Yeah, I think this list basically covers everything.lol. I would say we should add co-signing for stuff (ie: cars) but that pretty much goes with putting your name on anything.

Tattoos should be on there too. I don't know why people are still dumb enough to put someone else's name on their body.

The only one I have an objection to is cooking. I cook for friends, male or female, that I care about. It's a trade off though. If you buy the ingrediants, I'll cook it at YOUR house, and you can do the dishes (that goes for males or females). -I never use my dishes, or my kitchen though. Just my cooking skills.lol.- But, everything else, I pretty much co-sign on.

I remember this,..."why you doin' the most? lol". And the line about the Cricket phone killed me! He's dead on about a lot with his spin on energy..watching what we attract or put out there. Conscientiousness at its most intentional, which means its hard work. But, of course, his spin also only matters to people who privilege the act of getting and being married although some of it could spill over to those who don't.

I agree with a lot of his topics but do feel as if he took some things to the extreme. I would like to think that there are many exceptions to these situations so I do not automatically feel that you are "doing the most" (which was way too funny) if you want to lay up under your boyfriend. As long as 1)you two aren't living together and 2)your life remains productive, then what does it matter?

He's right.

If you're over 25 and your'e not married you're single.

If you're over 25 and been with dude for more than a year and you're not married you're REALLY single.

Chicks dudes live with are usually second best chicks..they're still looking for number 1.

It's just as easy to propose as ask someone to live with you.

Now none of this matters if you're not looking to be married...but huh...I don't advocate seeing any man everyday if ya'll aren't married - not even engaged - but married.

If you wanna husband I don't advise playing wife until you have a ring on your finger and "I Do's" have been said.

Having a baby by someone you are not married to. I always tell people, marriage is a lot less permanent than a child…it only takes 6 months to end a relationship in divorce, but a child is a lifelong connection to a person you probably wont even like in 9 months.

That's not really true.

I have 0 drama with my daughters father.

I know plenty of people who have drama with their exes.

Both situations - divorce - children - are what the two parties involved make it.

And divorce with kids...well I'm sure that's a bitch.

Some of the topics I agree with such as shacking up and having unprotected or any sex for that matter if you're not married. However, one topic or "rule" I couldn't wrap my head around was the concept of "my" or claiming your significant other. When two people are in a committed relationship with the intention of getting married it is just a natural impulse to claim them and call them yours. Louis said something along the lines of "the time before marriage is called an engagement" but in order for that title to be given there must be a ring involved and there must have been some sort of romantic history and that is what the time spent before the engagement is. Some call it courting or dating, but it is more than just "kickin it" or saying that "this ain't no love thang" *cue Love Jones* when two people are in a committed, exclusive relationship. Now, I'm not saying that all long term relationships are destined for marriage; I wish that were the case because why else would you spend "X" amount of time with someone with no intention of making it official but that's the way things go sometimes. However, I don't feel like it's right to say that you shouldn't claim someone you're in a relationship if you have intentions of getting married. Before you get to that engagement stage when you will introduce your significant other as your fiance, you aren't going to introduce them as "the special individual who has been in my life for "X" amount of blissful years whom I someday hope to marry", they aren't the main event at a performance so what do they need that long title for? Instead, you are going to introduce them as "my" boyfriend/girlfriend/man/woman. I don't think that claiming someone as yours is a bad thing when you two have agreed on the title and have agreed to follow the guidlines that come with that title. Saying that someone is "yours" shows that you are proud that they are in your life and hopefully, if they agree with the title, they are proud to be a part of yours.

I agree with him for the most part - seems like the more he talks the more contradictory he gets so Im cosigning the beginning. My mother always said "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" - so even though I am in a committed relationship there will be no sharing of milk until the cow is paid for! A lot of us get caught up and think we are just giving advances on what we KNOW is coming. Things that should be reserved for a husband. So then when things dont work out the bitterness sets in because you feel you have invested so much. How would you feel seeing him out on the town with his new boo in the suit you bought him or driving her around in the whip you cosigned for. Im all for investing in a man - YOUR HUSBAND!

eez true. For a lot of people, there's not that much new to look forward to in a marriage that ain't already been done. That's why I ain't cohabitating before I get married. Give us something new to try out.

On Shacking up:

In my Family Behavior class we had an extremely long conversation about living with partners before marriage. The basic break down was that if you shack up before marrying you are less likely to get married. Not because you all decide that you aren't a good couple, because you figure what's the point of getting married if you already live together, share bills, and possibly have children. There is also a gap in how men generally think about the move in and how women think about cohabitation. The studies showed that men were more likely to see it as just living together and women were likely to see it as the step before the ring.
If people do decide to live together, just like anything else in their relationship, they should be clear on each others expectations.

Interesting... to an extent we all agree with the marital acts part. what about the sex part? ie, having sex with a man who is not your husband?

yay or nay?

oh... and i don't get the distinction of being over 25 and being REALLY single. what's the difference? either you are married or you are not at 25, 21, 61, 65.

My husband (then boyfriend) got mad at me once when we were dating because I described myself as single. We were in a committed relationship, were serious but were not engaged at the time and I told him, "when you fill out a form and they ask you if you're single, married or divorced you check single because there isn't a box that says I'm dating someone I hope to marry one day." People don't get that. I moved in with my husband only after we made a commitment and got engaged, he knew I wouldn't move in with him unless I knew we were getting married. I don't take promises or a whim. I think if more folks started thinking about themselves as single there would be a lot less folks having babies with their boyfriends or getting matching tattoos (doesn't that just automatically mean you're breaking up within 30 days when you do that?). I'm not saying I wasn't sleeping with my husband prior to us getting married, I'm just saying he didn't get all of me 24/7 until he put a ring on it. I valued myself, my time and my worth too much to just give it all up to any guy I ever dated.

SBW has a site of her own? What is it? I want to check it out

I agree with this guy for the most part; however, like someone else mentioned I dont mind the cooking thing. I cooked for my husband prior to our marriage, and afterwards we cuddled. As far as putting itmes in each other's name- No Mam. Many people on NB site stated marriage was just a piece of paper so it doesn't matter. Y do we as black people hate marriage so much?

For the most part (99%), I agree completely with this concept. I was on Twitter last night talking to some ladies about how some men seem to want husband treatment when they are still in the boyfriend stage. NO DICE. I did one or two things on that list in a prior relationship; NEVER AGAIN unless there's a marriage certificate. I learned my lesson.

The only thing I have a slight disagreement with is if there is an understanding/agreement between the two people in the relationship and then someone acts up talking about "Well I'm not married so I'm single". Your word should be bond. If you tell me X, I should be able to hold you to that and vice versa. I can't stand when people say things they don't mean.

It's great that everyone is agreeing with what Louis said but how many women are actually adhereing to these guidelines? How many people are practicing abstinence in their "committed" relationship?

Ha!

Call me Miss Doubtful but I think there is a whole lot of "uh huh yeah girl" goin on when in reality many of us are doing the most. I know wayy too many sisters who would blow this list out the water because they are doing so much.

I can't wait to hear from someone who says " you know what.. this list is a wake up call for me and I'm going to stop doing these things."

In the words of Katt Williamas "I'll Wait."'

"How many people are practicing abstinence in their "committed" relationship?

Ha!"

this was my question in the comments. no answer for me. maybe for you. good luck.

edit: the one thing i didn't like about the sex comment is that it implies that women are giving sex but not getting anything in return, ie, you're screwing yourself over. it overlooks the idea that women get something out of sex.

i do wonder how many PEOPLE would stay committed in a sexless relationship.

I co-sign EQ's post. I read Necole's post when she put it up and I agree with this guy, and expected to read a whole lot of comments from people saying "dude is trippin, blah blah blah." I'm VERY surprised to see so much co-signage, but I'm Doubtful Debbie over here.

If everyone agreed with what he said, I think we'd have a lot less people complaining that their man won't commit to a ring.

As for the sexless part... my last serious relationship (5 years) was sexless for a long time, off and on (in other words, we'd have periods of time where we weren't having sex, on purpose, and periods of time where we were having sex). Either because I felt that wasn't appropriate, or he did. There was nothing easy about that and my friends told me I had lost my mind and would soon lose him if I didn't cut it out. I feel like sex is expected in relationships these days... how many times have we heard "if you won't do it, he'll find someone who will..."?

I feel like we know what's "right" but we don't always put that into practice, we just act like we do because, like I said, we know what's right.

As a note -- I don't actually think sex lines up, in our society, well with all the other things he was saying and his overarching point.

A few friends of mine posted the "If You're Not Married, You're Single" video on Facebook a couple of months ago and there were a lot of comments of agreement and co-signing....but from other women. I'm hard pressed to know how men feel about this issue. I have no problems calling someone my boyfriend, if in fact, we are in an exclusive monogamous relationship and we have agreed to that. My ex, who is Asian (I'm black), and I met his father at his workplace before going to lunch and his father introduced me to his co-workers as his son's "friend." At first I was offended and thought it was a cultural thing, but now, I see his father was absolutely right to introduce me that way. I was not his son's fiancee, not his wife and what does "girlfirend" mean?...eh, not much. I get it. I always joke with my girlfriends that women look at dating as being on line or pledging. We do "the most" and hope that we will be chosen because we've shown him that we 1) won't get upset if he goes out with his boys and doesn't call 2) have no problem chefing it up in the kitchen or bedroom and 3) are RODCs. I will not cohabitate, do not like term "wifey" (we can talk about that another time) and have committed myself to celibacy until I get married. Having those personal convictions makes dating a lot easier for me.

you know what.. this list is a wake up call for me and I'm going to stop doing these things.

lol @ stella. I too first saw the vid a couple months ago. I agreed with the premise and some of his points. My boyfriend actually was the one that showed it to me-so he's one man that agreed with it. it was circulating on twitter during that time to and I remember a few other guys saying that they agreed with it. In my own relationship, we entertained the no sex thing--it didn't last, but we tried. lol. I agree with Belle to the point that the vid author implies that we (women) arent' getting something out of having sex in our relationships, when we are. its not forced, its consentual. I cook for my man because I gotta eat too, but I do try not to play the role of "wife". As far as cohabitation and co-signing stuff--no nos for me. I agree totally that if you aren't married, you are single. Sure we are tied (in a relationship) to an extent, but its not one of the ties that bind, IMO.

"I met his father at his workplace before going to lunch and his father introduced me to his co-workers as his son's "friend." At first I was offended and thought it was a cultural thing, but now, I see his father was absolutely right to introduce me that way. I was not his son's fiancee, not his wife and what does "girlfirend" mean?"

my mother does that. drives me up a wall. but she doesn't acknowledge anybody more than "[belle's] friend" (although when BF was with me at home she told my Aunt, "the kids are here." Not sure what that meant.

I think to our peers-- BF/GF has meaning. it says, "I'm not just kicking it." Our parents generation, not so much. I gotta get permission to tell an anecdote about why BF/GF titles don't matter.

oh... and re: what men think: my boy just hit me to say he's not putting a real title on any woman he hasn't had sex with.

I quote, "U should have a healthy sex life. Some things just have to be experienced before I can make a commitment to spend the rest of my life with you. I wouldn't but a car without test driving it." — DC resident, early 30s, six-figures.

God, I hate when they compare us to cars.

I just turned 25 two days ago... and oh boy am I single !! (well as described in one of the previous comments)
Let me just say, these are great guidelines, not to be followed religiously but to keep in mind. Really so I should not have sex until I'm married ?!?!?!!! Come on ! No wonder we'll fail to follow "Louis rules"

I want to comment on EQ and Belle's msg and say now a days we all want a piece of the cake before marriage.And yeah most of us have sex before marriage and YES US WOMEN EXPECT SOMETHING IN RETURN !! Men want the good time we want the security the stability or whatever it is we secretly want but won't say out loud by fear it's to much to ask and just "KNOW" it'll come with time.

As said in a previous msg it's like making an investment on men. Sex before marriage can be seen as an investment , like co signing or all the wify stuff single ladies do. It's like saying since he's going to get it anyway down the road why not just give in now and that'll maybe incourage him to make that step into "I DO". We see ourselves on step closer, just like moving in can be interpreted by women as being one step closer to marriage.

I am against having some type of behavior before marriage that will drastically change after wedding day. "WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET" is fine by me. I will keep in mind that I should watch out on the investment and the " wify syndrome" and keep in mind that my value might diminish in his eyes by giving it all but I won't go extreme and give nothing lol. He won't know what he's missing out on if he doesn't get a preview !!

just like you watch a teaser before you go see a movie , you might want to let your man know you're a freak in the bed before the I do's so that there's no surprise afterwards. SO no sex before marriage is NOT FOR ME !! All the others I agree with.

Does the wifey thing, include sexual stuff. Not just having sex, but types of sex. A friend of mine laughs after me when I tell him that during oral, which i dont dish out freely, i only gave to someone who i was engaged to, or married to

I've been saying this for years... Guys are analytical, why would we make an investment in something we already had. For those of us who've been educated, would you go to class if you've already got the degree. If you don't leave something to the imagination. then there's no motivation to move forward, and thats how couples get caught going in circles.

I'm old school and do feel that sex should be reserved for marriage, do I practice it not always. The same way people don't practice good eating habits, its just not comfortable, or even practical at some points. I do try to reserve sex for someone I truly care about, but even in stretches when I don't have a sig. other, I will take the occasional 1 night stand, I'm a man, and I'm just being honest. I think I had some negative experiences when trying to hold out, several females wanted to question my manhood because I tried to wait, so I got in the habit of dispelling myths before they happened, not a good excuse, just again being honest. The next one, I'm going to try it again the right way.

I do appreciate Belle's point about women getting something out of sex too, a lot of times the media makes the men out to be the only ones getting enjoyment/fulfillment and I know just as many female nympho's as I do males, and most of the females I've been with have sex drives that rival most truckers. Females actually enjoy sex more my doctor said because they have more nerve ending in the receptive areas.

I think overall, being realistic in your expectations and giving only what you feel you can live without is the only way to go. Communicating with your partner on wants, needs and long term desires is essential to any longterm relationship ever having a chance of working.

Great post and convo

Belle, when i got your email on this, i just KNEW it was the sentiments of a sister. whoooa... this is a brother's sentiments??? wow. i respect his ideals, but with the exception of shacking up (i learned the hard way it doesn't always work for everyone) and splitting bills, i disagree with them quite a bit. i see nothing wrong with a couple cooking for each other, laying under each other on cold winter days, or having pet titles. i mean, c'mon, will this general approach to love and relationships make our already troubled unions easier, or harder?