Does His Occupation Make Him Cheat?
Thursday, October 15, 2009 at 9:14PM
Are men with certain occupations prone to cheat?
Back in August, I wrote a story for The Magazine, “Who Wants to Marry A Millionaire?” featuring five Black seven-figure earners. There was a CEO of a security firm, a producer, an NFL Player, a former MLB player and now a corporate exec, and an IT professional who had government contracts.
The mail poured in- most of it positive, especially since the men’s emails were listed. There was also some not so positive mail that accused me of insinuating Black women were gold-diggers (um, it's okay to like a wealthy man and get to know one as long as 1) you ain't solely after his money; and 2) you genuinely like the guy.) And then there were the women who were pissed that I'd recommend men of certain professions.
One lovely "woman" Kim Johnson of Ontario, Canada looked my name up and emailed me [a 500 word rant] at my Belle account (which I do not respond to work questions from).
An excerpt from Ms. Johnson:
This year's list was so disappointing. Yes, we would all like to marry someone who is financially established. But an NFL player? Do the words 'NFL' and 'faithful' go together? The music producer - there's another industry that glorifies casual sex and one night stands. And he wants to marry one of us? RIIIIGHT.
What happened to the lists with men who weren't craving the spotlight (or in it)? What happened to the everyday dude who has a nice smile, a decent job and looking for love?
Or did [The Magazine] *demand* that you write an article with multi-millionaire 'single' brothers (when a few of them aren't)?
I know we're in a recession and many writers will take whatever they can get. But to write an article that perpetuates the myth that Black women are the g-word (gold-diggers) was a shame. A letdown.
Hmm.
The NFL player, I can’t speak for. He was cool. I don’t know him-know him to vouch on him.
The producer though? He writes love songs for a living and is about the nicest guy you’d ever want to meet. He is/ was seriously looking for a lady to WIFE not just hump around with.
Anyway.
I meant to write on this topic then... But I couldn't figure out if I was pissy about her e-mail, which came thru on my BelleBerry while I was partying on the W rooftop at CBC and I didn't want to give credence to crazy with an immediate (and pissed off) response. [Honest moment: I was also annoyed 1) that I often go above and beyond to avoid mentioning my job on here so I won't be bothered about The Magazine business and 2) that she took the time to look me up, but not the time to figure out where I worked. I mean if you’re gonna be ballsy enough to blast someone, know of what you speak, you know?]
I thought about this idea again when I was flipping through the new Giant, the one with Paula Patton on the cover being proclaimed the next Halle Berry (um.. Is that a compliment?) Anyway, there's a brief roundtable of baller wives/fiancees discussing infidelity (this came about because of the Steve McNair drama). In that brief roundtable, I found this gem:
GIANT: Do 100% of athletes cheat?
Evelyn Lozada (financee of Antoine Walker): Not quite [laughing] like 92%. I’m just saying what I’ve seen
[Belle note: I was baffled to understand why she was engaged to one then. Like, does she think he's in the 8% or does she not care?]
Samantha Telfair, wife of Sebastian Telfair: But I think 92% of all men cheat.
Mercedes Cotchery, wife of Jerricho Cotchery: I thought they all cheated, but then I married my husband and don’t think that anymore.
Marci Mason, wife of Derrick Mason: When he’s out of your sight, you don’t know what he’s doing.
Cotchery: I know where he is.
Mason: You know what he tells you.
Hmmm. Perhaps I'm naïve. I don't think all men cheat. (Essence did a survey of 5K+ men once. 60% confessed to cheating.) I do think most people— men and women— do cheat on some level (emotional is as bad as physical minus the health risks). And like Telflair, I don't think a profession or even the amount of money a man makes him more determined to cheat on his wife. If you’re the cheating kind, you are, and that’s whether you’re pushing on the block, pushing a mail cart, pushing a tricked out Escalade, or your account has pushed past seven figures.
The guy on fries may not pull the same beauty/education “caliber” of women, but he’s still getting it thrown at him. Daily. So is the minister, the accountant, the mailman, the personal trainer, the senior high school/college student, the pharmaceutical sales dude, the lawyer, doctor, the guy in the mailroom, and the dude on the block. Oh, and the dude without a job, be it legal or “otherside of the game. Cheating or having the pum pum thrown at a man, isn't about his career choice or the money he earns, or even the number of women he encounters.
Nor, for that matter, is any of that — profession, money, perks— the core reason behind some women’s willingness to stick around with a cheater. We all know women— hell, you might be one— who’ve stayed with a cheating dude who never provided more than hard- D and bubble gum, much less a vacation for you and the girls, a leased whip, or a down payment on anything.
So what say you, Belleionaires? Does your profession make you cheat? Are you more likely to whore as an athlete or producer, as Johnson suggests? Or is it all equal across the board.
And if there are professions where men are more likely to cheat, which are the ones in which they’re more likely not to?
Don’t say priest.
Discuss.
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Reader Comments (64)
IMO, cheating is a serious character flaw and character has nothing to do with socioeconomic status. Ergo, I agree with you Belle. A person who will cheat on you will do it no matter what their profession is.
I get so touchy with women who start staments with "all men..." Shxt bothers me forreal forreal. I don't think the actions of many should reflect on the actions of all.
Like Areefuh said, "cheating is a character flaw and character has nothing to do with socioeconomic status."
Don't think all men cheat. I also think cheating is a character flaw, like AS. I think the foolishness men spew about not being biologically wired to be monogamous is some bull cacka *at best*, but I'll leave it at that. There are plenty of women who don't mind being w/ cheaters- as long as they are 'kept'. Find one of them. Don't enter a relationship with the premise of monogamy and then cheat, and try to change the rules during the 4th qtr on some #menaintwiredtobefaithful bullspit. Epic fail.
In regards to ole girl and the 92% of players cheat (and your question about whether she feels her dude is in 8% or just doesn't care). I'm thinking she knows he's in the 92% (*her* estimate). She's probably turning a blind eye in exchange for some numb wrists.
In regards to this:
"The producer though? He writes love songs for a living and is about the nicest guy you’d ever want to meet. He is/ was seriously looking for a lady to WIFE not just hump around with."
For clarification, are you assuming he's not a cheater b/c he's a producer that writes love songs, and says he wants a wife? I just want to clarify.
Anyway, again, I don't think all men cheat, but I'm not naive either. I also think that it happens across SES levels. I think certain professions do seem to be associated with more infidelity, but I liken that to the schedule, career demands, work environment, etc. The thing about that though, is that it doesn't mean *because* one works in that field they *will* cheat. It just means that the environment makes certain things more likely, or more socially acceptable w/in that subculture. However- character (in my opinion) trumps that. And someone who wants to remain faithful, can absolutely do so- regardless of environment. Career cannot be blamed for a lack of character.
Men with certain occupations and incomes are more likely to cheat for a simple reason: People are as faithful as their options.
The higher people rise on the socio-ecnomic, fame, status scale the more likely they are to cheat...IMO.
Cheating is not a character flaw...it's time and opportunity.
"For clarification, are you assuming he's not a cheater b/c he's a producer that writes love songs, and says he wants a wife?"
no.
that said, all types of people cheat. good disposition or otherwise. i object to the idea that a profession makes a man cheat, but specifically the producer featured just because of his profession. It's a stretch for her to come up with the idea that he specifically is a whore based on her criteria. his industry may make songs about one night stands and casual sex (not cheating if you're in a relationship) but he's never written that type of song to fall into her generalization, to my knowledge.
that you take the time and opportunity to step out of a relationship on someone who believes you are monogamous or that you have vowed to be faithful to is a character flaw. not holding your word or purposefully disregarding it is a character flaw.
the mail room guy has options. the "caliber" may be different, but he has plenty of options.
On another note: the numbers suggest about 50% of men cheat - so all men don't cheat - just half do.
I would bet those numbers rise if you looked at certain professions /income brackets.
I don't beleive you can date a high status man (athlete, entertainer, millionaire, etc.) and some cheating not happen - it's not a character issue (for me at least) - it's a numbers game.
I'm sure there are those who don't - I just think they are in the minority.
Now there are a small percentage of men (regardless of SES) who are going to cheat b/c they feel that's what men do - you either don't date them or you keep a man on the side.
or, for that matter, is any of that — profession, money, perks— the core reason behind some women’s willingness to stick around with a cheater.
I disagree - I think for women who are married to high status men cheating alone is probably not a reason to leave (I don't think cheating alone is a valid reason to leave any marriage) particularly if it means a huge downgrade in your and your child's lifestyle...those are real reasons to consider whether you stay or go.
"Men with certain occupations and incomes are more likely to cheat for a simple reason: People are as faithful as their options."
@SBW to assume all men who make a lil dough cheat, is that to say that if a woman wants a faithful man she should go with the broke, ugly dude with no swag or spitgame since his options are likely more limited?
"lifestyle..."
IMHO is not worth the potential for STDs and HIV that he exposes himself, and me by proxy. my health/life is more important than any lifestyle.
@SBW to assume all men who make a lil dough cheat, is that to say that if a woman wants a faithful man she should go with the broke, ugly dude with no swag or spitgame since his options are likely more limited?
I didn't say all - I said it was a numbers game - and the numbers are probably not in your favor.
Look - my perception of this is a little different simply b/c I'm the go to girl that men want to make their mistress. I have regularly been propositioned by "good men" with wives/girlfriends/fiancee who would gladly and desperately have me be the side chick if I would agree.
I've listened to these same men extol the virtues of the women in their lives and profess their love and even tell me when and how they are going to propose as they try and get in my pants and these aren't your mail room type dudes...hell my millionaire Uncle and his whole slew of friends are some of the biggest whores you will ever meet.
I don't beleive all men cheat.
I don't beleive all rich men treat.
I just think when people (not just men) have more options - they are more likely to cheat.
*shrugs*
Take it from a person who is always the other woman without actually being the other woman.
IMHO is not worth the potential for STDs and HIV that he exposes himself, and me by proxy. my health/life is more important than any lifestyle
Perhaps.
But I can't sit here and tell you I'd uproot my child's life simply 'cause I had a cheating husband....by lifestyle I'm not talking diamonds and rings...I'm talk private school, stable neighborhood, college, life experiences and mental well being of my child.
Who said you had to sleep with the cheating husband or do so without protection - their is to much at stake in divorce - a risk I cant tell you I'd be willing to take b/c I had a cheating husband (depending on the nature and depth of the cheating).
"but specifically the producer featured just because of his profession. It's a stretch for her to come up with the idea that he specifically is a whore based on her criteria. his industry may make songs about one night stands and casual sex (not cheating if you're in a relationship) but he's never written that type of song to fall into her generalization, to my knowledge."
Okay, I was assuming that she was basing that off of the nature of the field, and not just the nature of the music? But I can't presume to read her mind, so I could be wrong.
On another note, I disagree with the statement "A man is only as faithful as his options". I think its a load of bulll. It's basically saying that only men with no options can be faithful. So assuming that having options means the man is desirable, and not having options means the man is undesirable -> any women claiming to have a faithful husband, must be married to someone nobody else wants? I don't believe that. Call me naive.
"I'm talk private school, stable neighborhood, college, life experiences and mental well being of my child."
not worth my health/life. we'll make do with a healthy/living mommy.
stay in a sexless marriage for the lifestyle? lol. i'll pass. folks need to get their priorities, money, and self-esteem in order. be miserable and disappointed with your man to keep your lifestyle? why? unhappiness and too, drama, is not worth it.
this is a prime reason why I'm such an advocate of a woman having her own. so she's not stuck in bad situations or she can have something decent for herself if she needs to leave a man who isn't doing right by her.
protection means nothing against herpes and genital warts.
one in TWO Black people carry the herpes simplex 2 virus (ie genital herpes) according to the CDC
condoms break.
Black women make up 50% of new HIV cases in America.
it's not worth the worry.
a cheating man is a straight up health risk. people look at the broken trust and disloyalty aspect. cheating is more than just sex.
I would think that any profession that has a man traveling a LOT, spending a lot of nights outside of his home & in places were no one knows him...no one to hold him accountable...those professions are the ones that would seem to be the professions that would have a "higher cheat rate". So pilots, flight attendants, pro athletes, etc...
As a med student, the numbers are real talk Belle. Not to mention LOTS of folks do not use protection for oral sex. HSV-2 can be transmitted from mouth to genitals- and that happens more than ppl think. It can also be spread from mom to baby through the birth canal- so when folks aren't (at the very least) thinking of their spouse's lives, they should at *least* be thinking of the health and safety of their kids.
This is why some of us lose our minds over guest posters. Great topic! Gotta think about this one...
Like I said I understand why people stay.
Life is rarely so black and white for most...and yes women should have their own...but their are plenty who don't and I don't advocate poverty either, particularly when kids are involved and since a large percentage of women fall below the poverty line after a divorce..well.
Perfect example:
I have a friend who's husband was cheating with everything that moved while she was on bed rest with their now 2 year old twins. He was buying hookers of of Craigslist and at the strip crib with their life savings.
She's still married to him - why 'cause of the twins. She had to stop working 'cause of the mandatory bed rest. It's near impossible to find a job in her field right now due to the economy and the city she's in. He pays all the bills and doesn't want a divorce and until she can devise an exit strategy that doesn't involve her and her children being in the poorhouse...she's staying. They are in a sexless marriage now.
An honestly that's the right decision. She can't afford to take care of those boys without him...not having sex is not a big price to pay when your kids livelihood is at stake.
I have another friend in a similar situation except their are 5 kids at play and she is stay at home mom --- with 5 kids a daycare bill would be atrocious - They agreed to stay together until the youngest was in college - it's been ten years now - ten years of a sexless marriage for my friend, but her kids are thriving...which was the point.
She's just starting to get ther life together and since the youngest is almost a teenager she might leave b4 he goes off to college. With 5 kids - I can't sit here and tell you I would have been running off seeking a divorce - a single mom of 5 - not so much.
So life is rarely so black and white - STD's and all.
is the logic that the fry guy only gets 5 women serving it, so he won't cheat
but that athlete has 50 women trying to serve it, so he will.
what's the threshold? i'm a doctor so only 10 women throw it vs. i'm in the NBA so I have 1000?
if he's getting just one other woman throwing it at him and he takes her up on the offer, is it not the same as the athlete who takes up with 10 women? cheating with one versus cheating with more than one. does it matter?
This is such a sensitive issue. No profession or any other outside factor MAKES a person cheat. More often than not when a person cheats they are looking for something. Whether the issue be not being happy with their partner or they have internal issues that motivates infidelity, there is something missing. Im a firm believer in taking responsibility for our actions, and making sure we are in the right physical, mental, and emotional state to lead the type of lifestyle we want should be top priority. Yes money, prestige, and stature are as irresistable as a $2.50 blow job to a sex addict for some women. However that doesn't excuse cheating. It is up to the individual to establish the proper mindset condusive to a healthy and faithful relationship regrardless to who or what may be serving the goods on a silver platter (or popeyes napkin for that matter). It doesn't matter if your signature begins with president or you push a mop for a living, cheating is a choice.
another great piece of advice from my mother. never have more kids than you can afford to take care of on your own..
wow at your friends. i still believe there are always options, even with 5 kids. my misery and my self-respect are not worth any price. what kind of life is that to lead where the man you married is buying whores on Craig's List while you're carrying his kid?
i think women who are miserable and put up with whatever for the money, for the marriage do a HORRIBLE disservice to their kids. your friends scenarios are morality tales. curious, why did she have 5 kids for a man who was cheating on her?
There's a blog on here about my friend's mom who stayed with her philandering husband till the last kid went to college. Her biggest regret is that she didn't pack up her 3 kids and bounce a looooong time ago. My girl always laments how her mother should have left and her parent's example makes her afraid of marriage.
No, the logic is you may be able to turn down 5-10-15-20 women down you may NOT be able to turn down 50-100-200 very aggressive women..
Numbers....
And women who go after the top of the food chain dudes can be EXTRA bold - be on tour buses, posted up naked in hotel rooms - waiting for guys b4 and after the game - yeah - and these guys spend loads of time away form home - it's the numbers....
curious, why did she have 5 kids for a man who was cheating on her?
She didn't have 5 kids by a man who was cheating on her - the problems started after the 5 kids were already in existence...when you have kids it just not about your happiness, it's about what's best for them...the women I mentioned aren't arguing with their husbands, there's no drama...life is normal with the exception of mommy and daddy sleep in different rooms.
Their options were poor house or stay put...those are choices but not those I would want to have.
there's no drama...life is normal with the exception of mommy and daddy sleep in different rooms.
You cannot convince me that they are happy in these scenarios. You want to leave someone but you can't. You're stuck, at least for your POV.
There are always other options. we are only limited to the scope, or lack thereof, of our creativity.
people have this idea that motherhood means falling on the sword and putting your ownself last. a Mommy who is miserable and unhappy or maybe just going through the motions is not beneficial to anyone. what a wonderful example to set for the kids.
I don't buy that five kids in, he just started cheating. But that's neither here nor there. She needs to find a new skill she can use to sell something, to make some money, so she can leave.
you really think the fry guy doesn't get hardcore propositioned? oh- kay. *blank stare* maybe not as often, but as hard? definitely. I know a couple NFL players, I know a couple mail room guys. their single stories are widely similar, only the frequency of the ones who are "outchea" changes.
so an "average" guy can resist 20 aggressive women but a baller at 50 he just says "Fuck it? NOW I'll do it? but if only 20 hollered I could resist?" Oh- tay.
that doesn't even sound right.