You need to print this on billboards all over the country. So many women have opted out of dating and they don't even know they are doing it.

Many women don't know the definition of "Dating." They think if you go out on a couple of dates with him and ya'll speak regularly on the phone that means you're exclusively dating HIM. FAIL. As I continue to say, until that conversation has been had and the out come has been agreed upon by both people, you better assume he's dating other people and maybe you should consider doing the same. Or maybe you don't have to but don't expect him to be doing the same.

Now, many women think they are ready to settle down so whenever they meet a guy their profession or some type of oddity might have them being thrown into the "no thank you" box. Is that right? Maybe not but it doesn't make them wrong. I know women who are dating "just for the hell of it" and would not DARE go out on a date with a cop. Why? Because they have a rep of being crazy and they don't even want to encounter a glimpse of it out on a first date. LOL!

I think that if women were a little more honest about what being single and dating really means, it could go a lot more smoothly. Good post, Belle.

BTW, I absolutely HATED that "Dating like a White Girl" essay. By the time I was done, I was rolling my eyes as I flipped the page. I get that she noted she was stereotyping White women but if she knew some of the White women I knew, she might would re-think that entire stance. Add to that I wasn't raised being told to "hold on to him" or worry about finding and keeping him just to say I have one so the whole piece was just "whatever" for me.

The last time I suggested it, a woman yelled from the audience, “but Black men don’t like that?”

Oh Belle. How I wish you could have just heard my stomach churn.

Was this lady SERIOUS? I'm so annoyed. On what planet do we need a man's -- any man's -- permission to date as we see fit? She's limiting her own life by following some imagined set of rules by some Imaginary Black Man Council... i canNOT. (Sometimes, I really think black women have forfeited the ability to think independently. I really do.)

As for going out with any and every man... I agree, but in theory, and with a giggle. And that's only because I've gone out with guys "just to go out"... and usually find myself annoyed, put-off or just completely bored within the first half-hour. (Meaning the poor guy doesn't even make it through appetizers.) Which is why, now, if I'm not somewhat intrigued by the initial conversation, I won't have any inclination to spend any more time with a dude. It's not, "I can't see myself in a relationship with this guy." It's actually, "I can't see myself wasting two hours with this dude."

*sigh*

Is that bad?

I agree. Although, I will admit sometimes I won't go out with someone like "the janitor" or whatever simply because I know we won't have much to talk about. Not to say all janitors are dumb, because that isn't true. But sometimes I decide not to go on a date because I know I won't have a good time - even if it would have been a free meal/drinks.

On another note, I would like to add that women are afraid of being labeled as a hoe. Let me explain. Only recently have women began to move away from the city or town that they grew up in. Before this mobility about the country, dating multiple men meant gaining a reputation of being a hoe by dating every man in town (even if there was no sex involved). So I think some women feel like they can't date as many men as they want without getting that label stamped on their foreheads. But times have changed, I suppose we should change too.

Well... I'm torn. Going on a date with a guy you know stands no chance is like going on a job interview for a place you don't want to work. I don't think guys like to take women out when they aren't really interested, so if that's the deal, then the woman should be really up front about it.

>>Whenever I’m on a panel and suggest that a woman meet a man, like a man, and still continue to go out with several different men until the one she likes most puts a title of some sort on it<<

That's because black culture doesn't support dating without sex... at least not to the extent that other cultures do. It's almost like all we know is being BF/GF or not. We don't understand "let's both see other people until we want to settle down." It's like three dates and we're settled.

I've seen some insane stuff, across age categories, that made me wonder "wait a minute... did he ever SAY he was committed and monogamous with you or did you just ASSUME so because y'all had been going out for a while?"

But anyhoo, to answer the question. I think a date is the vetting process for a relationship-- for those who want that.

>>Why can’t it just be a good time, a free meal or drinks and some nice conversation?<<
It's cool as long as the guy knows that's what it is and agrees to it. They don't want to be strung along any more than we do.

>>Is the potential for "just" a good time really a waste of your time?<<

Well... I think the fear for women is what will happen after a string of disappointments or poor chemistry "dates." I understand (totally understand) the thinking of keeping your stats (and confidence) up.

>>Is the point of a date to have a nice time to get to know someone?<<

Well... I think "hanging out" is nice time getting to know someone. I think a date is for people who are either looking for romance, sex or both. A date (to me) is I'm polishing it up, he's polishing it up, we're going out somewhere nice/new/exciting, he's picking me up, he pays (yeah, I said it). If I just want to get to know someone, yeah we can meet at Starbucks, that's not a date to me. I think a date comes with connotations... which is why women get upset when guys go on dates only to find out they are already in relationships.

Omg, this post is like, MY life, lol! I feel a little bad for saying this, but I have always been the girl that HATED to date. I may have even loathed it at some point, but I have definitely hated it for a very long time (most of my early to mid-20s, lol). Call me crazy, but I'm a relationship person. I like having a relationship and being able to focus on one person. This is not to say that I feel I have to actually BE in a relationship all the time. If that were the case, I wouldn't have been boyfriend-less for five years! But I digrees :) For me, I'm what they'd call a 'serial monogamist'. I'd just rather be with one person than date several people. Now, I have definitely had some moments in the past where I thought, ok, I'm going to just go out on dates and see what happens! If anything, at least I'd meet a new friend, right? So, I did what any single girl would do to find a date: I signed up on dating sites, told friends to hook me up and flirted with any cutie that came my way. I tried this method for short periods at a time until I realized something I didn't like about dating: these guys were out there dating too! Duh! Of course people date other people, Tray. Ok, let me explain.

So at first I thought, am I just jealous? No, I wasn't jealous because I would go out with these guys only a few times. I quickly figured out that since I liked being with just one person, I expected the guy to want the same. Well, in college, that DEFINITELY was not happening, lol! But I also realized that while I knew what was happening on our dates, I didn't know what the guy was doing on dates with other women. For all I know, he was banging chicks left and right! I'm sure that didn't always happen, of course, but that idea turned me off from dating from time to time (along with other things I hate about dating). For a long time though, I just couldn't get past the fact that any guy I dated would most likely be dating someone else...doing God knows what! Of course, it didn't mean I had to do God knows what w/ the guy, but the idea of it all just made me feel some kind of way. But those were mainly in my college days where in the grand scheme of it, I had plenty of schoolwork, friends, organizations,etc to keep me occupied. So dating, or shall I say, "kicking it" with someone didn't matter too much to me back then. It wasn't until after college that I realized dating REALLY sucked, lol! As I got older and moved into dating men in my age range (and older), it seemed like dudes just had so much baggage that I didn't want to deal with. I *did* give a few guys a chance that I otherwise would not have (i.e. a guy 11 yrs older than me who was divorced with three kids. Ugh. That was a hot, hot mess). Geez, when I HAVE decided to date, it has been very interesting, lemme tell ya! :P

As I look back though, I realize that dating is a very good thing, as it helped me solidify what I wanted in a future spouse. I'm currently in a relationship and we've been together for a little over a year. I know that if I hadn't decided to date more, I wouldn't have known exactly what I was looking for in a relationship and/or potential life partner. Even though I have dealt with some crazy dudes, it was all worth it in the end since I have found the man that I hope to marry some day! :)

we need to reclaim the dating-without-sex thing. black culture can be so open when it comes to certain aspects related to sex and yet so dysfunctional when it comes to dating. i've always been something of a free spirit when it comes to dating which is why i've dated men from all over the globe (i'm partial to caribbean and latin men). looking back on my dating experiences the primary reason i've had so many wonderful experiences is because i allowed myself to "date like a man" for a lack of a better phrase. no, that doesn't mean i had sex with all the men i dated but one of the men i dated (no sex) introduced me to the man who would become my husband.

This is a timely post. I have planned, with several single-and-ready girlfriends"Yes November". During that month we will dress and behave like singles ready to have fun with a few good men. We will be responsible for getting the others out to at least two non-work events, go to a bar alone during happy hour, and say yes to offers for all dates or plans (unless safety is a real concern). We will strike up conversations with men and smile when we catch a man looking.
Belle is right on. Dating can be fun and needn't be an interview for the potential hubby. We don't need to take ourselves so seriously when it comes to "typing" men. Turns out I had great times and a few relationships with men who had never dated my "type" before; so yeah, casting a wide net is brilliant. Sure, you will likely throw some undesirables back to sea but at least for November it'll be like Fulton Street fish market-choices for days!

In sum:

Stop dating for your friends and date for yourself. If we weren't so worried about having to explain where we met him and what he does, I think a lot of us would be far more open to all types of men.

Whenever I’m on a panel and suggest that a woman meet a man, like a man, and still continue to go out with several different men until the one she likes most puts a title of some sort on it (the Steve Harvey idea of “professing”), they look at me like I’ve just called them out their name.

Spot on! Let the best man win. Why would you want to date one man at a time an why would you want a man to date one woman at a time. I'd rather have a man date several women and then come to his own conclusion that I might be the one for him and vice versa.

I think when you start fallin for someone you naturally want to spend more and more time with them anyway to the point where you guys are mostly spending time together. That's when the talk comes and you discuss if you want to go exclusive.

Also from a more economical point of view...isnt it hella inefficient to just date one man at a time. Lets say on average you date someone for 3 months before taking it to the next level or realising that although he's cute it doesnt seem to have any potential long-term. This would mean you could only date 4 men a year!

If unlucky you could be dating for a loooooong time, consequently settling sub par, just because you feel there is not much time left.

date and let date :)

Good post. I agree with this sentiment. I'm a single woman, but I'm dating. And every time I mention going out on a date with a guy, my friends and family members(dang mama...) always assume I am in a relationship, or that I am looking for a relationship instead of a free meal, drinks, and stimulating conversation. To them, a date equates to a relationship. Nope, I'm just dating. And I think more women should get on the bandwagon.

After a really bad relationship and LONG hiatus from men, I recently jumped back in the saddle and am entering the dating scene. The only difference between my dating habits then and now, is that I am more experienced and aware of what I am looking for in a man.

As for your submission, I completely agree with your comments about dating and not acting like the GF, but this is something I will always continue to struggle with. Thanks to my family (especially my grandmother), I have it embedded in my head that dating several men makes one look a little trashy and feel cheap.
Like majority in the dating scene, we have our wish list of what we are looking for in a man and will not settle for anything less. Based off of that list, I would tend to drastically reduce my dating options. I realized that I have been limiting myself and am missing out on a whole world of opportunities. I've decided to approach dating being more open-minded and have vowed to do the following:

1. Try and not think or act like a GF with a man that I am very interested in
2. At least go on one date and not reject offers right away
3. If the opportunity presents itself, try and date a couple of people at the same time
4. While exploring this process, not lose my core values and forget who I am

So far, I've been on two dates. One where it was alright and there will be a follow-up (hopefully). The other where he suggested we become friends with benefits....NOPE.

>>>"Well... I'm torn. Going on a date with a guy you know stands no chance is like going on a job interview for a place you don't want to work.<<<

i'm actually an advocate of this. polish up your interview skills in a real world environment, know what questions to prep, what impresses, etc. and options take the pressure off. you can get your dream job, not like it, (or the money ain't right) and you have something else that can pay the bills to fall back on. i think knowing there are men who are interested, even if they may not be your "type" is great for a woman's outlook, especially for women who believe there are "no good, single men left."

my dad is a huge fan of saying, "you don't turn down a job until it's offered." i feel the same way about dating.

if every time a woman goes out, she doesn't have fun, that's on her, not the men she dates.

>>>It's not, "I can't see myself in a relationship with this guy." It's actually, "I can't see myself wasting two hours with this dude."<<<

for clarity, i don't advocate going out with any and every man. like if you have a conversation and there's absolutely no chemistry or interest, don't sign up for a night up torture, but to want to date and not for whatever reason, then turning down a recommended guy you've never met based on his job? that doesn't make a lot of sense, cop stereotype, or no. it's dinner. not a lifetime commitment. if he's cute and funny/witty/ or just sexy, just go and make the best of it.

I wrote several posts about this awhile back.

One along the lines of stacking your dates and the the other on saying yes and dating men who may not seem like they fit your type.

Before I moved back home I was a dating master. And the reactions of women to my dating multiple men was always one of shock. Something I could never understand.

I regularly would have more than one date on a Saturday night: 7pm for 1st dates, 9pm for 2nd or 3rd dates, 11pm for 3rd+ dates.

Sure there may be a main dude I was dating, but until we had some sort of convo about being exclusive I was free and behaved as such.

Dating is a numbers game. If you're only going out 2 or 3 times a yea how do you ever expect to meet anyone? And who gives a damn about what men think or want?

If a man wants a say in who you're seeing you tell him he better put a title or ring on it, otherwise it's none of his damn business.

lol

I had this conversation with one of my coworkers on Friday, lol. I told her, a lot of black women assume that the guy they meet may be "the one" if there is great chemistry and get all wrapped up in the guy before they've even had a real conversation about being exclusive. This is the very reason that we end up getting hurt and/or are dumb founded if we find out the guy is dating other people as well. I learned through experience that unless we have that conversation, I am still a single woman and should behave as such! Like many have said, doesn't mean that I should sleep with every man I like, but just like men do, I'll be keeping my options open until we BOTH see fit!

Two comments/questions:
You write - Whenever I’m on a panel and suggest that a woman meet a man, like a man, and still continue to go out with several different men until the one she likes most puts a title of some sort on it (the Steve Harvey idea of “professing”), they look at me like I’ve just called them out their name.
The last time I suggested it, a woman yelled from the audience, “but Black men don’t like that!”
Um… who cares? And who’s telling you to tell them? Do they tell you when you’re an option?
---So in this example the woman is to wait until the man feels like putting a ring, oops I mean Title, on it? Or are you saying that the woman should be telling the man he's an option? I guess I don't really understand why the woman said "but Black men don't like that!" ... they don't like what?

Also, you write--Is the potential for "just" a good time really a waste of your time?
Well, when you've had more wastes of times than good times you will just favor not dating like a white girl. I have no issue dating multiple people...if I could find multiple people. Sure I could date the valet, the guy in my work building, the guy I met in the mall... but I'm not attracted to him. He's not cute. And I know it's on the inside that counts and all that, and they may be great, sweet people...but the fact is that on the date he's going to be smiling all up in my face and I'm just going to have that sinking feeling that I should have never given him my number, I'm not having fun and I am definitely not attracted to him, and now I will either have to ignore the 2+ calls he makes in the future or buck up and tell him I'm not interested.
These guys aren't asking you out for a good time. They see the potential as well, for the relationship or for the booty, whatever it is they care about....

Great post!

Back in the day, whenever I didn't have a boyfriend, I pretty much always dated multiple guys simultaneously. (In fact, I just mentioned that fact on my blog.) My friends dubbed me a "player," but I wasn't trying to play games. I was just trying to have fun and meet people and figure out what/who I really liked. I think it makes a lot of sense to date that way. It takes the pressure off of everyone. Every guy does not have to be "the one," so there's no need be on your first date wondering if your future children will inherit his hairy arms or if his last name doesn't sound quite right with your first name. You can just kick back and enjoy that person, enjoy that moment. Whatever ends up happening, you've experienced something and you've learned something about yourself, the other person or both, so there's no such thing as a waste of time.

I don't think anyone would advocate dating any ol' man off the street, you have to use common sense of course. But if you don't date guys from certain frats or if you don't date guys who have traveled less than you or whatever requirements you have that don't really have much to do with being a good person, it might be time to re-evaluate those dating rules.

The premise of dating dudes that don't naturally suit your ideal sounds like a straight forward and logical way of managing your social/dating life. But not all of us want a free meal or want to waste hours with someone we already know we are not attracted just for the sake of playing the numbers game. I have dated guys that I wouldn't usually consider and after just 1 date they were blowing up my phone harassed or whenever I saw them in public. So forgive me for my cautious approach.

The only downside (and this goes for men too) is that too much clutter can distract you and you COULD very well miss the one who your meant to be with...

Also lets not be unrealistic... Women like to have sex too.. So what happens on date 3-7 when sex feels right, but your involved sexually with someone else.. Do you let your emotions take over and go for it, so now your sexin' two (or more dudes) or do you tell the guy that your sexually involved with someone else and you don't think its safe/cool to have multiple partners (this will inevitably lead to the end of said date/future dates)... I have this issue as a man, and since women get hit up for sex more, I'd venture to say the issue is compounded for them.

So to me, its all about your goals and objectives. I'm at the point where settling down is my focus, so I''m not going to date multiple people, because when I do find her, I won't be putting her on hold because I have dates scheduled with other people. When I was surveying the field, I was open about that and where I thought it would lead, because no one deserves to be lied to.

Be safe. Be Honest. Be Focused on what you want/need (not friends, family, associates think)

>>i'm actually an advocate of this. polish up your interview skills in a real world environment...<<

I get that, but you just can't fault women who get tired of it. For some women, it just wears on them. Maybe it shouldn't, but it does, and they just don't like doing it.

>>Before I moved back home I was a dating master. And the reactions of women to my dating multiple men was always one of shock. Something I could never understand.<<

Because to most people, dating carries a connotation of romance and/or sex. Whether it should or not. Most women I know who were not having sex, but went out a lot, usually said they had a lot of guy friends, but would not have considered themselves "dating" them.

I think some clarity is in order, because when people say "date like a man", that usually means multiple sexual partners (because that's the common complaint about men). So when it's being advocated, it should be clear what's being advocated and then people would understand some women's objections (or shock).

>>>So in this example the woman is to wait until the man feels like putting a ring, oops I mean Title, on it? Or are you saying that the woman should be telling the man he's an option? I guess I don't really understand why the woman said "but Black men don't like that!" ... they don't like what?<<<

*she was saying that Black men don't like women to date more than one man.

*you're not sitting around "waiting" if you're having a good time elsewhere. you can certainly tell a man, "i would like to be exclusive" you can't do anything but wait or move on if he doesn't want the same on your time table.

i* don't advocate telling men, "hey, you're one of many." but if he asks if you're seeing anyone, don't lie. say, "yeah. i'm dating."

>>but I'm not attracted to him. He's not cute. And I know it's on the inside that counts and all that, and they may be great, sweet people...but the fact is that on the date he's going to be smiling all up in my face and I'm just going to have that sinking feeling that I should have never given him my number, I'm not having fun and I am definitely not attracted to him,<<<

that's not the example i gave. i suggest going out with "whomever is cute with cut arms that are the size of her thigh." or whatever else you find attractive. i think attraction of some sort-- physical or otherwise, is a huge component.

>>>"These guys aren't asking you out for a good time. They see the potential as well, for the relationship or for the booty, whatever it is they care about."<<<

who really cares why they ask? go and see what YOU want out of the deal. You don't owe a man anything for going out to dinner with him and enjoying yourself.

Sorry I shOuld say harrassing me when I saw them in public

I think I am going to print today's blog, laminate it's ass or or put it in some kind of frame, and put it up with family pictures in my daughters' room. Ye sthey are a bit young ( 5 and 2) but I want certain things drummed in their head early up,

Thanks for the blog

Damn wish someone had told me this, years ago

I totally agree with the post. I think we as African American women are so seduced by the idea of a long-term relationship and marriage, we immediately envision the guy we are to date as a boyfriend or husband before the initial phone call. I can admit that I do it all of the time and where has it gotten me? No-damn-where!

I'm trying to "broaden my horizons" and date men of all kinds. I've dated a truck driver and cab driver, but their professions had nothing to do with why they didn't work out. My issue, now that I've decided to "date like a white girl" is this: I don't think men know how to date either! I don't mean the types of women they'll date because we know women can be of any profession, race, etc. (Discussing that is like beating a dead horse, as my mama would say). The men I come in contact with don't know how to court, but I guess that's another issue in itself.

"So what happens on date 3-7 when sex feels right, but your involved sexually with someone else.. Do you let your emotions take over and go for it, so now your sexin' two (or more dudes) or do you tell the guy that your sexually involved with someone else and you don't think its safe/cool to have multiple partners (this will inevitably lead to the end of said date/future dates)... I have this issue as a man, and since women get hit up for sex more, I'd venture to say the issue is compounded for them."

not at any point do i advocate women EVER having sex with more than one man at a time. for health reason, for pregnancy reasons (condoms break, and do you ever want to worry who the father of your kid is?) i also don't advocate having sex with anyone who you have not gone to get tested with.

i don't believe there is anything to the idea of "casual sex" no sex is casual and every time you do it you are putting yourself at risk for HIV, STD, or pregnancy.

this has been your Belle PSA.

>>I won't be putting her on hold because I have dates scheduled with other people.<<

i think when you find someone you really like, you naturally start to let others fall by the wayside and gravitate to the one you're interested in.

>>to waste hours with someone we already know we are not attracted just for the sake of playing the numbers game.<< re-read. i think there should be an attraction and you should not just write off someone you could have fun with because of their occupation or other silly matters (there was a qte on the root about a woman who wouldn't go on a date with an attractive man because she didn't like his coat or he was always cold. that's stupid.)

is the CHANCE/OPPORTUNITY to meet someone new really a "waste?" why?

politely tell them you weren't interested so they don't blow up your phone (and that's a small inconvenience, no?) or worse, harass you in public. contrary to belief, the need for closure is a human trait, not just a woman's one.