Things I Think About on Rainy Thursday Mornings in NYC
Thursday, November 12, 2009 at 11:37AM I’m rambling. But there’s a point. Actually it’s two posts in one. Stay with me.
If you follow me on Twitter, you know I attended the 20th Pastoral Anniversary honoring Rev. Calvin Butts III at the Sheraton over the weekend (Great guy. Amusing backstory.) It was good times… and an Alvin Ailey performance. (Random, but amazing. They performed “Revelations” what else? I’ve seen it a million times. Never gets old.) Not that I don’t generally walk around feeling all proud to be Black, but I was like super proud, like beat my chest, sing the Black National Anthem at the top of my lungs on a street corner proud. (Um… do non-Black people know there’s a Black national anthem? Do they know we sing that bourge events rather than the national anthem? Anyway…)
So there’s this minister— can’t remember his name for the life of me, but he flew in, has college-aged twin boys named Malcolm and Martin (!) and I’m convinced if he hadn’t been called to The Cloth, he would have been a stand up comic. So he spoke (or did he preach? It’s hard for me to know the difference. I studied rhetoric in college and I sit through speeches/sermons listing in my head which “argument” folks use to sway the crowd and in which order.)
During his speech/sermon he talks about how some folks are never happy, they will find a way to complain. He was talking about ministers, and he gave the example, “you buy a Cadillac, they say you’re too flashy. You buy a bucket, they say that’s a shame.” He told this other anecdote about a church breakfast where a woman came up to the kitchen counter and ordered eggs. She asked for one scrambled, one fried. So the cook, well, cooked it up just like the woman requested and Handed it over. The woman takes the plate, slams it down in frustration. Someone asks, “Sister, what’s wrong?”
Sister: They fried the wrong egg.
Ba-dum-ding!
So I’m over on YBF.com this morning (as I am every morning) and I’m reading a story about Beyonce. She taped this 4-day concert at the Wynn over the summer, which will air at a Thanksgiving special on ABC (?). She’s also releasing a live album, and shooting a Dereon ad somewhere in Greece.
I read this update; I think about what I could do if I had this woman’s stamina. I mean, I work-work, grind-out and all that (big, big projects coming up. I swear I'm gonna get an ulcer from worry.) But I’m also good for taking an entire weekend off where I do nothing but lay on the sofa and watch SATC and/or Oprah’s 20th Anniversary DVDs on repeat. Then I run on fumes the rest of the week as I try to play catch-up to do everything that needs doing. Or is at least is expected of me. This woman doesn’t take a break, even after she’s put in her 10,000 hours and then some.
So I read through the comments about this Bey post because as anyone knows, that’s the best part of any blog.
But geez louise, when is this girl gonna go sit sown somewhere and take a breath?
And then there was:
Beyonce, please after you done with touring and what not, please go away on vacation, get knocked up…
Really?
Can this really be described as anything but hate? ‘Cause I recall the exact opposite stance being taken about Rhi for the last year or so. It was all, ‘she’s in pics everywhere, but when is she gonna work?’
You can’t please all of the people any of the time. At best, some of the people, some of the time. So I guess you might as well please yourself.
A word about woman who work overtime:
Why don’t we (in the general sense) respect women who grind-out the way men do? Like Wayne and Tupac live/d in the studio and constantly release material and everyone respects their work ethic. Why do women like Oprah and Beyonce who work-work-work not get the same universal respect? Don't women have a right to have ambition and dream bigger, even if they've already accomplished a lot? Shouldn't we be afforded the right to put in our 10,000 hours too?
I work up this morning to a long email in my BelleBox from a Las Vegas man who was completely miffed with Soledad O’Brien over on CNN.
He wrote:
[O’Brien] is all about being #1, she wants the world to revolve around her. She comes first, before her family. She wants to be a celebrity figure and a star. In interviews she says she works 6 days a week, mostly out of town, and on some holidays. She goes to gala events, concerts, lots of entertainment events, as a single woman, leaving her husband and kids behind.
Is there anything wrong with a woman who wants to be “a celebrity figure and a star?” or for that matter, who works 6 days a week or goes to events without her family? Is it possible the fam doesn’t want to go, or has work and school the next day so they can’t? Is there anything wrong who with a married mom who goes to events alone?
And better, would we ever critique a man who did the same to bring home the bacon? Is motherhood or marriage supposed to end ambition?
Eh.
Discuss.
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Reader Comments (18)
Hi Belle
FYI The pastor's name is DeForest Soaries...wonderful man of God who spoke at my church here in MD a few Sundays ago
There's nothing wrong with a woman who aspires to be great. Same rules apply to men and women: if you've got a family, make sure you and your spouse have a plan in place that allows the family to be held together during those stretches when mom or dad is away. I'm not gonna hate on a woman that has that kind of drive. When us men do it, we're held up and exalted..I don't think it should be any different for a woman.
>>>"The pastor's name is DeForest Soaries...wonderful man of God who spoke at my church here in MD a few Sundays ago"<<<
WOW!
yes! yes! thank you. I couldn't remember his name for my life and I didn't have the program. I was hoping if I gave enough info (like the names of the kids) someone would get it.
I'm gonna try this again tomorrow with another pastor I want to track down. Thanks!
I have never heard of anyone suggesting that Oprah take a break. I think it is different with Beyonce because there are rumors about her being ruthless and not letting the other former group members of Destiny's child getting their own shine. I take issue with that. Nothing is wrong with being very ambitious.
>>I have never heard of anyone suggesting that Oprah take a break<<
more along the lines of get married, settle down, have children. 'she's dominated for almost 25 years, why not give someone else a shot?'
I would agree that most of the nonsense spewd toward Beyonce is "hateration."
Clearly she was born to do what does and none can take her place even if she did "sit" down.
Same with Oprah...thank God for both of those postive role models!!
I can't agree with the Soledad situation though...she has kids and a mother's role is so very important in a child's life. No amount of nannies or time with daddy can make up for a mother's absence. I know she is a Phenomenal Journalist and I love watching her as much as everyone else but....I do agree that she is doing too much.
Now what she does with her life will affect her and her family only....not mine. So there's no "hate" coming from my corner...just a difference in opinion regarding the priorites of a "mom" with young children.
Belle, I'm with you on the pleasing yourself part. But I think I could go on and on about Beyonce (who is nothing like Oprah to me) as an example. It's also about exposure vs. the quality of the product (clothing line anyone?). We all know she can sang, but does she need to do it at every event, release every song off the CD that sounds like the first three songs, go on tour for a year and a half, put out an album every 8 months, do the holiday specials, and sell the DVDs to all said performances??? I don't knock the hustle mentality, but let people miss you already. The nature of pop music/culture kind of works against that notion, but the greatest pop stars have been able to take breaks (voluntarily and involuntarily) and turn out something new when they return. At her level of fame and fortune I would think her hustle revolved around something more than just more exposure and more money for the heck of it. The Rih thing was the same, it seemed like exposure for exposure's sake. There was no music being released, no statements being made about anything, just being on the red carpet of every cereal box opening like a common D-lister. And I may be splitting hairs, but I think Wayne has lost all kinds of cred in terms of the music products he puts out now, so I wouldn't put him in the same sentence with Tupac.
As far as Soledad is concerned, I look at her situation the same as if she were a man. I expect men to be just as cognizant of his family's growth and welfare as women. Each parent doesn't have to be at every school play or tennis match, but the child should definitely have fond memories of each parent being an active part of his/her childhood, unless both parents decide and agree that the abenteeism in the short term is far more beneficial for the long-term.
I am guilty of wishing for Beyonce to sit down, but not because of her grind. Her grind is epic, but sometimes the results... notsomuch. I'd like her to take some time with her next musical project and maybe grow as a woman so she doesn't have to hide behind an alter ego to be all the fierce, determined, sexual woman that she is.
As far as Soledad, she gets hated on for everything. Personally, I love her. If a man was in her shoes breaking down the barriers she does, he would be applauded. But because her she isn't at home barefoot and pregnant and baking cookies for after the kids' soccer practice she MUST be a neglectful parent. Wtf? I was reading a blog post the other day that had a quote from James Cameron (director of Titanic and Avatar). If I can find it I will link the posting but he said, "Anybody can be a father or a husband. There are only five people in the world who can do what I do, and I’m going for that.”
Some people took umbrage with his comment, but mostly it was received with a collective shrug. I wonder then, if a woman had said it, if there wouldn't be some kinda outrage.
Also, Soledad has been married for 14 years. I think if ther hubby had a problem with her ambition, they wouldn't be 4 kids in to an almost 2 decade marriage.
Sorry for blogging in your comments, lol :)
"more along the lines of get married, settle down, have children. 'she's dominated for almost 25 years, why not give someone else a shot?"
Belle,
Oprah has given lots of people shots. She helped Gayle with her show, got Dr. Phil his show, now Dr. Oz and is the backer of Rachel Ray's show, and she has the cable show Oprah and friends. She has MAD branches (again very unlike Beyonce). And she's no longer the queen of daytime. Ellen has been winning those categories lately. She once said she will continue as long as she has work to do. In terms of product, Oprah has one (some) of the best in the business IMO. We all know marriage and children ain't for everyone, as you've stated here before, so no need to delve into that one.
The interesting counterpart to this, if it doesn't derail the thread, is all the shit men go through when they take the Mr. Mom track. My cousin-in-law is doing this quite successfully in support of my Doctorate of Nursing cousin and their three children. I think he's great. Most people wonder what's wrong with him.
In both his case and the sheroes you point out, the discomfort derives from incomplete acceptance of the goals of feminism. People talk about equality, but they don't really mean it.
Wishing you all progress.
>>>"Anybody can be a father or a husband. There are only five people in the world who can do what I do, and I’m going for that.”<<<
i officially love james cameron for that.
@aya
just for clarity, i was citing the collective crticism of oprah that's been said and re-said. what i cited is NOT my outlook. my thoughts on Oprah are more along the lines of what you listed.
My bad Belle.
@ Aabaakawad, I dig the role reversal. Forget about other people questioining him, most men, by nature, wouldn't consider it. Even if it may make the most sense for the family in the long run. I applaud that cousin-in-law!
"I applaud that cousin-in-law!"
I do too.
My brother tried something similar, but not as drastic. He forwent college to work while his wife got a BS and Masters in Civil Engineering at UCLA. The deal was first her, then him. Then he went to USC for BS and Doctorate in Physical Therapy, his long-expressed goal, and she divorced him three years in (about halfway) because "he wasn't ambitious enough to pursue a high income career" to support them in the lifestyle she wanted. She then did a homewrecking and married another Civil Engineer. True enough, she has more earning potential than him, but he is doing fine and very well respected. Essentially, she was a feminist only so long as it worked in her favor. Gotta be sure everyone is playing by the same set of rules.
So he put his next wife through school too, and they are doing great.
Both marriages are interracial, WM/HW then WM/NW.
Oprah took herself out of the Daytime Emmy nominations. I mean she won them all for several years in a row; at some point it gets old. So whaddya know, there is ONE example of Oprah removing herself so that other people can have shine.
As for Beyonce, I love her as an entertainer, it's just that she is overexposed. But then again, I don't consider overexposure to be her fault. She's grinding and doing a million things at one time, but she is not Rupert Murdoch. She has no control over what bloggers and journalists choose to focus on.
I definitely respect her grind and her hustle and I think she should work as long as she is able to and wants to. She has stated on numerous occasions that she wants to be the first black woman to have an Oscar, a Tony and a Grammy and I have a strong feeling she will NOT fully retire until she achieves that.
And as an aside, I DESPISE the whole "Beyonce/Oprah/whoever should retire so that other people can have a shot" mindset. It REEKS of mediocrity and sour grapes. Beyonce has an ace in the hole named Mathew Knowles who sets his daughter up with amazing deals behind the scenes so that she is ALWAYS in a position of dominance. I suggest some of these whiners get with the program and find them a Mathew Knowles who will do the same for them.
>>>I DESPISE the whole "Beyonce/Oprah/whoever should retire so that other people can have a shot" mindset. It REEKS of mediocrity<<<
exactly.
I dont think it's a matter of letting other people have a shot BUT there is credible rumors that Mathew Knowles goes out his way to make sure other people fail - that's another animal entirely.
Very similar to what Sony dude was doing to Mariah Carey behind the scenes.
In pop land you can suffer form over exposure...you have to give people time to miss u...and to be honest the work Beyonce has been putting out lately isn't any good...it's the same song over and over again - what if she took time off and grew as an artist?
What if she took some time off, took some acting classes, learned how to emote and came back and wowed us in a new film - right now she doesn't have a chance in hell of winning an Oscar -- ntfor acting at least. Not going to happen.
Her product in general is just not up to snuff - a break could help her come back bigger badder and stronger.
Let people miss u.
As far as Soledad - she has 4 kids and a husband. Being away six nights a week isn't the business. If she wanted to be super woman she should have not had the kids and possibly the husband.
Contrary to popular belief you can't have it all at the same time. Women at least. Unless her husband is playing the role women typically play - and my guess is her children will grow up with mommy issues like many of the women I know whose father's were working 100 hour weeks have daddy issues.
Life is about choices and if you want a picturesque family then you will likely have to sacrifice the career - unless of course you have a husband willing to play the role of house husband. Men are only allowed to get away with it b/c many traditional male/female roles still exist and many people still default to them. But the family and kids suffer when they do it as well.
"She has stated on numerous occasions that she wants to be the first black woman to have an Oscar, a Tony and a Grammy and I have a strong feeling she will NOT fully retire until she achieves that"
I thought Whoopi was the first woman to do so? I think I have to research that some more.
But I think with Black women, the thought of them doing so much is a turn off for men AND women...and like other posters have said, if a man were doing what Oprah (Jay Leno is her equivalent), Beyonce (Lil Wayne), and Soledad (any male broadcaster in the history of broadcasting) we wouldn't be having this conversation or this problem.
And as far as Oprah and Beyonce sitting down and those who want them to sit down being described as mediocre, I think I can cosign that to a point. If you have the money, you have the power to eliminate the competition (the rumors circling Beyonces father Matthew paying off radio stations to not play competitors' music comes to mind) and it is hard for those who are hard workers that aren't getting the exposure, backing, or play as Beyonce (My cousin sings like Whitney, looks better than Beyonce and is still doing local shows. Not that she isn't working hard, she just can't get the breaks others have gotten). I do believe that they should sit down and let others miss them; oversaturation of the market (especially in this day where the concentration and focus of people is minimum) can make one burn out fast quick and in a hurry.
Belle, I love your blog...I've been reading it for the last two weeks (I HAD to start from the beginning before I could post) and finally able to comment. Love the blog...much continued success to you!
KMN
Well, I'm late, but can I also add that there are other artists that Matthew Knowles manages who don't get anywhere near the "Beyonce" treatment? Anyone know what happened to J. Holiday? So, saying get your own Matthew Knowles clearly isn't working.lol. I think Beyonce will be closer to getting an Oscar when she stops playing singers in "biopics." -A singer playing a singer? Yeah, the academy isn't going for that.- Other than that, I've never been a fan of hers because I always felt like she was over singing. Yes, there's something to be said for good ornamentation, but a 10 minute vocal riff? I'm good. So, when I say "Beyonce sit down" it's not so much because I don't like ambitious women, but because I feel like I'm being bombarded by her and I'm not even a fan. I have to stop watching tv, stop listening to the radio, and stay away from certain websites just to get away from her. That's too much, especially when it's the result of her father actively holding other people down (not simply boosting her up).