Scared Straight
Sunday, May 31, 2009 at 10:10PM
I know you’re smart enough to ask your sexual partners about HIV, but are you asking them about Herpes too?
Approximately 40% of African-American adults have the virus that causes genital herpes, according to the CDC. That’s A LOT of people. And just so you know, having genital herpes can double the risk of contracting HIV—that’s also from the CDC.
Like with HIV, you must do more than ask a dude about his status. You have to make him get tested (and presented with the option of no sex or getting tested, any halfway sane man will opt for the inconvenience of getting tested. And if he doesn’t want to get tested, STAY AWAY while you wonder what he knows he has or what he’s afraid to find out about.) You’ve got a significant enough chance of avoiding HIV if you use a condom... but with herpes? Not so much. It can spread through skin-to-skin contact, even when your partner doesn’t have an outbreak through a process called “shedding.” (Look it up.)
So you MUST ask your partner to get tested specifically for herpes. (It’s not included on the general STI test.)
I edited a story recently about an anonymous man who I’d met though work. He’d kept in contact with me for about a year, calling every now and again to shoot the proverbial sh*t. Occasionally, I’d run into him out and about in Brooklyn. Nice guy. One day, he leaves a voicemail for me at work saying he has a story idea. Eh… I hear that a lot. And usually “hey, I have an idea!” is followed by the idea. He didn’t clue me in though.
I took my time about calling him back. Thankfully, he was persistent and called me again. What he told me that day resulted in an article called, “Gambling With Herpes,” which was well-written by Anslem Samuel (aka Naked With Socks On.)
An excerpt:
Ten years ago, after having unprotected sex… I was diagnosed with herpes. And I only told two women about it out of the 20 I went on to sleep with.
From the time I was diagnosed in 1998, I only used condoms half of the time… No one ever asked me to get tested for herpes… I never admitted that I had it to women I was in relationships with. I thought about confessing, but I never had the courage. I feared being rejected by someone I cared about.
(Full article in the June issue of ESSENCE)
And if you think his story is one in a million, you’re wrong. Lying (by omission) about herpes is surprisingly common.
Another story I’ve come across recently:
I have had the H for about two years. I live in a city where there are plenty of fly sisters and the industry that I am in allows me to meet them daily— which leads me to my point: I have chosen not to disclose my status to them knowing that I could potentially give them something that will change their life forever like it has changed mine. I too have been allowed to not use a condom and felt like sh*t the moment after, knowing that I was in the wrong.
— no age given
And it’s not just men who chose not to tell anyone. I know a few people with herpes. I’ll give no identifying details other than to say everyone I know who has it, caught it in college, or before. I don’t have to be a doctor to tell you that colleges are a breeding ground for disease (for many reasons), especially if you live on campus. I know for a fact that each of the women I know has infected at least one other person. (I don’t know about who, if any of the guys have too.)
I got an unlikely call once from a woman who had her first outbreak and was borderline suicidal by the time she got ahold of me. (She was a friend of a friend and I’ve always been the chick that people confess to whether I know them well or not.) She felt dirty— there’s a serious stigma about STIs in general, but it’s worse for herpes; she was in pain (everything I’ve read says the first outbreak is the worst); and she thought no one decent would want her (ie, her life was ruined.) I didn’t know what to tell her other than go to a doctor and get drugs, which she did. Of course, she had sex after that, and I wasn’t in the bedroom with her, but she wasn’t telling everyone she had it. (I know a man she infected.)
A couple other stories I’ve come across about women with herpes (all identifying details have been removed):
“I was diagnosed with genital herpes when I was 19 years old. I went on to have sex with other partners without telling them that I had the disease. Since the diagnosis, I have gotten married, had a vaginal birth with my kids and I haven't had another outbreak. I still haven't had the courage to tell my husband of 4 years that I have this disease. I recently found out that 5 of my closest friends have this disease and we are all under the age of 25.”
— 23
“I was diagnosed in the summer of 2006. This wasn’t supposed to happen to me! I didn’t have unprotected sex, I just allowed him to rub his manhood on my raw before he put on a condom. [The guy who gave it to me] became extremely defensive when asked if he had ever had a STD, and denied he gave me everything. I was later told by some of his frat brothers, he had given herpes to 3 girls on his own campus. [After I found out], I was sexually inactive for 3 months. Because I am the “It” girl on my campus and popular in my college town, I decided not to tell any of my sexual partners, which include NFL players, doctors, famous rappers, producers, singers, other students, and regular 9 to 5 average Joes. I hope to find someone to accept me for who I am and not what I have, but how can I when I'm afraid to tell?
— 23
“I was infected by the guy I am currently with. I’ve wanted to leave this relationship many times, but the first thing that comes to my mind is "who is going to want to be with me with this disease?" So I have stayed and continued to deal with his cheating and lying for six years. Now, we have a three- year- old son.”
— 24
“I got herpes when I was 16. I had so many boyfriends that I don't know who how gave this crap to me either. I met my husband at 17 and we started having sex. I knew I had it, but I was so scared of rejection that I didn’t tell him. (That and the feeling was so good without protection that I never thought about infecting him.) Two years into our relationship, he caught it too. We were together for 11 years now and he’s never forgiven me. I lived in an unhappy marriage for about 5 years just because of guilt and my son. I felt like I had to stay in an unhappy marriage and just be satisfied because I gave him herpes and he stayed with me. (We’re now separated.) I have a “friend” now and I really like him. He treats me so good. And I feel like I can never tell him. Two of my girlfriends know and they told me to wait to tell the guy until I know for sure he’s gonna be in my life and by then he'll be in love. I have so much to offer and I really want to know from men how would they deal with a woman with herpes. Would they stay or walk away?” — 28
“I have no clue as to who it came from. I was diagnosed in 2004 and since then I refrain from sex, for the most part. Before my diagnosis, I wasn't big on sex anyway. I had my 3 month rule and required a STI test before sex, not knowing that herpes doesn't show up on the general STD/STI test. Now, I tell anyone than I’m involved with before it gets to sex of any sort... is it wrong that I wait that long to tell? I have been blessed with folk that are precautious, but still want to pursue me. Even with them being willing, I find any reason to push them away eventually. I always have an inkling that they can do so much better.”
— 24
I don’t condone anyone not telling their partners. NOT AT ALL. But I understand. Think about it: if the person you were dating right now confessed they had herpes, would you stay?
A couple of you said, “yes.”
A few more thought, “eh…" And leaned toward ‘no.’
Most of you just said “hell no!” to your screen.
You figure you must trust someone enough to tell them you have a disease. And then that person automatically loses interest or puts you in a friend box? (ie, rejects you.)
Two guys I know were recently informed within the last year by women they were dating— and really liked— that they had herpes. This happened before they had sex. They both respected the honesty, but immediately stopped pursuing her as a potential love interest. That's gotta hurt.
I say all this to ultimately say exactly what the anonymous man who shared his story with Anslem and I said:
A lot of men are going to hate me for admitting this, but women can’t rely on us to be up-front when it comes to disclosing our sexually transmitted infections.
Guys, you can’t count on women either.
Everybody: Don’t just wrap it up. GET TESTED!
Discuss.
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Reader Comments (31)
Shew...I'm speechless.
That's scary...like really scary
It has a lot to due with timing.
Ironically one of my mental checklist for a potential wife is will I still love her if she had AIDS... so H shouldn't bother me if the love is right
I was one of the people saying, "hello no!" to the screen when you asked the question "would you stay?" I work in the medical field and have heard the stats on herpes many many times...1 in 5 people...20 percent. SHOCKING!! That means that herpes isn't rare at all as your post verifies. I know 3 women (close friends) who have it...one who contracted it thru a "OMG I never do this"...one night stand, and the 2 others from their partners/BF at the time. None were in college when it happened, rather mid to late-20s. All have the same apprehension (of when to share this info) when they begin dating a new guy. All DO tell men before they are physical with them, but not right away. I feel for them, especially now that we all are in our 30s and want to meet Mr. Right, settle down and have babies. All have told me stories of the rejection they have experienced time after time (I cant be mad at the ones who say, no thanks). Yet I am always surprised by how many men each of them have encountered that are willing to have sex WITHOUT protection even once they have shared their status. SCARY!!!!
We've spent so much time worrying about HIV/AIDS that the other 30-odd STIs, especially herpes, have gotten lost in the shuffle. Educated people, even those of us who get regular STI tests, have no idea that herpes is a completely separate screening that one must ask for specifically. I didn't until the 1st of my 3 friends found out she had it and told me. Changed my life as if I had it too!! I think how lucky I was to never have gotten any STIs (although I wasn't all that innocent or smart back in the day); I thank God for not teaching me that lesson the hard way.
Thanks Belle for sharing this!
timely topic and this seriously never gets old, we need to be more educated.
also slightly off-topic, Belle have you read this recent article on abcnews?
"Pulling Out' Method Gets New Respect"
Study Says Withdrawal is 'Better Than Nothing,' But Women React in 'Sheer Disbelief'
forgot to post link
http://abcnews.go.com/Health/Economy/story?id=7688558&page=1
Dana: yes! I've started a new page on here called "Sex in the News." It's posted there.
I can't get on board with this study. I know it's scientific and all but I've been warned about the potency of "pre-cum" for years. It's gonna take a lot more than one study to get me to go condom-less unless I'm actively trying to get preggers.
Personally, if knowing whether or not someone is infected with something is VERY important to you, that is something you should find out BEFORE emotions get involved AND BEFORE you start having sex. If these things are revealed early on, the feeling of rejection would be totally understandable and both individuals can move on to someone more compatible for them.
I know some people might be saying to themselves that "it isn't that easy" but once they are infected with something, I am sure they'll be saying "it would have been as easy as...".
Men and women ask SO many other "personal" things when getting to know one another that this shouldn't be erased from the list of things to ask because we all of a sudden think it's too personal. If you can freely talk about sex with another adult, then you can ask them about their sexual history and if there are any diseases you should know about.
Great post.
I have a HUGE fear of contracting herpes, because there is a such a stigma around it. I'm sure I know someone with the disease, but no one in my circle has divulged that info to me. I'm sure if I was them, I wouldn't tell anyone except someone I was interested in being intimate with.
Great post and its definitely thought provoking. Its so true that we are always concerned about HIV testing that we seem to neglect the other concerns about STD. Reading this article was disheartening but it is definitely giving some awareness to this situation. Whats so incredibly sad and scary is that infected people refuse to communicate about their disease and willingly pass it onto their partners. That is such a thoughtless and selfish response. Casual sex is definitely a thing of the past. Its time to get to know your partners and take test together before having sex with them.
Great post. I am actually infected with herpes and I know 4 females who have it. We are all professional women who contracted the disease in our late 20s. Since my diagnosis, I have disclosed to two men. (I abstained from sex for two years) One man was cool with it because he dated a girl that had it. The other guy initially lied to me about having it until I forced him to get tested. That's when he confesssed. His plan was to sleep with me and tell me later. This was his routine pratice. He said he was embarassed and never disclosed until after he slept with the women. He said after finding out, some women were ok with it and others were angry. He felt like if he got rejected at least he had sex with them.
Just for a perspective on this other than the "my life's forever changed! no one will ever want me!" line. A friend of mine contracted herpes from a shady boyfriend several years ago. After getting over the initial shock, she decided to just step out on faith and move on with her life without shame and with honesty.
She's gone on to have several relationships with good dudes, and she's been honest with each and every one of them well before sleeping with them. And each, after giving it some thought, continued dating, and eventually moving into a sexual relationship with her (it doesn't hurt that she's cute, successful, and an all around cool ass chick). She has always practiced safe sex, and no one's ever contracted herpes from her.
Her life hasn't been very much changed at all, from what I can see. And she can also live without the guilt of knowing she lied to her partners.
Her story's definitely been a lesson for me about being super vigilant about protecting myself from STDs. But also about having the courage to do the right thing even when the right thing is the most difficult.
Damn...Shit is real out here. With all this being said, I think I'm gonna just go ahead and marry my girl who was a virgin before we became sexually active :) To the others, stay strong. If the community is as large as the numbers indicate, I'm sure you'll find someone who has a similar experience with herpes and you guys could be real with each other and end up together. It's definitely no the end of the world.
And let's not forget that not everyone knows they are infected. Everyone doesn't have a massive outbreak every 5 minutes, it is dormant in some people. They can go years without anything and get only a small outbreak that can mimic a ingrown hair or something. Also, cold sores on the mouth are herpes too!
When a friend told me one of her friends had contracted herpes, we had such judgemental responses, like "How could you do that..." (what didn't help, and wasn't fair for us to "consider" as we discussed this, was that her friend had a promiscuous history). Finding that out, though, prompted me to do a little bit more research on herpes and the infection rates. I was SHOCKED to learn how prevelant it is.
I can think of a few things in my life that maybe I should mention to a potential partner that might be embarassing, so I can sort of sympathize with not wanting to tell that for fear of rejection, but the buck has to stop with someone. It's time for us to stop being defensive when we're asked to get tested, time for us to stop being scared to ask someone else to get tested but above all else we have to not be scared to get tested ourselves. Not knowing doesn't make it go away...
Oh and I was MOST disturbed by the quote from the woman who's husband still doesn't know she has it after 4 years of marriage and a child. The longer she waits, the harder it'll be to tell -- that's always the case. OH GOSH.
About the efficacy of the pull-out strategy:
"Two of my kids were conceived with this method"
My Spelman Sister. (She's married)
lmao @ Brandon St. Randy's comment. Yeah my best friend in high school has a 3 year old via this method lol
Yes cold sores are herpes too. But don't scare ppl. lol. It's a different strain of the herpes virus and not STD related.
@ Deja. cold sores are STD related. The herpes strain that causes cold sores is Herpes Simplex 1 and it can be transmitted sexually to your partner's genitals during oral sex. For those who didn't know. yes, you can contract herpes during oral.
@ Chameleon & Deja
Yes, the point is not at all to scare people, just inform. I didn't know the details for a long time. You can get it without having intercourse. Herpes is bad & annoying, but it won't kill you.
@Deja
I know a girl who has Hepres Simplex 1 in her lady parts because someone who had virus performed oral sex on her.
That's the part of this that's REALLY scary...a LOT of people have herpes simplex 1..if they perform oral sex on you you can get herpes.
Cold sores are typically caused by herpes simplexy virus type 1. Genetial herpes on the other hand is usaully caused by a different strand herpses simplex virus 2.
It is possible to transfer the different viursus to other areas of the body. HSVI (COLD SORES) can be transferred to the genitals through oral sex. In the same way HSV2 (GENITAL HERPES) can be transferred to the mouth.
What i was speaking of and what i should have explained was of common cold sores of the HSVI variety of which 80% of americans enounter some time in their life do to low immune system triggered by things like pregnancy, menstration cycle, stress, etc. That is NOT STD related.
I am not talking about HSV2 (Genetital herpes) on the mouth.
Hope that clears some of the confusion up. Sorry.
sorry for all the typos. I typed that fast. BTW I found most if this information online. check one of my sources http://herpes-coldsores.com/cold_sores.htm#Are_Cold_Sores_really_Herpes
Sadly, it does not surprise me at all that people lie (whether by ommission or outright). The most shocking of these testomonials is the woman that has not shared it with her husband after 4 yrs of marriage and a child between them. I cant even imagine the hurt and anger he will feel when he does find out. I just hope he doesnt find out b/c he has it and thinks his wife is cheating on him...meanwhile she's had herpes all along and lying to him. How can someone build a marraige on lies...he deserves to know for many reasons, especially for his own health.
We cannot leave the onus on our partners to tell us about their sexual history and STI status, we MUST discuss STIs and get tested before anything sexual happens with someone, not after we have contracted something and our lives are forever changed! Not even kissing is safe anymore!!!!!!! :(
@Deja
No i whink we understood you. Herpes Simplex 1 is not STD related in that it is not an STD but you can pass it on...i.e. the lady I spoke about above who now gets cold sores in her lady parts....and while it made not HSV2 it can still put a serious damper on the love life and you still have to explain how you got it so the stigma is still there.