30 Things You Should Know By 30 (part I)
Monday, July 13, 2009 at 11:43AM If you've been reading long enough, you know every year on my birthday, I make a list of things you should know by whatever age I'm turning. I didn't do it this year because... well, I turned 30 and I had other things wanted to talk about.
So here's the first 15. I'll post the rest (from my beachside cabana) tomorrow.
*Know that if he is The One, he would be The One. When it works, it's pretty simple with only minor hiccups, ie. it works. When you're forcing it? It's not working. Stop and look for the Next One (this goes in every list because no matter how many times I write it, I get emails from women wondering what to do with a man who clearly isn't interested.)
*Love is a verb. Having the emotion means absolutely nothing if it's not followed through with action.
*Complaining about Black men will not make them somehow better. It will only make you bitter. The good guys outnumber the assholes. Go find them.
*Stop with the whole he has to approach me thing. If you see a man you think is interesting, just walk up and say hi. You don't have to ask for his number. He will if he's interested. You're not to prized to speak first, and starting a conversation won't kill you— not even if you get rejected.
*If you're single and don't want to be, pay attention to who's around you. You're probably overlooking a great guy.
*If you're single and can't find your type, go looking for it. There is nothing wrong with being proactive about what you want. You do it in every other aspect of your life, so why not here?
*Look at your va-jay-jay often enough to be able to spot it in a line-up. You can't know if everything's okay, if you don't take a look, so look. Often.
*Angry does not equal strong, it equals angry. You don't have to be an angry Black woman to be a strong Black woman.
*Good men make bad mistakes. That said, there's a difference between a moral failing and a mistake. Forgive mistakes. Get rid of moral failures.
*Every man isn't out to get you or do you dirty. Keep your eyes open, put your defenses down until you see for sure they need to be up. Try to give the benefit of the doubt.
*If the sex is bad, you're probably bad too. It's not all on him. You can say, "I like it like this..." If you can't vocalize what you want to him, you shouldn't be having sex with him.
*If you're always complaining that n*gg*s ain't shit, ask yourself what's wrong with you that you keep attracting ain't sh*t n*gg*s. (Cue Katt Williams.)
*People can forget what you do, they never forget how you made them feel (cue Maya Angelou)
*Treat people with the understanding you would like to receive. You're not perfect. Neither is anyone else.
*Write your own eulogy. Yes, I know it's morbid. But it's important to know how you want to be remembered and live accordingly. Keep in mind that your family and friends won't recall your professional accolades only that you were a good wife, mother, sister, aunt, etc. Only Joe Jackson would think of the number of albums MJ sold. Everybody else in the family is remembering a son, father, brother, and friend.
— B.
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Reader Comments (21)
*Know that if he is The One, he would be The One. When it works, it's pretty simple with only minor hiccups, ie. it works. When you're forcing it? It's not working. Stop and look for the Next One (this goes in every list because no matter how many times I write it, I get emails from women wondering what to do with a man who clearly isn't interested.)
*Love is a verb. Having the emotion means absolutely nothing if it's not followed through with action.
I started figuring this out a few years ago and while I still make mistakes every now and then, I can say that sentiments like these are what I keep foremost in my mind and navigating through dating has never been easier. Even as a teen I never believed that relationships should be as difficult as a lot of people make them and I'm glad that at 28, I still think that way. The moment I feel like it's being forced, I know it's time to cut it loose because it's just drama waiting to happen. I'd rather be single and at peace than be bitter in an emotionally draining relationship. Dating is crazy these days but I know that eventually, I'll meet someone that's I'm truly compatible with and I just try to have fun along the way!
My bestie recommended that I read your your blog last Sept because she felt like my dating stories mirrored many of yours, lol. I've been reading it daily ever since! Great post.
*Stop with the whole he has to approach me thing. If you see a man you think is interesting, just walk up and say hi. You don't have to ask for his number. He will if he's interested. You're not to prized to speak first, and starting a conversation won't kill you— not even if you get rejected.
Posting from my cubicle...
These 15 are so dead on. And I like this one a lot; done it more than once and it works sometimes and sometimes it doesn't, no big deal.
BTW, saw your TV one episode last night...you better work! How cute were you doing your thing. I completely agree with your comments on the Kerry Washington part, very good job.
Congrats on the show! I caught it last night.
SO mad I missed you on TVOne! Damn! Hopefully they'll show it again?
Also this....*Good men make bad mistakes. That said, there's a difference between a moral failing and a mistake. Forgive mistakes. Get rid of moral failures. ..
Yes yes yes! I am going to memorize this since it highlights my current situation. Two years of lying aint a mistake, its a lifestyle.
Hope you're having a great Vacay!
Great list Belle.
I figured out a lot of relationship/man-related ones over the past couple of years, and I feel lucky that I did finally get it.
Enjoy your vaca!
Love the list, especially the part about not putting your defenses up until you are sure there is a reason to do so. And happy belated birthday! :-)
I LOVE this list! I have a few years til 30 - I'm going to memorize this.
My favorites:
*Love is a verb,
*People can forget what you do, they never forget how you made them feel.
Very comforting. Thank you <3
I am bitter, and I admit it. I'm in the process of getting over myself and the jerks in my past! Thank you for the post.
DOPE list!
"*Angry does not equal strong, it equals angry. You don't have to be an angry Black woman to be a strong Black woman."
-oh the irony, i'm writing something about this now. Please, women listen to what she is saying.
oh and "*Good men make bad mistakes. That said, there's a difference between a moral failing and a mistake. Forgive mistakes. Get rid of moral failures. "
-i live by something similar to this, my quote goes 'Love is forgiving mistakes, not condoning habits'
Great post! It's funny you mention the obit part because my 11th grade English teacher had us write our obituaries. At first, we were like, huh? But it allowed us to think ahead. I think I still have it in a box somewhere...
I am turning thirty in two years and still have much too learn...I love the list and I am going to try hard and follow it....*Love is a verb...and *Good men make bad mistakes. That said, there's a difference between a moral failing and a mistake. Forgive mistakes. Get rid of moral failures. soo true!!! You are great Miss Belle. Hope you are having a ball!!!
*Know that if he is The One, he would be The One. When it works, it's pretty simple with only minor hiccups, ie. it works. When you're forcing it? It's not working. Stop and look for the Next One...
*Love is a verb. Having the emotion means absolutely nothing if it's not followed through with action.
I was nodding my head fiercely as I read these first two. I don't know exactly when the light bulb went on for me, but it was definitely by my 30th bday...and I met my husband that same year!! I spent almost half of my 20s forcing a square peg into a round hole when it came to men. A painful break up led to my a-ha moment...I took a little time to myself to just chill and let the lesson sink in...by the time my husband came along I was a new person. It continues to be the easiest, most natural and in love I've EVER been after almost 4 years together.
*Angry does not equal strong, it equals angry. You don't have to be an angry Black woman to be a strong Black woman.
I wish I could get some of my female friends to understand that point. It's amazing how many people think that going off at the drop of a dime makes them the stronger party...no hunny it's whats keeping you single.
A lil salty i missed ur show but hopefully they'll repeat it..enjoy ur vacay :-)
*Looks in on chick talk. Sees women talking. Nods head in approval. Heads to man room to play Madden or build something.*
Could you post a link from your tv one show pleaseee!
Great list!!! I'm definitely taking notes as someone who has recently become single!! I need to get out there and be more proactive, but its been so long...I don't even know how to flirt any more...definitely food for thought anyways...
I remember when Debbie Allen was on Oprah years ago. I must have been in undergrad. She stood on stage and pretended there was a mirror- or maybe there was one there I forget. Anyway, she said stand in front of it naked and learn to love what you see. She then said to grab a handheld mirror pop it between your legs and look at her. If you can't stand to look at it, he surely won't. LOL!!!! From that moment on I've been checking her out. Va-jay jays aren't the cutest things but I can surely spot mine in a line up.... lol. And a god Brazilian helps with the aesthetics. Try it, you won't be sorry. Neither will he! ;-)
*good Brazilian not god Brazilian....
Crap! I checked on the Saturday before in the listings but didn't see it and promptly forgot the next day. UGH!!! I'll have to see if they re-air it.
Kudos. And welcome to the 30s.