas time, three hours behind. And I’m in Maryland visiting my folks and the slow-crawl of suburbia is actually keeping me awake. So here goes… and no, it’s not what you’ll expect me to say. If I’m writing that, what’s the point?

I laughed when I saw the VIBE cover featuring Tamar Braxton, Kandi Buress, Evelyn Lozada, and Chrissy Lampkin all sporting f***-me heels and boobs pushed to gravity defying heights. It wasn’t the image, it was the coverline. “Meet Your New Role Models”— a declaration, not a inquiry— is everything. It’s graphic genius. Shade at it’s best. The problem is, I think that went over most people’s heads.

Magazine coverlines are the bread and butter. You can put Pulitzer-winning content inside, but if the cover sucks no one will ever know but subscribers because no one will pick it up on a newsstand and say, “hmm… what’s in here?” That’s the point of coverlines. Everyone judges books – magazines are called such in-house— by their covers. The right coverline with the right image is what compels newsstand buyers to make a Blink-like decision to pick up the mag and flip thru it (engagement) or to make a snap decision to buy it (cha-ching).

Editors obsess over coverlines for days. They gather everyone witty  in the office to come up with catchy ways to describe the issue’s best stories. They make a long list of a million different ways of saying the same thing in the shortest, punch-packing way possible. Coverlines are carefully thought up by consensus, then narrowed down by the HNIC. Then he or she picks a few favorites, and has the overworked creative director slap them on the various images being considered for the cover.

The Editor in Chief gets all these versions of the cover and throws them up on a wall side by side by side (at least), then stares at them for hours, if not days, tweaking and re-tweaking until the words and image are perfect, or something like it. This isn’t rocket science, but it’s close.

I assure you that someone(s) thought long and hard about this seemingly blasphemous cover line that’s got everyone so riled up, and in the end said, “f*** yeah! Let’s do it!” and laughed wildly about the sh**-show that was to come, one that was undoubtedly courted and welcomed.

It’s no different than Time putting on the cover a near-four year old kid snacking on his mom’s boob, or Newsweek trying to one-up Time by declaring President Obama "The First Gay President" and giving him a rainbow halo. It’s just like this time last year when VIBE put a bare-chested, tat-covered, C-titty-cup having Rick Ross on the cover of the 2011 Sexy Issue and sat back and waited for the collective, “what the f---?!” that came like clockwork.

The cover line that’s ticked everyone off so is akin to a 6’4 guy calling one of those 5’2 testosterone filled, overly aggressive lil’ dudes “hey, Big Man”  just for kicks. You’ve called him big, but no one thinks he is just cause you said it.  You can call Evelyn and Chrissy and Tamar “hey, role models” and they might answer, but if you have any sense, you're in on the joke, or at least you should be.  It’s the same as a drunk guy yelling at the emperor, “hey, I like your clothes!” And near everyone in the crowd laughs… at the emperor.

I'm sorry to hear that you are in pain, but don't allow your grief to cloud your judgment. The person you care so much about has made it clear that he is not interested in pursuing a relationship with you, much less marriage. He has been up-front and, so it seems, upstanding. And he has made a decision about what he wants. What "other folks" think or see, and even what you think, doesn't matter. No means no. Respect his candor and his feelings, and also keep a little of your pride by not pushing this issue any further.

You seem to have invested a lot of emotional energy into this friendship and have become a bit deluded about what was occurring between you and him. You note that you love and care about him but describe how he "cares" for you -- no mention of love. This points to an imbalance in the feelings between the two of you.

You are also "at a loss for words" over a man telling you he doesn't want to spend his life with you. I'm curious why you even thought he would. He was "only" a friend, not even a boyfriend. If he had not committed to the foreseeable future and did not love you, as you implicitly acknowledge, what made you think that he was remotely interested in forever-ever?

The options you suggest for dealing with this issue won't only strain the existing friendship; they will also embarrass you and leave you further depleted in the long run. Often how this scenario plays out is the guy flat out rejects you again, which means he's actually doing you a favor. Or, worse, he occupies his downtime with you despite not wanting a full-blown relationship, and you continue to pursue his affections. This is a mistake that many women make while dating, one that can lead to bitter spirits and broken hearts.

You're painting yourself into a gray area. He's not entirely right for accepting your ego-stroking attention or bed-warming affection, but he's not exactly wrong, either. After all, he's done his part by telling you what the situation is -- that it's nothing serious and going nowhere -- and as you continue to pursue him, you're tacitly accepting that you're OK with that arrangement.

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