Belle cue up Wu. could it be it was all so simple then?!?..hells no. I am fit than a mugg and in the same boat as far as being single. I"m a size 4/5 hit the gym 3/4 times a week weights and cardio LMAO its not as simple as weight.
Even if that whole 42% of unmarried black women were comprised of women my size and smaller. men would still outnumber us. FIT Men I find attractive personally are scarce or gay/bi LMAO but thats whole nother conversation LOL.
Being fit should be about health first and foremant, physically and mentally, not about finding a man

Being a FAT woman myself (i'm not afraid of the F word) I can honestly say that the percentage of men who like large women is really slim. And out of that small percentage that do enjoy a large woman half are not up to standard (i'll leave that for your own interpretation). With that being said...a quality relationship is not IMPOSSIBLE just because you may be a size 22 (or larger). Yes, it's a bit more difficult to find & maintain but there are men out there who love BIG BLACK WOMEN. The notion that I have to go to the gym & get fit JUST to catch a man and keep him sickens me. If i am going to lose weight, it's because my own doctor said that I needed to or because I'm ready to make a change in my life, but not because I'm trying to keep "Tommy" from leaving me. Tommy can go to hell for all that. But that's just me personally...

Belle, I think its disengenuous and maybe a bit naive to believe that you will still be just as attractive to someone if you are overweight. (BTW, I am overweight, so this isnt coming from some skinny, bubble head gym rat.) I think there are many ways that SOME women can be more forgiving in the looks department than SOME men, but if we are really honest about it, we want a partner that we are attracted to as well.

I think the measure of how good your relationship is (or can be) is what happens AFTER you significant other tells you that they have a problem being sexually attracted to you because you have gained weight. If they continue to badger, pester or demean you, THAT'S when you throw the dueces. If they talk to you why you have gained weight (i.e. your example of being an emotional eater, much like I am), and try to find ways to support and encourage you on your journey of taking care of yourself and developing new or better ways to cope, THAT'S a person you want to keep around. I had a boyfriend once who, much like the author, told me my weight was affecting our sex life. After I sobbed for about 2 days and could be more objective I realized that a. I appreciated that when we committed to communicating about everything, our "everything" didn't just mean the stuff that was fun or easy or what the other wanted to hear. And b. that he was the kind of man who would support me in bettering myself. He taught me how to cook healthier, helped me find exercises that I enjoyed, and still told me sincerely that I was beautiful, never once tearing me down or criticizing such a sensitive issue. The knee jerk reaction is throwing the dueces; the grown up reaction is discecting the truth from the hurt, and relying on a willing partner to be strong for you where you are weak.

Sorry for blogging in your comments, lol

If someone is going to lose weight, they should do it for their own health and not for another human being. Even if a woman loses weight to attract more men, there's still something that some men won't like about her. Either she doesn't smile enough, too light/dark, not big enough in all the right places, etc. My point is that people are attracted to various physical attributes and finding someone who loves your curves and love handles might be harder but its not impossible. Losing weight won't make someone like the rest of you.

P.S. I hope that those men who want someone fit are fit themselves...

Bubble head tho o_O..... LOL.. anyway the lesson is to not let yourself go, after you have found Mr.Right, keep it tight, tighter still, and never get that comfy where stop giving a dayum about your appearance!
We all have preferences nothing wrong with that, but its just as hard out here for fit folks as it is for not so fit folks!

And although we should all be working out to stay healthy, would you consider hitting the gym to get, or keep, a man?

i give a vague yes to that answer. i think most women CONSIDER losing weight to get a man. even those who want overall health and fitness have something laced beneath that... even if it's minuscule and deeply beneath the service. i would argue that almost everything we do is somehow about the end goal of finding love. even on the bitter black women post, it all boiled down to (in the comments at least) being happy because it makes you more attractive to men/potential mates. good jobs, good house, great clothes... lead to happiness and contentment for people and that happiness and contentment is framed as good bait for a mate. i just think it scares people into a place of feeling pathetic or weak to admit that. it's like commenters who co-sign BS and degrade women because they think it makes them look more attractive and anti-bitter. *sigh* the aforementioned takes an innocent quest for love to a dark and pathetic place though. it isn't always a bad thing.

Ouch, right? If you're like me, the knee-jerk reaction is to tell her to throw deuces and bounce. I mean, a man who loves you is supposed to love all of you, right? And like, if he's balking at weight, how will he ever handle something really mega like "for worse" (sickness, laid off, parents die) if you even ever to get to the altar?

Women need to accept that love and sexual attraction aren't synonymous.

And yes weight is a big factor - a BIG factor. We have to be honest with ourselves on that one. i have an ex who's wife was 25olbs if she was a lb on their wedding (for the record he is a GREAT dude, above average attractiveness and quite successful) and she's even bigger now - BUT she was big when they met so thee was no expectation of her being slim.

However if you marry someone who is a size 10 and she becomes a size 14 then I can see how that might 'cause problems sexually. For the record I know personally if I met and married man who was extra fit and then he put on 25+ pounds we'd have a problem in the sex department. It's not a love issue, but it definitely is an attraction issue.

My personally feeling is that being fit (notice I didn't say skinny) should be a priority for everyone. And as the above poster said - you can find a man heavier but it sis harder to do so.

I read a lot but don't comment but this subject is near and dear to me. I am overweight. I am a solid curvy size 18. I am not in denial that I need to lose some weight for my own health. I am sure that there have been men that have passed me up because of my size, despite my pretty face and sparkling wit. LOL!! I have been told by a man I was in relationship that I'd gained weight and he was no longer attracted to me (said as we were breaking up mind you and I left him). So I don't deny that for men, who are inherently more visual, that how a woman looks physically plays into their attraction factor.

But I would posit that it's more complicated that that, though. I'm fluffy, but I stayed having dates. Maybe I tried harder to be more open because of my size, maybe its because I live in Texas where men are a bit more tolerant of the size issue, maybe because I have a naturally good attitude about things (at least for the most part, I do have my moments). I don't know the exact reasons but I'm getting married in September 2010, to that mythical unicorn: a black man with a degree and no kids. I'm extremely blessed in that regard. And I'm not the only fat chick I know that's getting chose. Permanently.

But I still want to lose 30 pounds though. :)

I'm a faithful reader and this is my 1st time actually posting a response.

1st off, Belle I had the pleasure of meeting you at the Lock and Key Event earlier this month (you encouraged me to get up and mingle with the fellas,lol) and I was a bit starstruck as you are literary celebrity for me. The way you carry yourself is amazing. Now, I did not see what that fella saw who e-mailed you about your body and your "stomach down". I thought you had a nice "shape" and were actually "small".

I've had guys tell me they don't date women under 165lbs and they like a more fuller woman. I've also heard the sentiments expressed in your post. I myself do workout pretty consistently, and I do encourage my friends to get into some sort of routine. But not for the sake of attracting a man or keeping one. Health is important to me and I do not want to be obese as I have some family members who are. I do not think it's cute that one can't walk to the corner store w/o being out of breath. I never want to be that woman.

I do not agree with the BMI measurements and things of that nature. I'm close to 5'9 and athletic. I suppose I appear slim to others, as I've been told that it looks like I weigh about 135 and I'm faaaar from that. According to the BMI...I am overweight and should weigh around 145lbs. With my buttocks and hips, I don't see how that will ever be a reality in this life time, without me looking very sick.

It's enough to drive you crazy.

I think we should focus on being in the best health possible for our heights, body frames, and ethnicities.

I also find it funny that most of these brothers with "weight" requirements aren't in the best of shape themselves.

We'd be fooling ourselves to think weight isn't an issue. I'd even venture the hypothesis that when comparing overweight women in terms of "dateability" race wouldn't make that much of a difference.

That being said, I agree with PeachySun. We should be getting healthy for ourselves and not for anyone else. Reality is many of us probably won't (either get healthy, or do it because we know we should). A healthy way of living is so much more easy to keep up when it's just something you do for yourself rather than something you do for someone else (because people come and go, but you always have you...)

We encourage each other to put our best selves out each day. Make sure your hair is right, your wardrobe is tight and that you exude a generally cheery demeanor, but we never talk about the weight aspect of all that...

And what THD said, Women need to accept that love and sexual attraction aren't synonymous. is true as well.

I feel like that's a good explanation of my view and so there won't be any confusing what I'm about to say...

Our society has a real skewed understanding of what is and isn't healthy and fit. There are too many girls out here starving themselves to achieve a body that genetically they're not supposed to have.

No, we're not supposed to be fat but many of us aren't going to be rail thin, size 2, either.

It's not just women with the skewed vision either. Some men don't understand that concept and it can lead to crying-till-you're-dehydrated-puffy-eyes-the-next-day. Some folks are guilty of using euphemisms like "fit" and "works out every day" when what they mean is "skinny"

This post is reminding me of the characters in "Why Did I Get Married" played by Jill Scott and Lanman Rucker and the scene where Lanman Rucker's character offers to work out with Jill Scott's character. A nice gesture on his end, I thought...

This is a touchy subject...Women, relationships, and weight. I understand the different opinions. Some say stay in shape to get and then KEEP a man, but as a public health professional obesity is a HUGE issue among minorities that is attributed to a host of other factors (SES, access to healthy alternatives, diet and nutrition education, behavioral/cultural norms etc) that people dont fully understand. On the flip side just like women desire a mate that is physcially attractive what's so bad about a man wanting a "fit" women? Like my pastor told me, if you're going to advertise you might as well work on the billboard! If you are single and overweight you have to be honest and realize the take me as I am facade is played. Sadly most men are only attracted to what they see and women are attracted to what they see AND hear. But that's just my opinion :)

As a fat woman, I've always had access to quality men. If a man is attracted to you, you can be as overweight as all outdoors and he will still be attracted to you. On the otherhand, if a man is "justnotthatinto you", you can be built like Buffy the Body and it still ain't happening. He will make excuses about why you can't be together (I don't like muscular women, I only date women with green tails and yellow ears, I only date women 'fro
Canada, etc.). He will give you every excuse in the book.
Whether or not there is truth to this theory depends on the man, woman, and geographic location. As Tiffany said, in the South, men tend to think differently. Here, big girls usually have a large pick of quality men to choose from. JMO

I have mixed emotions about this...

On one hand, we as Black women do have an overall issue with our weight. So many of us are overweight or obese & don't see anything wrong with it. Its easy to think you're "ok" when you're the smallest person in your group or family, or when everyone else is big like you. When I go to the gym or yoga class, I'm often the only Black woman in there, or one of a few. We have all kinds of reasons for why we don't take our weight & health more seriously.

On the other hand, I don't think being a size 2 is the answer either. I was just reading an article today, about a study that says that a curvy woman can have the same effect on a man as a beer. Throughout history, men have been attracted to women with a shape that signals she is strong, healthy and can bear healthy children, and that shape isn't the waif.

I've had my own struggles with my weight, and I do think I've missed on some guys because of it. But then again, there haven't been many times when I've sat at home wishing for my phone to ring. I know that I want to get healthier & smaller for myself, not to get a man.

I may end up being the bad guy here, but throw me on that list of guys that aren't attracted to fat women. Hell, throw me on the top of that b****. I also don't hide my lack of attraction behind some quasi-sympathetic "Well, I'm worried about her health" rhetoric. I just really like a flat stomach. It's pretty much the core of attractiveness to me when we're talking about what gets my interest up from a body standpoint. Yes, I like big bewbs and a fatty out back, but if it's accompanied by some dunlap, I'm out. I don't know why this is the case, it just is. It may be because I come from a fit family: On my father's side, all the men were athletes and even in his 80's, my Grandfather is slim and muscular. My mother's also fit, and she still plays tennis regularly and takes a daily walk without fail. She's also a royal fattist. I think she wrote Southwest a letter of thanks for not letting Kevin Smith on that flight because he was too big. So maybe my lack of attraction isn't just instinctual, but learned as well. I'm also not really that sympathetic to weight issues, partly because I have a good metabolism, but also partly because I don't think it's that hard to be fit. I know people who are busier than busy who still make time for physical activity. A lot of them also say they couldn't put in the hours at work they do if they didn't do something active to relieve strength and build endurance.

Either way, for the guys I know, it's pretty much the same story. out of an extended circle of friends, I can think of two or three male friends who are attracted to larger women. For the rest of us, it just ain't happening. I recognize how hurtful this must be to a lot of women, but if there's an upside, I think it's that there's an opportunity to change one's level of fitness. It's not like being short is for a guy. And I think we as men, especially those that enjoy physical activity, have the obligation to help our partners and female friends, not just belittle them. You can take your woman to the gym, show her how to do squats to build that butt, and go running with her in the evenings. These can be fun activities that further build up the relationship, instead of nagging and pointing fingers which just causes emotional distress. But I also think women have to be ready to deal with the hard truth, and not look at it as an indictment of who they are, rather, an opportunity to change something which clearly benefits them.

Just my two cents, y'all can flay me if you want to.

This is GREAT Belle!! Interesting and honest..I have been on both sides of the scale. I know what it is like to be thick and fit in all the right spots. I also know what it is like to be FAT. Its like I lived two different lives socially. Regarding men, the thick me with the tiny tummy was adored by men! and women just wanted to be around her or hook her up with all their male friends. The FAT me lead a vastly different life with men being my best friends and wanting me to hook them up with all my friends. Fat me found it easier to date Caribbean or older men due to the fact that the fat tends to age my appearance and caribbean men really love heavier women. These relationships did not last I was filling a void. I spoke to many of my male "best friends" and have learned that MEN are visual creatures and want things are in a tight shiny package! They often think fat women are lazy, not flexible enough for sex and unattractive. Men also like a woman they can show off like she is an extension of their dick. I find this to be true with most men NOT ALL men. There are men who do like fat women they are just harder to find an get to. Growing up, being fit or going to the gym was not a cornerstone of success for black women. We were not in gyms or Jenny Craig. Recently I have started working out and watching what I put in my mouth!! Its a eye opening experience being honest with yourself and wanting more. I am proud when I see brown young girls in the gym! Not so they can attract a man but the fact that health is a reachable goal that they have put into action. I am currently in a relationship with a man who was also fat *something I thought I would NEVER DO!* But I am happy to say he is the love of my life!! And we workout together, ride bikes together, take walks and cook healthy together we also have AMAZING FLEXIBLE SEX TOGETHER!!!!
Oh and regarding successful fit women ALL my female friends are just that!!! Working out for them is like putting on underwear its necessary for them!! And most of them are single! Men where are you at???

This an excellent topic. Long time lurker...

I am married now but I still work out at least 5 times a week. I also try to eat healthy. I am a size 4/6. Soooo many men that I see at the gym and in everyday life say to me "you need to talk to your sistahs about working out and taking care of themselves too." My personal trainer says the same thing happens to her as well. Why aren't we at the gym, the park, the track etc? I mostly see women of other races.

I even have had some of my male friends tell me that some women get upset with them when they tell them that they do not want a woman over a certain size. Specifically, one guy told me that a lady blamed society for coming up with a size standard unfair to black women. Black women were smaller in the past than they are now so that answer was just bunk...

I know that all Americans are getting heavier but black women lead the pack unfortunately.

Also, I have friends who have totally let themselves gain 20, 30 and as much as 50lbs over the last few years. The weight gain is not from health problems. This needs to stop.

Not saying black women could or should be the same small size but what about a healthy you that works out? Also, shouldn't we want to do better for ourselves? We go get our nails, hair etc done; what about taking an hour several days a week to go running, walking etc? It is not that hard. It is mostly mental.

I don't have a perspective that yields any solution to the problem.

We have a weight problem, that's fact.

But we also have an unrealistic obsession with the appearance of women's bodies.

Hear me out.

I've, personally, always been careful to try to avoid the guy who goes on about how "visual" men are and how fit a woman needs to be.

Why?

Well because I always knew I wanted children.

And... my gosh... well let's just say you can't predict the ways your body will change and what will be effected.

So on one hand, I say to black women, we need to be healthy, but on the other hand, we have to become a culture that celebrates realistic images of women's bodies. And realistic isn't about obesity. It's like when Glamour shot a real woman in the nude

http://venusvision.com/letter-to-glamour-about-the-girl-on-p-194/

Because you (categorically speaking, not addressing anyone personally) can get fit, right, and attract that kinda guy. But will he react negatively about your stretch marks or saggy boobs? I mean, be careful about where this goes because of how far it can go.

Otherwise, you'll be obsessed, under the knife or laser, buying every cream known to man, getting injections, etc.

All I'm saying is Belle, you're very pretty and you're incredibly well put together. So if a guy looks at you and says "you can't get a man because you're fat", that's likely to be the same guy saying he can't get hard because you have stretch marks. Or that maybe you should get a breast lift.

I've always been, EXTREMELY CAREFUL to avoid that guy. The funny part is they really aren't aware of what they say when they say it.

I'm not trying to shift the conversation away from fat. But I just want to point out that SOME MEN who are really particular about things like that are particular about ALL physical attributes and will cause PURE HELL as you change. Their view of how women should look is tainted by media bombarded images of airbrushed bodies, and even the "enlightened" ones don't like to admit it.

Do you remember when outtakes from Usher's ex-wife's Essence photoshoot were "allegedly" leaked?

Or this link I posted earlier

http://venusvision.com/letter-to-glamour-about-the-girl-on-p-194/

Litmus test!

Seriously, though. If a guy is like oh that ish is nasty. You know what time it is.

As women WE have a responsibility to NOT cosign that bull. But I find that as long as we fit the beauty standard, we have no problem perpetuating it. We only get upset when we're excluded.

I'm about realistic achievable standards all the way around. Health, beauty, fitness and realism.

Oh, forgot to mention, I read the little letter old due sent to Jamilah, and that was really a bitch move on dude's part. Like seriously, how do you hide behind some cloak of anonymity and try to tear someone down for no reason. Y'all definitely have a right to be mad about that crap.

aladyinDC. has that garanteed you a good man tho, thats moreso the question this topic posed?
My trainer and myself have had the same discussions but this isn't just about why are so many black women overweight or absent from the gym/working out. at least thats what I thought.

My relationship with my weight is quite personal. I'm not overweight, I've been fortunate enough not to have gain too much weight over the years but I do, however, still feel like I need to lose about 14lbs. Since being with my current bf I've gained about 9/10lbs and he is loving the extra weight! But I don't like it and I've told him as much. So now I do my best to reduce portion sizes, eat healthly and exercise. He says that he notices that I rub my tummy when I get dressed in the morning, but that's because it really bothers me. It is totally my issue, I own it and he doesn't seem to be bothered.

In regards to answering your question, my weight has never been a concern in "getting a man" or "keeping a man". Controlling weight gain has always been more about MY self esteem, health and generally feeling good about myself.

gauranteed, need an edit feature here LOL

@ Brandon St. Randy

I actually can agree with you on your post. If you live a certain lifestyle, of course you want someone who is "cut from the same cloth" so to speak. I do not find fat men attractive and will probably never date one because he won't understand why I practically NEED to run everyday..how it makes me feel good. He won't want to come play volleyball or hoops with me. Or join in on my trips paintballing or snowboarding. I mean for me, its just unacceptable,lol

On another note, I know that some people are naturally...bigger than others. But what I can not comprehend is how a woman who used to be a size 4, now wears a size 18. At what point do you say "enough is enough"?

I agree with Miss understood about being careful with men who are anal and EXTRA critical about weight etc, that could also be an early warning sign of control issues.

Great post! As the person who recieved the nasty email, I'll admit that I have mixed feelings about my reaction to it. You see, while it would NOT have been okay for that message to have been sent to big women....you and I aren't fat! Period! I'm a big girl (tall, broad shoulders and not at all skinny) compared to a lot of folks. But for him to make us sound like sloppy greedy soul food addicts (I also don't eat meat, so much irony in him citing po'k as our downfall) was insane. I also resent that he assumed that because we are single, we aren't active daters. AND to imply that only svelte/modelesque figures are pulling men. As your stats point out, most EVERYONE would be single if that were the case. Both of my sisters are heavier than I am (and beautiful and confident, thanks) and one is engaged, the other is married. And they weren't "perfect" 6's when their happy, healthy relationships started!

I do, however, think that weight should be something Black women give more attention to and not just to pull some loser like the one who emailed me. We are killing ourselves with diabetes and heart disease. And while studies intially lauded overweight Black women and girls for having better self image than overweight White women, feeling cute is worth little if you aren't taking good care of your body.

I was once a size 18 with disordered eating and cripplingly bad self-esteem related to my body. I felt unattractive to men and I do know that there are brothers who didn't date me because I was big. To be honest, I did start eating healthy and working out because I was sick of being passed over by the brothers I wanted. I wish I could say "I did it for my health", but that isn't the case. Most men do want a woman who takes care of herself and for many men, weight is a factor. I also want the same thing from my dates and since health is now such a big part of my life, I don't want a man around who encourages me to skip workouts and eat poorly. What I DO have a huge issue with are these men who look like they are in their 3rd trimester talking bad about a woman's body. Not that I think brothers who live and breathe the gym have the right to be nasty to bigger women, but they have a little more leeway to say "I want a woman who's committed to health like I am".

@Orangestar

I think that based on what my male friends tell me (b/c I am not out looking and I am not single) that the ratio of fit women is low once you get to a certain age. I think that being in shape helps attract a man but will not keep him if you do not have a good personality. When guy friends ask me to hook them up, weight to height proportionate is always a requirement as well as a good personality. Of course, men who want longterm relationships have other requirements too. Nothing is certain but I do believe that being fit helps...