Reading this post I immediately thought about a concept from one of my favorite books "The Four Agreements". The author talks about how everyone has made "agreements" or things that they've been told that they buy into. And we as Black women have made the agreement that we can't trust each other, we have to compete with each other for the 2 "good" Black men left, that there is no sisterhood, etc.

The author also talks about making 4 new agreements, the second being "don't take anything personally". What people say to us its really a reflection of how they feel about us, its a reflection of how they feel about themselves. So when women look me up and down, or critique my hair/clothes/pedigree/education/etc, I know its really not about me, its about them needing to feel better because they feel small, low, inadequate in their own lives.

That one agreement made such a difference in my life when I finally got it. I was able to let go of that anger & frustration I felt towards other Black women who I felt judged me unfairly.

Hey, y'all.

@Belle: GREAT post. I'm going to suggest to all my friends to stop through & check this out. I do think that getting black women to this point is possible but it's something that we ALL must be willing to do. Initially it'll take a conscious effot but hopefully it'll become natural & we're able to do it without even thinking about it.

No, of course you aren't the only sometimes hater. I do it too sometimes (as far as the head to toe critiques go. I'm married so definitely NOT the flirting with or sleeping with someone else's man..lol). Although I have been guilty of doing this, I usually find myself doing it with celebrities on TV & in magazines. Sometimes I'll say "Why did she have to ruin such a nice outfit with that hairstyle or that nail polish color?"

"So when women look me up and down, or critique my hair/clothes/pedigree/education/etc, I know its really not about me, its about them needing to feel better because they feel small, low, inadequate in their own lives."

@Jubilance: Great point. I'm very curious about this book & may check it out from the library or see if it's available at Half Price Books. I do believe that sisterhood still exists, it's just cliquish. There is a sisterhood in each of our individual inner circles & groups of friends but not a general sisterhood among all women...I'm not sure why this is but I believe the things discussed in this blogpost contribute to this lack of sisterhood among all black women.

Excuse my misspelling...I meant a "conscious EFFORT". ;-)

This is a practice by ALL women of ALL Income brackets. From Park Ave to Kingston Jamaica. Granted this article was in Essence Magazine and asked about Black women, but we are not unique. As I tell my guy friends women dress for other women(which they find odd). I mean no straight guy is going to care or know if your red sole is the real thing, he may notice if you had hammer toes, and chances are he has a foot fetish and that is what he looks at first .

The only woman who did not have that issue was EVE when she was hoppin around that Garden..but I bet when she got kicked out it was on...she was looked up and down..ladies whispering that fig pattern is so yesterday...

When I am trying ti get into the size 6, yeah guys are going to enjoy the vision, but they would if I was a size 10. The size 6 is that nod to the sistas..yeah I did it...so what.

Good post and yes I feel we're all guilty of it sometimes. Like Jubilance stated I do believe it's a manifestation of our own insecurities. We feel we have to constantly measure up to other women that too many times we're side-eyeing instead of congratulating. When we realize the inherent beauty and worth we have in ourselves the temptation to silently tear each other down.

Lately, I've just been noticing how many fabulous black women there are and instead of tearing them down or trying to compete with them; I've been honing in on what makes them great and trying to incorporate a little of that into my own life. I have a co-worker that dresses her ass off, is intelligent, and makes BOMB financial decisions (something I'm definitely lacking in). We've become friends and we learn from each other, it's really awesome. All of my friends and acquaintances are all awesome in their own right and I like to think we bring out the best in each other and allowing each other to shine we can more easily allow others to shine as well with out feeling some kind of way about them.

I've never honestly understood Black women who SPECIFICALLY targeted other Black women to "hate" on. If I had something to say about someone, it has been solely based on something that has come out of their own mouth or what they are projecting on to me. Ethnicity has NEVER played a part in me feeling someone was stank. I do feel that some women exude this unwarranted air of superiority like their shat don't stink and then this is when you get this specific targeting. While I have various differences about my physical person that stand out, I was raised to treat others as I would want to be treated and to NEVER herald myself as being better than someone else because of any differences I might have. Some people weren't taught that or developed this unwarranted air over the years based on their own insecurities and thinking too highly of themselves.

I deal with everyone on an individual basis so until I can personally assess that you are TRULY stank, I more than likely won't label anyone as such; Black or not.

I'm a subscriber to Essence--so I feel qualified to respond too...lol...Belle is on and poppin..How is it THIS sista didn't get nominated or become a finalist for the 2009 Black WeBlog awards? Don't blame it on me--I'm new up in here.....lmao...I second Erica’s comments bcuz I think we all recognize this issue is encountered by women of all ethnic and socio-economical backgrounds, but it's good to hear sistas trying to do something to change it: That's what's different and that's why I'm always gonna be with ONE sista.....My Black queens always tryin to do better and be better for themselves and the community. And IMO, you just gotta LOVE that in ya......And yeah, Erica, size 6 is cool...but a healthy 10 is what a lot of brotha's are tryin to work with.......

Agreed Belle. We ALL have been guilty of the black woman 10-second analysis. Instinct, perhaps? White women do it too but they are MUCH quicker to give compliments and make small talk. Black women, eh? Not so much. And yes, it is MUCH more of a NY thing any anywhere else I've been. NY women have a tendency to be so cruel. Ugh!

In the spirit of living a easier stress free life, I do the nice thing now. I don't do it to be phony, I do it because that is who I really am. Being mean or seeming mean to mask who I really am takes much more effort that it's worth. I smile and say hello. If I love her shoes or her hair I tell her. Why not? Why keep a nice compliment inside? I've realized that my one nice thing may be just what that sister needs to make her day better. The unexpected reaction is priceless. The smile I give to the white folks is usually returned by the same. And when I'm out socializing, I'm nice to my fellow sisters. Black women ARE NICE people. We just put this wall up as a defense mechanism to combat the expected attitude of the next black women. But it does not have to be that way. A positive, happy spirit is contagious. I met a couple of sisters the other night who said to me 'It is SO nice to meet a nice black woman'. I said thanks but we should not praise one another for being kind to each other; it should just be.

There are of course people who are just miserable with life. They will be who they are. But generally speaking this mask that black women live behind of 'once you get to know me, I'm so sweet' or 'I can't show them I'm nice until later' enables so many of the stereotypes of the 'angry black woman'. If who you are is sweet and kind- not negating your confident swag or ability to be a powerhouse- then be her all the time. I find nothing more awesome than meeting a 'powerful' black woman who is genuinely kind with a sweet spirit. She smiles and speaks to you. This walking around with your nose in the air is not cute anymore. And hey, black women, black men like nice women. They are much kinder when we are nice. Try it. :-)

I don't think this is a black woman thing. It's a woman thing PERIOD.

I've been eyeballed by women of all class, color, and creed. It doesn't offend me. It's a human nature trait to compare and contrast.

And I'm not an envious kind of chick so I don't find myself hating. I do me and I applaud those who do them.

Getting black women to that place is possible. It will require us to be honest about our insecurities which leads us to overcompensate and compete with other women to be "the cutest, flyest, etc." in the first place. From this place of truth we can discover who we are and be cool with that and not feel the need to compete. I USED to be that girl that tried to do my best, buy designer bags to distinguish myself from the comministas, living in a certain neighborhood for the impression ppl would have of me. Every decision I made was to overcompensate for my own "perceived" deficiencies: from the law school I chose to the career path, to the guys I dated and car I drove. But what i realized was that there is always gonna be someone cuter than me and with a bigger butt and smaller waist, and smarter than me. It was exhausting, so I gave up. In giving up, I recognized all of my natural assets and play them up instead and I walk my UNIQUE path. I don't work a job just because it looks great on my resume. I do what makes me happy. So when I see sisters, I never have the ice grill, give compliments freely, and am surrounded by a very diverse group of female friends. What I know for sure is that there isn't another Koren, and I am authentically confident in that.

We don't need to be best friends, walk arm-in-arm, skip down the street, brush each other's hair and finish each others' sentences so why are you behaving as though, just because I walked up to your desk, spoke to you on the street, or complimented you, that I want more from you than standard common courtesy and respect?

Sisters refuse to smile. Refuse eye contact. Refuse interaction with each other even when the relationship is business in nature. What's with automatically throwing up brick walls left and right just because you don't "like" or "vibe" with me instantly? It's really only a limited interaction anyway...you can be cordial and still maintain your autonomy.

There is a certain park I go to where everyone (all races and genders) smiles and speaks. A five mile trail. There is a certain subset of BFs (usually hoodrattish, regardless how nicely they are dressed) who give you a dirty look when you speak.

It's not just choosing not to speak. You can tell their whole self-image is caught up in making someone else feel something with a look. It's just too extra. This is not all BW, or even most. Just a certain subset.

Nasty manners reveal a lot about a person. I'm glad to know. I treat that behavior as if they said, "Hi, I am miserable and don't have home training. We would not get along. Better for you to keep it moving."

I’ve spent way too much time staring at the crown or part in some poor woman’s head trying to figure out if her long hair is real. Same goes for looking at the underside of a woman’s shoe to tell whether or not her Louboutin’s are authentic Same goes for whether her Louis is from a shelf on 57th & 5th or a back room on Canal Street.

Are you serious????

LOL.

I dunno. Maybe I'm an exception. I was always the girl making friends with the underdog (the one who would often get bullied and treated unfairly by what some would call the "mean girls" or "popular girls")

I was also always someone part of a popular group, from high school on. I could tread both sides of the fence and see how both sides interact and react to things--esp. female peers.

But some of this stuff is very subjective. It's like popular to who??? Popularity for WHAT???

As an adult, my goal is to care about things that will ultimately enhance my situation.

Why do we, as GROWN black women, even CARE about this stuff --- hating on the next because of how she look/what she wears/who she's dating/what job she has/etc.?

It's def. not a good look. Confidence and being secure in oneself allows you to not only NOT hate on other black women but to LOVE the greatness in every one of them.

I feel like this: When SHE shines, I shine. If she's shining, and we can be on the same team or do something FOR ONE ANOTHER, we all WIN.

To be insecure enough to be worried about whether someone's hair is real or whether their shoes are authentic, as a GROWN WOMAN, is simply ridiculous. I'm more concerned about whether I'M presenting the best version OF ME, not about the next girl's weave or what she's wearing.

Girl, I'd say it centers on self love and confidence first. When you love YOURSELF, you don't have tiime to worry about what another woman is doing/wearing/eating/dating.

Also, let's be conscious of what I'll call the reverse hater phenomenon. There are some women out there with such a large chip on their shoulder and who are so high and mighty, that when they walk in ANY room, they come into the situation with the idea "This chick is gonna hate or IS hating on me" when really that might not be the case. The situation is doomed from the door because a female who often is victim of this "phenomenon" won't even look INWARD to find out whether it's just her insecurities, and NOT, in fact, other's "hating on her."

Just my THREE CENTS on the matter.

Much luv and many blessings diva!!!!

Cosign with Daydreamer.

I try not to look people up and down because I know its rude, but i'm just VERY into fashion. I like to people watch and observe various looks. if I'm feeling it, I definitely give compliments--hair, purse, shoes blouse, if I like it I'm letting you know! if I'm not, I say nothing....most of the time. I have been guilty of being out with my friends and doing the "wtf is she wearing?" and yeah, that's bad....

I agree that sisterhood still exists, I also agree that when people put down others its their own insecurity SOMETIMES, but other times what you're viewing is just out of order/ridiculous/ugly. of course that's up to interpretation and opinion. We all could take the time to live by the "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all" though. so I'm working on that.

I stopped the vicious cycle (for myself anyway) a couple of years ago. I always smile and make eye contact, and if I think something is standing out, I will compliment or inquire about it. For me I think it has always been a sort of nervous twitch because I was always so short/small, LSLH and younger than the rest of my peers so other women would either "mother" me or give me the hot, hate-filled glares. I used to be extremely self-conscious walking into a crowded situation because of those looks that you can feel, as Belle said. But it is totally true when you take the time to smile and acknowledge another black woman, oftentimes it catches them off guard and they offer a hesitant smile back. So many of us walk out with our guard UP all the way. I like the feeling I get being open to others and when someone is open to me.

honestly, i think its just in a women's nature to hate on another....i never understand why tho...

Belle,
This is so on the money that I want to know when are you going to create the link to allow us to share your blog on Faceboo??!! I would really like to share this with my sistahfriends but don't necessarily want to e-mail it to them. The WORLD needs to read your blog. Your topics are relevant and your writing is superb.

I am guilty of the 2 minute assessment of other women. Every now and then I catch myself and try to smile at other women. I'm from NY but have been living in Atlanta for the last 2 years. I definitely find the 'mean mug' to be more common up north. When I first moved down here, I went to a club and this girl approached me on a heterosexual note to compliment me of my appearance. I was taken back as I have NEVER been complimented by a random women in NY. Women are nicer in the South and it has encouraged me to smile more often and bridge the gap to create more friendships. A smile goes a long way with men AND women.

Hmm...I think we have all been guilty of this on some level. I've never been as harsh with it as some people I've known but even on the small things I notice, I still check myself sometimes. I can't not notice if the hair coming out of your scalp is brown and the ponytail attached to the back of your head is jet black. It's right there. lol. I can't help but notice if your outfit is ill fitting or if you are cursing out the woman standing next to because you thought she was eyeing you but was really trying to see the sign behind your head.

But I'm not going to stare, make faces or talk loudly or on the slick about you on the street. Now, will I think thoughts to myself? Yes. But I keep it inside and keep it moving because you're going to do you, regardless. And I make it a point to acknowledge the good things I see in ANY woman because I know how that one small thing that someone says can make your day. I will stop a sista or any chick on the street or next to me in line to say "I like your hair/nails/outfit/shoes" or whatever.

I guess the only time I really have conversations in my head about what women are wearing or how they are behaving is more out of the fact that I believe you should present your best self and act accordingly in public. Especially because, fairly or not, we are being watched and judged not only by each other but by other races and you KNOW there are many who are looking for an excuse to shout it from the rooftops about how uneducated/crazy/ghetto we are. And on top of that I'm from the south and that throws a whole 'nother etiquette ball into the game.

We all have our moments and we are not perfect. No matter how good you think you are or think you've never participated in this type of behavior, there are different degrees to it and yes you probably have in some way. I think you just have to start small, i.e. remarking on or congratulating a sista who is doing her thing and just try to learn from her instead of pushing her down.Because guess what? When you're holding someone down, you're down there with them. But if you help someone out, or learn the lessons that they have to teach you, y'all can both get there together and look fly while doing it.

Looks in. Realizes this is a chick topic. Tiptoes out and looks for beer.

I will admit I have been guilty of assessing someone with just one look, but I'm working on that. I realize that it stems from me having self-esteem issues. When I'm sure of myself, then I don't need to put down someone else to feel better. I agree with Hasina on the notion of speaking and smiling at others, even complete strangers. I do that anyway, but it amazes me how some folks will give you the stone face and keep it moving without responding at all! I hate that I seem to get the stare down the worst when I go to a local salon. I have to walk towards the back to reach the station of the lady who does my eyebrows - and I feel like I'm walking the plank. So much for a nurturing environment!

Great post, Belle! I am guilty of the head to toe look & I try to stop myself. I really do because I hate when it is done to me! I am working on it though. One thing I have never had a problem with is giving a compliment. If you look nice then I will tell you. If you get promoted, congratulations! We all love to hear praise in some form. I have always spoken to people but I try not to get irritated when people won't speak back. I'm STILL working with that one! LOL. As black women, we do need to work on being kinder to each other and to ourselves. As a mother, I want my daughter to be free of those hang-ups so I must make a conscious effort to do better.

I'm a Southerner who was raised to acknowledge (the "eye hello") other black people when you saw them on the street. All of the polite nods hello stopped right around the time I hit puberty.

I think it would be beautiful if black women would respectfully acknowledge one another upon sight. To be honest, I sometimes find myself holding back from being friendly sometimes because I'm not sure how my greetings will be received. I am also guilty of judging other women when I see them and generating stereotypes about them based upon my (unfair) perceptions. You hate to do it because you hate for it to be done to you. I feel like this is something that really needs to be discussed among large groups of black women...smile, be supportive. Every woman is not out to get you or secretly plotting on your man. Being friendly won't hurt you. Hell, you might even make a new friend.

Hey Belle!
One of my readers left a link to your FABULOUS post in an article I wrote on my blog The Fashion Bomb here:
http://fashionbombdaily.com/2009/08/real-talk-a-note-about-comments/

A bit of a backstory: I started something called 'Fashion Bombshell of the Day" where I allowed my (mostly African-American) readers to submit pictures of their personal definitions of style. To make it fun, I made it into a weekly competition for Fashion Bombshell of the Week (with no prizes involved, but I digress).
This seemingly innocent feature and competition quickly turned from celebratory to down right nasty. Midwestern fashionista hopefuls who took pix of their Beyonce inspired jackets and liquid leggings (that they drove 45 minutes to buy) were told that everything from their hair, to their face, to their aspirations to style were inadequate. In one post the comments got so bad that a reader e-mailed me personally saying, "Is there anyway you can either delete that post about me or the comments. I love your blog and dont want to be reminded of the things people said everytime i visit." I had to oblige her...ish is deep!
I thought it would be so fun to feature my readers, but I ultimately had to turn the comments section off JUST FOR THOSE POSTS because of the amount of venom spewed at unassuming black women who simply felt they were fly enough to send in a pic.
This short experience was mind boggling, but it did affirm that there's something that we dislike about each other--fiercely. And while you may have just sensed it at a party, anonymous readers let it all hang out when they had the protection of a computer screen.
As sad as it is, I try to do my part by continuing to uplift, and literally silencing the hate.
As I said in my post, "save all that foolywang for somewhere else."

"anonymous readers let it all hang out when they had the protection of a computer screen. " —Claire

so so true. people type things they would NEVER say. read any YBF.com post about a celeb, they GO IN about everything. Sad that you had to turn it off for your fashion bombistas. that sounds like a dope idea.

@a male

it's not in our nature. we're nurtured that way.

I'm still learning, but I remember girls would hate on each other since pre-school while the boys would ride tough together. It seems like they are nurtured into that activity because its in their nature at a young age. I think they bring others down to bring themselves up...which doesn't happen in actually because its really just an illusion. You don't better no one by bringing down the status quo....now i'm rambling...sorry haha