Reflections: Single Mothers
Sunday, December 27, 2009 at 10:06PM How many Black women can say that their mothers, but can’t say that they’re wives? — Common, “Retrospect for Life”
I live in the in-the middle-of- gentrification Brooklyn and listen to the radio as it blasts by my window. 50’s “Have A Baby My Me, Baby, Be A Millionaire” is a certified hood-hit. Ghostface’s “Baby” didn’t have the same mass appeal, and while I love the song, I didn’t overlook the idea that it was a love song to a “baby mama” rather than a wife. I harken back to the Fantasia song “Baby Mama” and how God-awfully offended my family was when the band performed it at my cousin’s wedding reception. (She did have a kid by the man she married, but she was officially a wife by then, sheesh.)
I’m not one to harp on the “good ol days “ when life was about school yard rhymes (ie, brainwashing) that went “first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes XXX with a baby carriage.” And I do think the pop music should reflect popular culture— which is a whole lot of unmarried folk with kids. But how do we get back to a point where marriage and two parent households is respected and celebrated in our community? Where “baby mama” doesn’t become synonymous with the destiny of Black women? (Recall the guy I stopped dating because he told me I’d be his “baby mama” someday.)
Stay with me.
I was talking to a writer-icon the other day about a story she’s working on and in our conversation, she mentioned something I found… odd. She’s married with a kid, and she was telling me about the “guilt” she felt (“not pity, guilt,” she emphasized) that she feels for being a Black married woman. She confessed she sometimes goes out of her way not to say “my husband,” choosing “my man” or just calling him by his given name instead.
The very next day, I was on the phone with another writer, interviewing her for the contributors page of The Magazine. I was asking her about any life landmarks in 2010 and she said, “oh, I’ll celebrate my tenth anniversary with my partner.” Partner? I assumed she was gay. But being a dutiful journalist, I followed up with, “oh, ok. Are you cool with that title? Is that a domestic partnership or…?” She goes, “oh, I’m married. It’s my husband.” I thought, why didn’t you say so? And then, is it for the same reason that the first writer doesn’t say so either?
Those two incidences got me to thinking. I do this thing, and a lot of other people I know do to (nine-tenths of my friends have the exact same background as me), where when I’m dating a guy, I avoid asking him about his father unless he brings it up. (Daddy issues run deep and will shut down a conversation.) I also assume most people’s parents are divorced. And to avoid bringing it up, I don’t mention my father or “my parents” in conversation unless I’m pretty sure people’s parents are married. For awhile I didn’t know I did it. I adopted the lexicon of the masses. For instance, when I’d go back to Maryland for a visit, I’d say, “I’m going to my Mom’s house” totally negating the fact that my father lives there and is still married to my mother. It’s not done out of guilt… if I’m honest, it’s more to avoid sounding like I’m bragging.
Stay with me.
Yesterday, I was reading over on YBF.com about Keyshia Cole’s due-anyday-now pregnancy. (Yes, she’s pregnant. She’s HUGE in the pictures.)
Pregnant unmarried/ single mom Black celebrity. Pretty common description these days— Jill Scott, Taraji Henson, Erykah Badu, Brandi, Lauryn Hill (there’s no marriage license), Tichina Arnold, Halle Berry, Lauren London, Jennifer Hudson, Monica etc. And now Keyshia.
I don’t judge “trends” by what celebs do because they are a lil’ different than the masses (and I also don’t think being popular or talented makes you an automatic “role model”), but the prevalence of single Black moms in “reality” is backed up by the by the numbers— 70% of Black children are born to unwed mothers. And in case you think that’s just manipulated stats at work, the writer-icon (a very involved Mommy) estimates that four out of five women that she talks to about mommy-stuff are single moms.
I wonder where we are going as a society when women who are married with kids feel guilty about their husbands and the kids of said married people start hiding their fathers and avoid mentioning that their parents are together to avoid sounding uppity. This is where we are, and it’s only getting worse. What can we do to change that? Where do we start? (That’s not rhetorical.)
Stay with me.
Maybe the tide is finally turning. Maybe. I was reading the comments to the YBF.com’s Keyshia Cole post and many of the responses about single Black mothers were demanding that we as a people do better (there were also a healthy amount saying, “What’s the big deal” *kanye shrug*) But then too, I wondered if they were too judgmental?
There’s a very “us” vs. “them” outlook toward single mothers that I think is misplaced. I don’t think unmarried women with kids practice behavior that is all that different than “other” women… in the sense that most of us are having sex and it’s with men who aren’t their husbands (maybe it’s because for single mothers the sex was so clearly unprotected and that’s looked at as straight up stupid by most people?) They happened to get pregnant and keep the kid. So I wonder where all the moral outrage comes from.
Quotes from YBF commenters:
There is nothing cute or admirable about having babies without a loving husband in a stable household. The “being responsible after the accident” excuse is tired. Our community needs to be and do better.
The reason that there are so many single mothers is because they got pregnant on purpose and the man wasn’t wit it so they left. No one wants to admit it but every woman with a trifling man thinks that if they get pregnant he will change. I don’t care what anyone says either. When the plan backfires then all of a sudden u have this “I can’t stand my baby’s father” thing going on when really your mad cuz you got rejected.
LAYIN UP AN F*CK*N, WITHOUT ANY THOUGHT TO USING CONTRACEPTION IS IRRESPONSIBLE ON MANY LEVELS. KEYSHIA AND DUDE AIN’T GETTIN MARRIED. KEYSHIA WILL END UP LIKE ALL THE OTHER GHETTO, HOOD SINGLE MOTHERS…WITH A BABY DADDY AND NO RING. SHE’S LUCKY SHE HAS HER OWN MONEY.
when these women get in temporary relationships and think this guy is special, they seal the deal with having a child with them. Only to find out later on that guy wasn’t worth anything. It’s disgusting and disgraceful!
If you don’t want be a single mother, stop having sex without a plethora of protection and stop having sex with men that are not good enough to marry, but only good enough to have sex with. The decisions are really that simple. Our community is letting our sexual desires manage us and its destroying us one single parent baby with no father at a time.
Women jump into relationships too fast and have baby’s trying to keep men. Use protection. Stop having raw sex. Too many baby’s are made from jump offs.
Women need to wake up and realize they are not just hurting themselves, they are hurting their kids as well. They are just being selfish and displaying acts of low self esteem. If a man loves you enough he will marry you and raise his own kids.
Stay with me.
I shaved my head for the third time when I was about 25. I was sitting in the barber’s chair and we were getting to know one another, shooting the ish and such. He asked me how many children I had. I told him, “none.” He was shocked. “No kids?! You don’t want babies?! Why don’t you have babies?!” Instead of launching into the truth (Um… kids? Not for me), I told him I was waiting on a husband before I had kids. I think I offended half the shop. A lot of people with kids, nobody with a ring present.
Stay with me.
I was at the barber shop last weekend, getting my sides shaved down. Different shop, different barber. Five years later. I still don’t have kids. The barber and his girl recently had a baby. He asks, “D, when you having kids?” I give the same answer. He says, “I respect that.”
And I wondered why he didn’t put a ring on the woman who just had his kid. He’s a good dude. Works hard, goes home to his lady when he’s not working, doesn’t run the streets. He’s committed to her, no doubt. They’ve brought a life into the world. So I wonder what keeps him from becoming her husband instead of just her man or her “baby daddy.” They’re serious enough to bring a life into the world. Why not get married? (Spare me the “marriage isn’t for everyone” argument. It only holds water with people who don’t want kids or don’t live with a romantic partner.)
Stay with me.
Remember that “baby mama” dude? He was sitting on my couch one night and he said “D, you’d be my favorite baby mama.”
His father’s a rolling stone. Multiple kids by multiple women.
“Uh, your mother was a wife, not a baby mama,” I remind him. “Why don’t you see me as good enough to be a wife?”
He says he’s joking and I think too much. Then adds, “besides being a baby mama is fine even when ya’ll break up if the dude takes care of his kid. That’s what matters. It’s only a problem when he gets married to someone else and you realize you settled.”
He laughed.
I didn’t think it was funny. But I wondered why being a single mother is the woman’s fault for settling and not the man’s fault for not putting a ring on it. Shouldn’t single parenthood be a shared blame if we’re placing any?
Fin.
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Reader Comments (113)
I think the reason why single parenthood is placed more on the women than on the men is that women have the ultimate access to their bodies, which gives them the responsibility on whether or not men can have sex with them. Also, when black kids are born into the world, they are raised more by single mothers than single fathers. With those 2 facts, women tend to criticize more than men for single parenthood because whether a child is going to be born into the world lies on the decisions of the woman.
Alot of times it's a vicious cycle being repeated. If a child grows up with only one parent in the home or parents who weren't married, they most likely wouldn't value the idea of commitment especially before deciding to create a child with someone. Sometimes it's out of ignorance.
My parents got married before they decided to have me & three of my siblings & they still are. They are an example for me. I know I want to have kids & absolutely refuse to do so without being committed by way of marriage. With the rise in single-parent households the idea of the nuclear family is slowly dissolving & it's not only hurting their children it's hurting the future. These children are growing up aspiring to be baby's mamas & baby's daddies because they're not seeing it & they're not living in it.
My cousin is pregnant by someone she's been dating for 4 months. She planned it by tracking her fertile days and doing the deed then (the guy didn't know she was planning this although he DID have unprotected sex with her). They are nowhere close to being engaged or even a stable couple. He has a child from a previous relationship. She has had 3 abortions and was afraid she couldn't get pregnant again (she tried with 2 previous boyfriends who she didn't love). My sister-in-law thought she was pregnant by a dude who basically shat on her throughout their relationship (comes home to another woman in her bed, was humiliated by him and his friends, they had her arrested, long story) and was EXCITED about it.
I am baffled. In these cases they are so focused on the baby and what their perceptions of having a baby are that they haven't (to my knowledge) thought long term or seen the big picture or think about the relationship with the guy. I am so confused. Are women just romanticizing being mothers and having a baby thinking oh, we have family to help that it doesn't matter what happens with the guy?
I agree with most of the sentiments expressed in the article, however, it fails tom address the fact that marriage is not the eternal- everlasting union that we (society) once knew it as. The divorce rate is straddling 50% now, and you even said yourself that you assume people's parents are divorced.
The real issue at hand is father's abandoning their children. While this is especially a cultural epidemic for black people (some of whom flee before the stomach starts to show), it is a societal problem at large. Perhaps it is more noble to be married and living with your children for any period of time, rather than none at all, but that doesn't negate the long-term effects left on a child. (In other words, being married to a woman and getting divorced when your child is five is not much different than being in your child's life despite never marrying.
*Stay with me*
What was also left out of the article was the impact the economy plays into the family structure. Being married in 2009 isn't what it was in 1975. It usually takes two full-time incomes to keep a family afloat these days (especially in Gentrified-Brooklyn where I also reside). Gone are the days of the stay-at-home mom who cooks and cleans and nurtures. As chauvinist as it may seem, marriage has lost it's luster for many men, and the stories of half the men that get married having alimony garnished out of their wages doesn't help.
Now with that said, in order to have the ideal "stable" household, it would take the average black couple years to accomplish. There are no trust funds, and life insurance policies from deceased parents - it's get out of college in debt only to face the harsh realities of life. I know many people (from different racial backgrounds) that are currently in their 40's with no real shot at having kids, because they spent the prime of their life trying to get "stable". The abundance of un-wed mothers (I'm obviously not referring to knocked up teens here), seems to be a cross between wanting to have kids, despite the bleak optimism of stability (whether it be financially, or in a relationship).
*Stay with me*
A lot of women really want kids, and waiting around for Mr. Right can be both heart-breaking and time consuming. Apparently they are willing to take a chance at love, and if it works they can brag to their friends, if it doesn't, they can (hopefully) collect child support while living off of food stamps, welfare, section 8, and gaining eligibility for every other crutch that's out there for them, and use the huge income tax return to buy all the Louis Vuitton bags they say Keisha Cole rockin' on BET.
:kanyeshrug:
At the end of the day, there is no one to blame. No single-mom (outside of Maury) will complain about their situation. All of this crying (outside of the politicians struggles to set tax dollars aside to support this coonery) is coming from the elitist nappy headed hoes. One fact remains - unless you find the ultimate simp (this usually happens in your 40's when most men are too creepy to hit the clubs for women), marriage is and always will be a gamble. There is no such thing as a soulmate, it's called settling.
~ CoooCoon
First, I just want to say that I recently found this blog and have been reading the archives... I love it. Please get that book out. I am ultra-conservative and old fashioned when it comes to relationships. As far as celebs go, when you look at their own backgrounds you see that many of them came from households where their mother and father were never married. I believe this is true of Jill and Erykah. And we've seen Keyshia's show. And I think this is true of many single parents who are never married. They can say, "my parents never married and I came out fine. Why get married." It's like a cycle. The blame for single parenthood is the man and the woman's fault. But you can't make someone marry you if one party wants to and the other doesn't. I don't think people should marry someone simply for the child. However, I do think if you can consider having a child with someone and raising a child with someone (as opposed to adoption or abortion) you should consider marrying them. I think a child deserves that consideration. I guess its a matter of what is worse, the possibility of divorce or never getting marriedWhen you look at the research on the impact of marriage not just on children but on income and communities as a whole, I don't see how anyone, ESPECIALLY A BLACK PERSON can defend single parenthood.
I think some people think they don't deserve to be married, for whatever reason. Marriage is not for them because they aren't worthy enough, proper enough, rich enough, bougie enough or whatever. I think that's BS. Or Marriage is a ball and chain...like a kid ain't! I am single and plan to get married when the "one" comes along. And I will never apologize for that! We will have papers! I don't call my brother that guy who has the same mother and father as me...he my brother! And if I say I do and sign my name with witness or whatever is on a marriage license, he's my husband. Humph what were they calling him when he got down on one knee and whipped that ring out? Ironic these women feel guilty about calling their husband what he is...I bet if they got divorced they'd want the world to know they were divorced single mothers, not some "hood rat baby mama".
Now I don't really ask about folk's fathers for the reasons you stated. But when it comes to a potential husband, If he got daddy issues, he needs to have made peace with it (like he can bring it up without it being an issue) before we proceed. I'm sorry your dad was trifling or mia but it's too counterproductive in a relationship. Shoot that goes for either parent. I do feel weird about saying "my parent's house" but now I almost make a point to say it so people can realize that black people do get married and can stay married (both sets of my grandparents are divorced)
That baby mama song made me cringe, but Tasia was singing about her life:)
I wonder what the divorce rate is for people who have kids...compared to people who divorce but never had kids together. Having a father in the home has an better impact on a child than just "being in its life" I know everyone can't stay together but I'm just saying I know so many men who feel abandoned but their fathers don't think they abandoned them because they were sending that child support check.
/
"No single-mom (outside of Maury) will complain about their situation. All of this crying (outside of the politicians struggles to set tax dollars aside to support this coonery) is coming from the elitist nappy headed hoes.
lol!
weird. i know a few single moms all of the sudden. they do complain. and very few take their income tax to LV or designer brands. they kinda use it for the kid and bills and such, you know?
i was with you till you fell into Regan-esque stereotypes at the end. oh, and the name calling. made an otherwise valid argument shaky, you know?
@Gem
"Are women just romanticizing being mothers?"
I think that's a piece of it. I listen to one of the women at my job discuss single motherhood and I am totally shocked at 1) the price of kids and 2) the time commitment involved. the completely valid things she worries over really scare me.
in other news:
i wonder why single mothers are vilified and not the men. if having a kid alone is despicable for a woman shouldn't it also be despicable to leave a woman and your own child to fend for themselves? (you know how i'm all equal opportunity for this stuff.)
It's all harsh sarcasm (the ending)... sorry if that wasn't obvious or if it detracted from the seriousness of the convo... i'm just a clown "/
it is so interesting to read about this phenomenon of single motherhood. i grew up in a single parent household and honestly, that makes me determined to be married before having kids. I was raised by an amazing mother and great and supportive family and I couldn't have asked for more. My dad was not a big factor in my life and honestly, I eventually cut him out completely due to his triflin nature. However, I place a high value on waiting until I'm married. Honestly, that is something I seem to obsess on more than some other people who have married parents. Maybe i'm the minority but I have the same values as a lot of other people with two parents, even though I have been raised around both types of families. I really don't know what it is in our community. Because anyone raised in a single parent household knows that it can be tough and painful at times. I was pretty lucky to have my upbringing but there is something that is always missing when you grow up without a parent in the house. I think instead of people like those commenters constantly saying how stupid women are (which they are not), we need to try to show women why its critical to try to wait until they are married. If you never had a consistent father in your life, you may not know what you are missing. But they should know why it's beneficial. At the same time, sometimes they may have special situations where the single parent might be better (i.e. abusive relationships, awful parents, etc.). There has to be a balance, and more encouragement w/ less condemnation. Seriously, can everyone say they have always been the most careful when having pre-marital sex? I highly doubt it.
I was just having a similar conversation with my parents who have been married 25+ years. They were married before they thought about having me and waited over 3 years to add me to the family. I think that some women especially very young ladies are having babies because they are unsure about their future. They feel like they have nothing to loose by having a kid with a guy who is not really important to their future or the child. I think it is hard to place blame because women are getting pregnant out of wedlock from all backgrounds. Though, I do think the incidences are lower in women who have lived in 2 parent households. It is really unfair to the children who unfortunately are suffering often times being shuffled about from parent to parent or family member to family member.
Gender roles play a huge part in the negative connotation that comes with "single mother" vs. "single father". Many feel that because the woman will be the presumed caretaker of the child that she should be more mindful of her sexual practices. It is also assumed that the man will not be an active part of the womans or the childs lives (YBF comments give proof) which again leaves the idea that as women we should protect ourselves against "no good daddy" syndrome carriers.
The woman carries the baby so if you look at her belly, and look at her left hand ring finger, you know she is a single mother. With men, unless they tell you or someone else does most people will never know. Men too face a stigma that people generalize them into the role of the absentee father. If a man tells you he has a child one of the first questions that comes to mind is "I wonder if he spends time with his kid?" That's if an automatic assumption isn't made that he skipped out.
It's not fair, and honestly I really don't know what could change that. While it is obvious that the standards for preparation of motherhood have surely fallen, without rebuilding faith in marriage I believe we are doomed to broken homes. Yes, the statistics about marriage will give you nightmares at the thought of walking down the aisle, but we have to have reverence for the union that is family. The acceptance of the "modern family" has somehow turned into an antagonist to the traditional family. To me, it's a cop-out. Failed marriage, down low men, and infidelity is no reason to dismiss or devalue marriage, it is an excuse. And in my opinion not even a legitimate one.
No dis to single mothers, I am the product of one (I'm adopted, and my mother is and always has been single), but we have to stop feeling like it is ok to bring a kid here who has to watch their parent struggle under the hopes that "they will learn the importance of hardwork, dedication, and persistance, and take on a go geetter mentality." There are other route's to that. For the former we trade learning what it feels like to be a member of a functional two-parent home, and being witnesses to the love that we dream of. While it isn't the end of life or a death sentence to a productive future for your child to be a single parent, it is an unfair exchange in comparison to the latter. It's one thing to learn to function in the midst of a dysfunctional situation, than to create dysfunction and claim it to be functional.
Belle,
Long time reader, first time commentator. I'm happy that you are brave and open enough to discuss this controversial topic. I'm going to put myself out there and clearly state that I believe having children outside of marriage is wrong and puts the woman and the offspring at a huge social and economic disadvantage. Children should have the opportunity to grow up in a two-parent home being raised by responsible and loving adults. IF two people are not willing to make a LEGAL commitment to each other, then they have NO business having children. Sadly no one wants to take responsibility for his or her actions these days. Children aren't accessories or tools to keep a relationship together. They are human beings who have the potential for greatness or destruction. Their talents and purpose in life need to be cultivated by responsible adults, not some immature idiots who are emotionally empty and looking for a quick fix. Although my parents are divorced (key word DIVORCED LOL) both emphasized that under no circumstances that my siblings and I have children out of wedlock. Even though they were unable to stay married, they both were proactive in making sure my siblings and I grew up to be well-rounded adults who had access to all the opportunities life has to offer.
The string of celebrities having children outside of marriage and living the glamorous life doesn't reflect reality. In reality a woman having children out of wedlock is more likely to struggle financially and bare sole responsibility of raising the children, In reality men who don't marry the mother of their children TEND to be less invested than those who do. Also women put themselves at a huge disadvantage by having children out of wedlock. A baby-momma doesn't get the same social benefits as a wife. You may be entitled to child support but beyond that, society doesn't offer baby mommas the same support and protection as they do to wives.
When I patron places that are predominately black, I get asked questions all the time about why I don’t have children. I make NO apologies that I’m waiting for a husband before I create life. Hell I’m debating if I even want children at this point because I love my lifestyle and the freedom it affords. In fact I don’t think any black woman should make apologies for having high standards for her life or desiring to be someone’s wife. If you are already married, God bless your marriage and be proud that you and your mate took a significant step by legally committing to each other. If another female is okay with some man using her vagina as a cum deposit then that’s her problem. There is no shame in having standards and commanding respect. In fact my belief is that if a man is not willing to make a commitment to you (and your goal is marriage) then you need to drop him with quickly. There is no point in having him use your body or drain you emotionally. Time and youth are priceless treasures that can never be regained once they are gone.
Belle said "i wonder why single mothers are vilified and not the men. if having a kid alone is despicable for a woman shouldn't it also be despicable to leave a woman and your own child to fend for themselves? (you know how i'm all equal opportunity for this stuff.)"
Men who abandon their children are the scum of the earth to me. There is absolutely no excuse outside of death for not taking care of one's children. However I believe women get the blunt of the criticism because outside of rape, we do have control over our reproductive health. Nowadays there is absolutely no reason why a woman should have an unplanned pregnancy. Learn your fertility cycles! Take birth control pills. Hell be more selective when it comes to your sexual partners. And for the love of GOD USE PROTECTION! HIV is one of the top killers of young black women. I'm down right frightened at the idea of catching an STD, let alone getting pregnant. . Most accidentally pregnancies are the result of the woman and her partner being careless and irresponsible. There really isn't any excuse. We don't live in the stone age.
This was a really good blog. I am a single mother. I am 23 years old and I have already now 3 children, 3 and under. I had my last child in April and decided to get my tubes tied. I was in a relationship with someone who I thought would be there for me and the kids but ended up leaving us high and dry. I agree that their is a shared blame in the ordeal. I know I look myself in the mirror and face my decisions. I believe it's sad that men aren't willing to be in a child's life let alone acknowledge them but my children father didn't have a father in his life. I didn't have a mother in my life. There was not one example of a marriage in my family growing up. None of my aunts were married or in some cases had a successful one. I was a young girl naive and not knowing how to handle life or men. It starts with the parents. I am now a single mother doing it all by myself. It's hard out here but even harder to know you have allowed yourself to become another statistic to single motherhood.
OMG, Lisa I too grow up in f family were NO ONE was married. At least none of the women were. My grandfather was married as was my great uncle but most if not all of the women were single parents. I can't think of every witnessing a loving male and female relationship. NOT ONE.
One of the main reasons I would never encourage any black women to be a "baby mama" is due to the fact that damn near every women I knowwho has choosen to do so are struggling!!! Most of us not can not afford to purchase a home, most of use are in major debt and most of us have no money put away for our childrens college.
It seem that it's a cylce. Generations and generations of us are products of single parent homes. I dont mean the kinda home were your dad would come pick you on the weekends. I mean no daddy what so ever.
I married and I live in a area. To some of the people in my life it seems odd. That a young black couple could be married, educated, live a nice home, have a little put away. I cant tell you how many times I've been told that we live like "white folks".
The bottom line is I realize that everyone makes mistakes. But ladies we owe it to ourselves and our children to do the best job we can of finding the best father for our children. Finding a man who you would want your son to grow up to be like.
I also want to add I am in one way trying to bash single mother's our there.
...stay with me...UGH
Can someone please define single mother? Are we talking a single woman, raising the kid with the dad or a single mom with no help from the father? That can make this convo turn so many ways...
Why does it seem like the comments are lumping all single moms into the "reckless careless woman". Why does a woman have to be reckless and careless? What if she was married first and then got divorced, is she still reckless and careless and letting men use her vajayjay for a sperm deposit? Le.Sigh.
I personally know PLENTY of "single mothers WIVES". yes, WIVES that are truly single parents because their husbands don't help in any way shape or form. WHy is that any different?? it's really not about being single, it is about responsibilty. You brought a child in the world, woMAN up and SHARE in the responsibilty of raising the child right. I am a single mother( if that's what u want to call it) and yes, i wasn't as careful as I should have been but I sure didn't plot and deceive to make a baby and by no means did i want to have a child out of wedlock(but it happened) but debating between killing a baby and accepting my actions, i chose the latter.
@ Latifah
"due to the fact that damn near every women I knowwho has choosen to do so are struggling!!! Most of us not can not afford to purchase a home, most of use are in major debt and most of us have no money put away for our childrens college. " How can you lump all of that "struggle" to having a baby by themselves? I know plenty of struggling black woman WITHOUT kids, who can't say they have ISH...i.e fresh LV's but empty wallets. Black ppl in general have a problem falling into the materialistic, must have "things" mode, so its not just single moms. If ppl stopped living beyond their means, there wouldn't be a struggle.(unless your comment was toward ppl who are already underprivileged) becuase my life is nothing like the one you described. I have my own house, great job, car, yes, it is a struggle at times but who doesn't have some type of struggle in their life? Mine just happens to be because of the little person. My son won't see me "struggle" in any aspect of my life, that's an adult issue, not kids.I CHOOSE to do better, i CHOOSE to make his life great, I CHOOSE to have other male role models in his life so he isn't dependant on just Dad. Just becasue you are dealt certain cards doesn't mean you have to play them. I threw my cards back and got some new somes. LIfe is what you make it.
My greatest fear is to be a single mother. I fear it like some people fear children. EEEKKKKKK
I grew up in a single parent home. I was fortunate enough to have a mom who financially didn't need my dad. My dad came around when he felt like it or did "drive bys" (drive bys = calling me downstairs while parked on my block to give me $$) At age 12, I learned to use my dad as a walking ATM. He only came around when he had $$ and after awhile I only wanted to see him when he had some. His promises always fell short and during college, he got mad at me for going to private school instead of the local Community College. Yes, all of this so he wouldn't have to pay. So there was no surprise that my attitude and behavior reflected what type of men I ATTRACTED.
Age 16, mom gets married to a Senegalese Immigrant, who was her cab driver to work. My mom was 42 and married for love NOT $$. My step-dad turned my world upside down and sadly I respect him more than my dad. He EARNED my respect and taught (mostly through actions) what a man should be like. He treats my mom like a queen and my mom wants FOR NOTHING!! He is a hard worker and treats everyone with respect regardless of race, creed or color.
Fast Forward, May 2008, Age 21 (BD is late in the year) I graduate from college. My Parents (mom and step-dad, which by the way I am SO PROUD TO SAY IT ANYTIME ANYONE ASK ME!!) sit inside of the tent to watch me cross the stage and shake George Bush Sr. hand (I went to an ultra conservative school, he was my guest speaker) at graduation. You could only have 2 tickets inside the tent, all others had to stand outside the tent and watch it on the Megatron. My Dad was considered apart of the "others" crowd, not because I didn't care for him or didn't want him to be there BUT because when he stopped having $$ he stopped coming around, which meant I only saw him twice a year, my birthday and xmas. So when I gave the name for the two ppl on the tickets, I couldn't find him, he didn't return my phone calls and he just showed up. (my school is in RI, so he drove 3 hrs from NYC just show up)
My point in telling this story is, I wish I grew up in a two parent household sooner than later. I had to learn how a man should be from a man other than my father. This story is my own BUT some children have it worst and some have it better than I did. I was a child who wished her father came around more often and sometimes got mad at my mom for not picking a better man. Her response was "He was cute". I give her the stone face* every time she says that nonsense.
We need to stop having babies with men because "He was cute" and have children with men who are like my step-dad. (heck, I know I will be )
**stone face = side eye or look you give to ppl with dumb responses.
Very interesting to read the thoughts of a progressive group of women. I especially agree with comments by "Muse." She is right on target, IMO. There are a multitude of reasons why we find the Black community in its current state of dis-harmony regarding the family unit and our illogical thoughts and attitudes about kids and marriage. IMHO, the bottom line is WE need to get back to the mindset that there is something wrong--with single parenting: something wrong with the daddy and the mama. Back in the day when there was a desire to make sure young men and women didn't give up on life because they made the "mistake" of making an unplanned baby, there was a lot of positivity put into how you can still recover, still make something out of your life, despite having a child out of wedlock, which typically was long before you were mentally and financially able to handle it. Flash forward a few decades and look where that concept has taken us to: a place where there is NO stigma bcuz it's so common place. WE have become our own enemy, the ones who hold our collective group back and apart from the rest of humanity. THERE should be a stigma, should be some shame for having sex and more to the point, for having babies prior to marriage. Marriage should NOT be considered optional when a man and a woman have kids. Remaining celibate, having an abortion, giving a kid up for adoption should ALL be considered better options than what we have now, bcuz only then, will we change this mindset that is crippling our collective future. We have tried to pat single parents on the back, tell them they’re okay. They’re NOT okay. They’re bad decision makers. Bad judges of character. WE all fall short…true-dat, but we all didn’t have babies out of wedlock. Harsh—yes. But until it’s something uncomfortable, it ain’t gonna change. After you pick out those first baby outfits…change those first diapers…….Babies aren’t so cute……after you miss you first few New Years eve parties…miss out on going to this place or that place bcuz you don’t have a baby-sitter……..after you spend ALL your money on diapers, food and knowledge toys…..you figure out: Babies are gonna be WORK…..for 18-22 years…AND beyond!
I always agree with Muse, and Ms. Faceoff, I think you brought up some good points.
While it's not right that the mother gets blamed when it's the father who runs off, I think the children in these situations can collect some major resentment toward their MOTHER for picking the wrong man.
I have a friend who's parents were married, but they divorced and the dad never comes around. The mom admits she picked him because he was cute or something of that nature. Well, as much as my friend hates her dad, she's rather annoyed at her mother for being a poor decision maker.
We as women owe it to our children and yet-to-be-born children to pick men who will be good FATHERS. And yes, while anything can happen, it's simply COMMON SENSE that a man who marries a woman before they have children is going to be more likely to be invested in the child they have later, versus a man who impregnates a woman that he never marries. Yes, there are exceptions, but most of us are NOT exceptions. In general, a man who is a husband is going to be more likely than a "baby daddy" to stick around and care for the welfare of his children.
When this topic comes up anywhere, people are going to get defensive. But getting defensive and pointing out how you turned out fine or how the kids you're raising alone will turn out fine and how this doesn't apply to you and your situation doesn't change things. Guess what... you probably are not the exception. Your situation is probably going to be like the majority of how these turn out.
While I too don't bash single mothers for doing what they have to do, I know that kids pay attention. Kids don't like knowing that mom's mistakes and poor mate selection process means that they don't have a daddy around.
We ALL have got to do better. Like Belle said though, I think there is starting to at least be some recognition that this baby mama, baby daddy culture ain't cool... while it might take a little more time for this to turn into action, I'm happy that more black people are starting to speak up and say that this is NOT acceptable.
I'm on the verge of being a single mother (by definition only) but the thought of me being a baby momma has never entered my mind. In fact when my 20something cousin jokingly asked me about "baby daddy" I made a conscious decision never to speak to her again. I don't like the terms. I'm a 37 year old college educated woman. For years I felt I wouldn't have kids before I was married. Then my real life happened. No man appeared I wanted to marry (sure I had close calls but I want to be with someone for love and not only to say I'se married.). The man who would give me my first child is the man I would marry but the carriage came first. I didn't regret anything until folks started looking at my growing belly and then my left hand and shook their heads tsk tsk. Are you serious? My eggs are almost done and you're judging me for not being married? Go to hell. And then there are the folks who think I'm giving my man an easy pass to free ass because he didn't "do right by me." The thing is my man has been doing right by me since I met him. Sure we didn't get caught up and run to City Hall but the love is there and in my heart of hearts I know he's here to stay, and that one day I'll call him my husband proudly. Until then I'm going to live the life God has put before me.
"having an abortion, giving a kid up for adoption should ALL be considered better options than what we have now"
eh... i don't agree. but i think i get where you're going, which is to put the stigma back on having kids pre-marriage so that the prevalance stops.
it works in theory. but it also causes people to do crazy ish to conceal/get rid off pregnancy in application. i also don't think abortion should be used as some sort of expensive BC pill. and giving kids up to "the system" creates another bad situation out of an already tough situation.
maybe the solution is to teach folks to protect themselves upfront and not to have sex under any circumstances without. also , maybe we go back to teaching young men that you "do the right thing" by at the very least supporting the mother of their child and the child or you try to make it work for as long as you can by getting married. two pronged affect makes everybody responsible and educated.
and yes, i realize that marriage isn't the end-all to the situation, but I think the idea of having to marry someone you barely know or barely like would make some folk think twice about what they do and who they do it with.
last that: telling single mothers they are horrid people doesn't help their situation. the kid is here, we should be in help mode at this point.
"Sure we didn't get caught up and run to City Hall but the love is there and in my heart of hearts I know he's here to stay, and that one day I'll call him my husband proudly. Until then I'm going to live the life God has put before me."
When I hear things like this, I wonder though... why haven't y'all gone to City Hall?
Pregnancy before marriage is nothing new... it's as old as civilization. Thing was, most people understood that once the pregnancy happened, playtime was over and it was time to man up and woman up and get married.
So I guess I don't understand why two people who say they love each other and have a baby on the way don't go ahead and get married. And really, I don't see any general difference between the older college-educated woman who is unmarried and pregnant versus the younger uneducated one. Yes, the former will be better off raising a child because of her age and resources, but you both are still unmarried mothers with babies out of wedlock.
Thanks Lisa99! You said it all perfectly.
The only thing I would add is that every single excuse I hear from a woman who willingly got pregant outside of marriage has been a selfish one.
Ex: I became a single mother in fear that my biological timeclock was running out.
@ DC Man with a Plan - Unfortunately, I know more women WITH children who go out and "kick it" 10 times more than I do. But I think you touched on something in your post and that is there are no more consequences that come along with being pregnant out of wedlock. People drop a kid and go on living like they were before...and that's a problem.
@ Belle - What's the old saying: "Momma's Baby, Daddy's Maybe"? I agree with the above posted that mentioned the obvious gender biases that come along with rearing a child. This subject has been on my mind since I read a posting on Necole B. last week. She received several letters after using the term Baby Momma/Baby Daddy to describe Erykah Badu and The D.O.C.'s ‘situation’. People were upset with her for calling Erykah a BM and as much as I love Ms. Badu, I couldn't help but think, "Well, that is what she is."
Anyways, the letter had a basic point which was when we call each other Baby Momma/Baby Daddy, we cheapen the actual relationship that was there. Two people did share love for one another at some point and calling each other BM/BD just makes it seem like it was a one night stand in which a “mistake” was produced. I personally believe that we have let this term dictate our patterns in relationships because we as a culture have deemed it okay to be just a BM/BD. No one strives to be in a relationship anymore.