Rebuttal: Bitch is the New Black
Wednesday, December 16, 2009 at 12:25AM Since I have your rapt attention now. Pics from the A Belle in Brooklyn Holiday Soiree are in. CLICK HERE
You'd have to be living under a cyber-rock these days not to hear the buzz about the Washington Post article, "Successful, Black, and Lonely." I've avoided talking about it, (much to many folk's dismay) for various reasons— the main being as "Belle" it's hard for me to offer a constructive critique on someone who fashions themselves the same way I do, and not be called a "hater" for not agreeing (and for the record, I do not agree with Helena Andrew's take on dating in DC, so we're clear.**)
I still ain't addressing it, but the sentiment on Racialicious.com summed up my outlook pretty well.
Brandi, you remember her from "Why the Talented Tenth is Failing the Black Race", feels a way about "Belle" not entering the commentary on this subject. I encouraged her to write her own thoughts since she feels her own way.
Her thoughts are hers. They are not Belle endorsed. Though I do agree with the sentiment.
Brandi titled her essay, "In the Company of Misery."
I thought long and hard before writing this piece. After attending "Belle’s Holiday Cocktails" event on Monday night, surrounded by scores of talented, successful, and charming women gathered in the name of sisterhood, I am somewhat remiss to even broach today’s topic of conversation. It seems wrong to damper the after glow of such a positive evening by discussing the recent announcement of Ms. Helena Andrews’ upcoming book Bitch Is The New Black (Harper Collins.) The author, a regular contributor at The Root.com and self-described “mean girl,” has pitched and sold the rights to the currently unpublished BITNB to Miramax Films as the Black version of Sex and The City. I can see the movie byline now The Browner, Bitchier, more Bourges Bradshaw.
I suppose if the old adage “misery loves company” rings true, Andrews, Harper and Miramax will have a hit on their hands. The angst ridden Andrews seems a youthful miserable mess by all available accounts and it’s clear from the pre-promotion for her book that she is actively seeking your companionship. In the last two days several blogs have picked up the announcement of the book to movie deal, all of which are using the same Washington Post article as their information source. In that article, Andrews touts BITNB as “a satirical look at successful black young women living in Washington [D.C.].” She delves slightly deeper into the premise by offering this:
[The] book attempts to reveal what's behind the veneer. In a series of essays, Andrews documents the lives of so many young black women who appear to have everything: looks, charm, Ivy League degrees, great jobs. Closets packed full of fabulous clothes; fabulous condos in fabulous gentrified neighborhoods; fabulous vacations, fabulous friends. And yet they are lonely: Their lives are repetitive, desperate and empty. They are post-racial feminists who have come of age reaping the benefits of both the civil rights movement and the women's movement, then asking quietly: What next?
The rest of the article is somewhat convoluted, filled with contradiction after contradiction, summed up perfectly when Andrews states:
What I am trying to say about single black women in any urban environment is, you don't know them as well as you think you do. They may not know themselves as well as they think they do."
I’m hedging bets that Andrews herself falls into the latter category. From the article she seems totally oblivious to her own cluelessness, a fact that was not lost on Tambay of ShadowAndAct.com, who writes:
Reading the article about Andrews, as she makes her case on the difficulties she faces finding a suitable black man, she does herself no favors, as I see it.
As the title of her book suggests, she describes herself as “mean,” and she essentially looks down on the men she dates, even the “nice” ones. She’s certainly free to have her standards, but recognize that what you “put out” will be received accordingly, and she comes across as depressed, with all her self-loathing, which isn’t at all attractive.
Other than emphasizing her degree, her job, the closet full of clothes and shoes she has, and real estate, Andrews says nothing about what makes her a real catch; she really doesn’t demonstrate (or even bother to state) reasons why any man would want to be in a relationship with her! I wouldn’t want to be in relationship with her! My response to her would be, so what?
I can appreciate and understand some of the issues she brings up, but her approach is all wrong, and she’s painting herself into a corner that won’t bring her anything but the superficiality she puts out!
Andrews, for all her success, seems (unapologetically) self-indulgent on a grandiose scale. She clearly exists in that age where “logic” is born more out of a visceral egocentric thought process than anything based in reality. It’s an infantile age we all go through where women look outside themselves for answers to their problems, when they should start by looking within. It's an age where women are still worried about meeting some arbitrary and often unattainable standard instead of setting their own standards of happiness. It's an age where we view ourselves as better for our independence and unwillingness to settle, instead of admitting that we are at our best when we are part of something greater than ourselves. It's an age that, once we've matured, we happily leave behind, no longer waiting to exhale.
With little information available about the book, I can only hope that Andrews first literary offering ends with a self-actualizing epiphany, a moment of clarity that allows her the ability to recognize why her own behavior is the most likely cause of her single status. If not, I worry that her contribution to the universal understanding of Black women may erode recent public image gains we've made at the hands of Michelle Obama, Oprah Winfrey, and Gayle King— three women of varying high success levels who personify grace, style, and sisterhood and would never ingratiate the term Bitch, in public language or behavior. (For that matter, as a fan of the SATC brand, I question whether the fabulous fictional foursome would appreciate the comparison to BITNB. The SATC brand is at its core an ode to sisterhood, a remarkably convincing argument for valuing friendship.* Sadly, nothing that I've read thus far about BITNB seems to mirror that sentiment.)
I suppose a Black version of SATC could be an interesting pop culture product. If approached correctly it could be a significant look at the multidimensional psyche of the Black women and their relationships with Black men. A writer with the right intentions and proper backing could influence women to grow past immaturity, hate fueld by insecurity, and faux bitchiness. The movie, if approached with socially significant intention could encourage Black women to evolve into supportive friends of sisterhood, leaving the bitch behind in favor of becoming A Belle.
There isn't anything new about being a bitch. But being a Belle, well that is absolutely the new Black.
Discuss.
*Belle note: At her very core, Carrie Bradshaw is an undisputed optimist. She's a direct descendent of Shirley McClaine's character in Sweet Charity, who after a run at a bad relationship decides to live "HOPEFULLY ever after."
**Belle note: You have to be "blind, crippled, and crazy" or have NO PERSONALITY to not meet a man in DC. They speak as much as they do in ATL and NY, but they do talk.
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Reader Comments (78)
*APPLAUSE*
The Racialicious blog post and this blog post sum up my sentiments EXACTLY. Gonna send all this to a friend of mine who reminds me of Andrews' and, although we're good friends, needs to get over herself. :-|
*APPLAUSE*
I absolutely agree with the point of view being expressed in this post! As soon as I saw the term "bitch" being used in the title of this book, I cringed! Being a part of the 20 something crowd myself and growing with each new experience I encounter, I would definitely say that as women, and men as well, we don't often like to take a look at the role we play in our own "loneliness".It's much easier to blame external factors for those unfavorable occurances in our life than to sit back and say "what is it about me and what I'm putting out there that may be bringing all this negativity into my life?"
However, I cannot wholeheartedly agree with what is being said on Racialicious. Particularly with the downplaying of the decline of 2-parent households in the Black community. I just started reading Hill Harper's "The Conversation" and a stat from his intro stopped me dead on: In 2006 fewer than 33% of black children were being raised in 2-parent households versus 84% in 1966, and not to mention that whites, Asians, and Latinos in 2006 all had 2-parent household percentages above 70. If that is not an issue, I don't know what is, especially when you look at what's going on with many young Black kids these days. Something is definitely tearing us a part. So making it seem like we don't need to get married anymore or even be together in a anon-traditional sense and build successful families is part of the problem.
Sorry for the long response, but the way Black men and women relate to one another is really something I am interested in! :o)
Hasn't the Black SATC been done already? HELLO "GIRLFRIENDS"? In the words of Kim Zolciak, Ms. Andrews is tardy for the party. Yeah, I won't be buying her contrived book or seeing the movie.
When I read these tired articles (because they come out regularly on some type of schedule, I'm convinced), I always side eye it because none of us knows what these women are like on a day to day or personal basis. Let's not assume that a woman who has a Master's Degree and a "high powered" job is also healthy, nice looking, well put together, and pleasant to be around.
Clearly that's not the case.
I was slighty disappointed in reading you wouldn't give your opinion on Ms. Andrew's post. This Belle post was quite clever.
I cosign with the *applause*
I read some the Washington Post article and TRIED to watch the accompanying video but has to turn it off after 30 seconds of hearing Andrews talk. Ummmm, I am a educated and successful 26 year old woman living in the DMV and I can't even remotely relate to anything she has to say, but I do know her type. She is among the handful of women who go out at night with their nose in the air and preconceived notions that every man should bow down to them and yet and still none of these men are ever good enough for them.
Like others I do agree that her use of the word 'bitch' grinds my gears. Isn't that the exact stereotype we as successful black women are trying to escape???? And now we have one of our own stamping it on her forehead and trying to project it on the rest of us...no thanks!!!
As far as this book being the black SATC...i don't think so. She should pop in her SATC box set and really look into the characters and story lines of the show. SATC was not about being a too good for anybody bitch and more about open minded dating and the freedom and fun of maturing as women.
It makes me sad that this will be hitting the big screen and I will not be able to support it...
Wonderful post....It upset me to read the article last week as I think we have enough challenges daily that could potentially set us back as black women. I make it my duty daily at work to not be "The Black Bitch" in the office. It's a sterotype that exists and frankly can have your head as the first one rolling off the chopping block come layoff or bonus time. As a DMV resident, I too see her at every happy hour or lounge with her small clique sipping wine and frowning as you tap her to say excuse me to move through the crowd. There is by no means a shortage of men in DC and while I do think its OK to have standards and sometimes even a "type" there are plenty in this area that fit whatever description you fancy....especially if you smile, and say hello while you do a simple two-step instead of brooding in the corner at an overpriced table ....
I tried to get into her article, but when I realized she was talking about difficulty dating in DC aka CHOCOLATE CITY I tuned out. I lived in DC for six years, and It was six years of chocolaty heaven. Of course, I didn't realize how good I had it until I moved to Boston. Major fail on my part.
If you live in DC and complain about how you cant find a good man, a good black man, then you need to take a good look at yourself and your priorities. Are you looking for a good black man or are you looking for a black man that makes a certain amount of money, drives a certain car, works in a Senators office, have no kids, went to a certain school, etc...???
Seriously.
"here are plenty in this area that fit whatever description you fancy....especially if you smile, and say hello while you do a simple two-step instead of brooding in the corner at an overpriced table ...."
AME!N!! and let me and my crew be the first to tell you, a good two step goes a LOOOONG way in meeting a man in DC. NYC and Chi.
bottomline: men like bright-eyed, FUN, happy women NOT "bitches"
(I know someone is about to say, but some men. do. to which i say dysfunctional people love dysfunctionally. remember that.)
loved the post
I don't understand what more do they want? I hate complainers who don't want to do anything about there situation. NO one is telling her to lower her standards but when you are unapproachable, a bitch, etc, what makes you think any man in his right man would want to be with you. And her idea of a winter boo? She's not serious about finding someone. ugggghhhhhhhhhhhhh I AM SO TIRED OF WOMEN LIKE THIS. We don't need any more negative light shined on BW. No thanks to this movie.
I've lived in DC for med school but now in Houston and I've never experienced this wack dating scene she speaks of. I still get stopped in grocery stores, malls, bookstores, lounges, etc. I'm a sz12 (not skinny), short pixie (no long hair), advanced degree (not pompous) and I have a great disposition about myself, I smile, say hello and sometimes have men doubling back to meet me because they aren't used to many women even caring to look them in the eye in public and be pleasant. It's not rocket science.
I agree with everyone and think it's interesting that the people who ID with Ms. Andrews seem so quiet in this debate. Methinks they're a lil' embarrassed to be called out. We all know these ladies. I'm an unmarried sister in DC and LOVING IT! The amount of educated, employed men were a part of the city's selling features. But it's easy to get stuck in your bubble.
If all of your girls are single, make more friends! One thing I've experienced with women like Andrews is that they push away and stereotype girls who are in relationships and, God forbid, pleased with their man, who isn't good enough. They assume relationships are filled with drama. They assume you want to "be with your boyfriend" all the time. It's their negative views of relationships that keep them out of a healthy one and encircled by closed-minded girlfriends who steer them in the wrong direction down Misery Lane. I do feel for them.
Amen Amen Amen, i Agree with all of you, I've haven't even read the article but from the sound of it, i really don't want to, that kind of negativity I don't want it to even enter my brain, I have women in my family that act like that, and they are always the first ones to stay leave your man if you have a disagreement, Why so i can be single and bitter like you, i think not.
All very good posts ladies!!!
Interesting. I mean, this is all well and good. But I think all the advice to women about how to go about getting a date or make yourself more palatable toward men only works up to a certain point. And I say this as a man. Because when I give this kind of advice to women myself, it's typically to women who are already pretty together in most other departments. For a good looking woman, telling her to be more approachable or to smile more is like telling the quarterback of a good offense how to read blitzes a little better. But I've been asked by women for men advice and it's been hard to give it to them because I wouldn't date them. Nor would any of my friends. Not because they're not bright or personable, they're just not physically competitive with what's out there. And as much as I might be able to give them some tips that might get them a little more contact with more men, I know that these men aren't going to choose her because, well, because they just won't. Wrote a blog about how I would be bitter as hell if I were a chick in these streets:
http://brandonsaintrandy.wordpress.com/2009/12/16/if-i-was-a-girl/
^^^physical attributes are very important. Don't relax on going to the gym, keeping hair tight, wardrobe blah blah blah. I think many women forget that.
Great Post Belle (or pseudo-post)! As a Belle from the Deep South (Houston), my GG always said you catch more flies with honey. I've never understood the theory of being mean to people. I’d much rather be nice and have options to pick from, than be a bytch and have none.
As a divorced woman in her late 30's, this whole buzz has caught my eye. I just remember being Andrew’s age and getting married because that's what all the kids were doing. You know just something to check on my list. I guess I just hoped that we had evolved by now and I do think we have to a degree, but it seems there will always be a section of our demographic that subscribes to the Bitch is the New Black theory.
I just wished the outside world would see black women as a polymorphic group ranging from bitch to belle (I believe in letting everyone be WHO they want to be) instead of a monolithic one that gets the angry and bitchy label slapped on ALL of us.
Oh and Minaminaminaminasayywhat??? I FEEL your pain. I was in Boston for a year after living in Houston most of my life and I missed the access to black men. I mean I spent the first 1.5 months just LOOKING for the black people period. I did finally find a few to entertain me, but its def SLIM picking in the bean.
-OG
I wasn't going to comment until I read what Original Glamazon said about more flies with honey. THAT IS SO TRUE. When I was in my 20s and upset about being single, the first piece of advice my cousin gave me was to smile. I remember going to the mall one afternoon and doing my shopping with a smile on my face and apparently it made me more approachable.
I think the big lesson here is that if you (man or woman) aren't putting your best foot forward IN GENERAL then you're never going to be happy with the results....whether there is a man shortage or you're stuck on an island full of em.
There's an entire generation of black women who feel that their educational and career achievements entitle them to romantic happiness, even though they really haven't worked at it. As though a good relationship is a magical reward for being smart and accomplished.
You can spot them because a discussion about relationships usually leads with (or heavily includes) talk about school and/or work, as though one has anything to do with the other(s).
And when someone suggests to them that they actually work at a relationship, they usually scoff at the idea, as though it is beneath them. Most will never look inside and reflect because it's like "I have everything on this checklist, where's my man, damnit!"
@Brandon St. Randy
I just read your ARTICLE and I appreciate your ever so humorous take on this subject matter. You were very open and exposing of your true male POV -- albeit not a very inspiring one. Sometimes the truth hurts and knowingly I can tell that you curtailed those very real thoughts, in your post on this site.
While I mildly agree with the picture that you painted of today’s dating mine field (it is crazy) I don't subscribe to the same thought that men are somehow in this "Utopia" of never-ending dating possibilities. It's a misguided thought logic far too easily summarized based on the casual observation of the number of single women in your presence. And if you are in search of "quantity" when it comes to women instead of "quality" are you really in the market for a serious relationship?
Most single women right now want to know how to establish the latter given that anyone with internet service can get a date. They want to know how to make it work and how to build it up so that they can have a family. Since the stance posed by Ms. Andrews is largely negative without offering any real hope or possibilities, many women are reeling against it.
In any case Randy, if you were indeed “a girl“ as your article writes you would hopefully aspire to someday become “a woman.” Girls are always misguided. It’s only after they mature and overcome a few obstacles that they become stronger, more focused and pay attention to detail. And finally they realize that weekly trips to the salon and daily sessions at the gym might get you “a man” but it won’t keep “a man worth having.”
@EQ
"weekly trips to the salon and daily sessions at the gym might get you “a man” but it won’t keep “a man worth having.”"
well, got damn. well, said
I wasn't going to post here today (I'm protesting Belle's silence on the subject) but I need to thank EQ for her St. Randy response. So necessary.
And let the church say (or is that the trap?) ayyyyyye....
There are times when I am thrown by the content on your blog Belle. Your assertions don't always fully make the case for your respective arguments--but I like what you do. I truly do. So I stay.
THUS, I must say this--my heart "stung" a little for you, when I read the Post article and watched the accompanying video featuring Ms. Andrews--because quite honestly, I feel you have the "Black Carrie Bradshaw" category on lock.
Keep climbing mama. Keep extending your brand. And somebody, anybody for the love of Jesus Christo, trademark "The Black Carrie Bradshaw"
Co-sign, co-sign, and MORE CO-SIGN!!!! The author is not looking for a man, but a resume'.
The original SATC = Living Single!!!
I think you get what you put into it. So, if you're not putting forth positive energy into an area, what can you really expect to get back?
I was kind of over the article when I read Ms. Andrews proclamation from a co-worker that people didn't speak to her in the office b/c she was a "b***h". I wouldn't think that would be something worth repeating.
Just as someone said before, you're not owed a relationship just because you've reached some sort of pinnacle in regards to education and career. I think the entitlement is where they are lead astray. But really, a bunch of mean mugging wanches by the bar won't get any play. Even if they're drop-dead gorgeous and a man does approach, they'll probably stonewall him and cause him to move on within 5 minutes. No thank you.
Great posts and wonderful comments!!! I agree with Areefuh. I will not support this book or the movie. Thank you for posting, Belle!
Ms. Pillowz
BigDivaHq.com
Merely want to mention that Helena Andrews has complained strongly and often that the WaPo article was pursued with an agenda already set, and vastly misrepresented her remarks and their focus during the interview, to the point of ignoring multiple paragraphs of explanation by her that counterdict the selective quoting and paraphrasing of the WaPo article writer.
I don't make any claim to know what actually happened, But it is at least important to know Ms. Andrews' exception to the WaPo article as we use it to evaluate her and her book.
--- Aaby
It's funny reading blog comments b/c 1. Every poster is having a great life and fabulous time 2. Everyone is FULL of advice on what other women can do to find a man 3. Peole can't WAIT to tell black women where they lack. (how in the world could this guest blogger assess that its helena's fault that she's single from ONE article. Highly interesting indeed). In fact, this whole debate is an interesting thing to observe. I read the article in the Post, a lot of what Helena said rang true VERY true for me. From the comments it looks like a lot people didn't read the article so much as skimmed it, including the guest blogger. Helena has got a hard battle on her hands because people (including black women) have some interesting filters when it comes to themselves and other black women. And a lot of black women wish they'd have been Helena at her own game and now have nothing positive to say. Hopefully, black women outside of the blogosphere will give her a chance. I think the blogosphere is a bubble of its own, I've learned that in the past two months. Opinions expressed on blogs are typically NOT of the mainstream. I think that's a VERY good thing.