Yes. You absolutely do have to be tough to be taken seriously. Buuuut you shouldn't forget your humanity and I think that's where people lose themselves. Please and thank you goes a long way and if you don't forget that, people will be compelled to move faster for you because they respect you and may even like you, despite your tough as nails approach. It makes everyone's job easier and more pleasant when there is a mutual respect from the big boss to the janitor to the intern. Demanding excellence should not be confused with bitchiness.

Forgive me for sounding like a bitch on this comment, but THAT IS ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT. I too have worked in a cut-throat industry, the music industry, for almost five years and I REFUSE to be a bitch. It irritates me to hear people coach someone on how to be rude to get things done urgently. There's just a difference between being nice and a push over. Being bitch makes me feel awful deep inside. To glare at someone or catch attitude or use words like "now" and "you betta" or "or else," I mean honestly do people believe that's how you're going to get shit done? The person who sends me the email like that should a) be ready to receive my wrath in return and b) EXPECT the job not to get done AT ALL speaking to anyone that way.

And yeah, they're might not be a lot of successful women who are unrecognized because they're nice. But they exist! I don't want to fall into the label our society gives me: In order to get to the top you have to be nasty agressive. Why? I hope to be the first to say "Hey, ya know what...I didn't have to act that way and maybe you don't have to take that approach either." Certainly, there's a time and place to be agressive, but I NEVER want to embrace being a "bitch." What's cool about that? There's nothing naive about not being a bitch. Get creative about ways people can get things done for you rather than yelling or staring somebody down with the evil eye. I had a boss who was a bitch and I quit. To this day I think she's evil. I pride myself on smiling often, giving compliments and praise where do, building good relationships before I need them so I can get those urgent favors when I need them, and treating people fairly.

Nope. I speak and walk softly...but I carry a big stick.

I think being successful in any industry is based on being firm about what you want and refusing to doubt yourself. People can basically sniff out any insecurity and they will question your authority if you don't say it with confidence.

I definitely agree...I just entered into my career and am learning a large amount of things all at once. One thing that seems to be consistent is the "bitch" approach to getting what you want, which ironically is being used/taught to me by another Black woman at my job. It's still a hard concept for me to pick up and be able to use at work...but will work on it if it is to determine my success. Im also the one who use the words please, and ask questions in emails rather than give demands. Maybe its my youth and ignorance and feeling that I have no right to talk to anyone like this who have been here longer than i have and seems to have more experience. Any advice ladies???? or gentleman????

If a man had written that e-mail would he have said "please," "I would appreciate" or "As humanely possible?"

Women Bitches = Assertive Men.

Don't have to be nasty but you do have to be direct - and a direct woman = bitch for many.

Yes, Belle all credit to you for recommending that book. I think it the last time it was mentioned was in the Ask Belle series: on Careers. Since reading Frankel's book my reaction and perception at work has changed drastically and I get more praise and am more respected because I know how to "talk the talk." Easy read and something for every woman to have on their self to pick back up and read every few months.

I just refuse to believe this whole concept of being a bitch to get things done or to be successful. Does one have to be stern? Yes. Do you have to let people know that you have a backbone and won't be walked over, mistreated or taken advantage of w/o your consent? Definitely. Do you need to be capable of summoning some level of straight up - "I will knock the piss out of you if you don't get this shit done!"? Of Course! But do you have to be a bitch to express these characteristics? No. Will people call you a bitch regardless - strong chance : / . However, there is nothing to be gained in terms of self-respect by actively not treating people with the same respect you seem to be demanding. A request can have the same gravity within the confines of a perfectly coiffed email and being actively bitchy is simply an angry or insecure person's way of exerting control over others to maintain some semblance of control over herself. So no, I'm not buying that. It's bull. I've been on both sides and have had substantially more success in my short life being the "sweet but she don't take no mess" version of myself. You can be nice without being a punk. And you can get things done without being a bitch. NO CONFUSION NECESSARY, STAY TRUE TO YOU! That's success to me.

Being bitchy gets you what you want, but only as long as you're in a position of authority. People are less likely to do favors for you. Women become bitchy because they mis-translate male effectiveness. When men are assertive and effective (usually) they are just factual and to the point, usually don't yell or raise their voices they are just very direct and firm. Sometimes when women translate that, they turn it into yelling and demanding. Women have distinct advantages at our disposal but all to often we don't use them.

@ Belle...."any woman who is unsure about how to conduct themselves at work should read Lois Frankel's "Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office: 101 Unconscious Mistakes Women Make That Sabotage Their Careers."

I bought this book from Marshalls for like less than $15 and have kept it on my coffe table for reference while I'm building my career. Ladies...its a good book to refer to!

@ Frantzie...."Certainly, there's a time and place to be agressive, but I NEVER want to embrace being a "bitch."

I'm in sync with Frantzie. I hate to say it but as Black women we already get sterotyped as "Nitches" (no-typo) so why go around being one when it is SOOO unecessary. However, if the time requires which it never fails that it does, you might have to pull out your mean side and get the service needed but it will be done in a classy and fair manner. But I must admit, only for my closest friends girl do I call them "Nitches" (like how Toni from Girlfriends use the term).

- A.D.

No, it is not necessary to be a bitch to be taken seriously. One time one of my bosses, who was trying to be assertive tried to say that it was mandatory that I come in to work on my day off and he was very rude about it. Of course I said no because the way he came about "asking" me. However, if he came at me more respectful, then I probably would've covered that shift. Now that is coming from a male boss. Had it been a female asking me in that rude manner I would have taken it more offensive because we women already have to fight for respect in the work place so we really need to at least show it to each other. Again, i'm all for being assertive sticking to your guns so you can get the job done but manners are a must. Male or Female.

I think it's necessary to be assertive but not a bitch.

Well first I think you have to understand that being called a "bitch" in business, especially if you are in a cut throat, male dominated field (like I am) more often than not does not mean you are actually being a bitch by laymen's terms; more often than not it just means that you are being EXACTLY the assertive, no nonsense professional that many men get to enjoy being WITHOUT being called names. Anyone who has ever works with me knows I am awarm, personable, funny and I can talk to anyone about anything; they also know it would be in their best interest to not cross me or get in my way or otherwise impede my work ethic. You HAVE to be assertive to be taken seriously.

However, that does NOT give you license to be nasty. EVER. Nastiness may work temporarily because people are scared of you but it is no way to set yourself up for long term success because you will alienate your support. Being intimidating doesn't make you a leader; it makes you a bully. Being a leader is what makes you a leader.

Being polite is not a weakness; I get more perks, more people bending over backwards for me than any person in my office and I have been here half as long. And I didn't have to sacrifice my manners or my message to get that.

We need to be confident and assertive while being respectful of others. In the sector where I work (mostly male dominated/wall street) being super nice at your own expense (i.e. being a pushover) will not get you anywhere.

I have found that building relationships and being respectful (notice I did not write "nice") will get you further than being "bitchy". Being firm about what you need does not mean you have to be rude.

In the midst of all Courtura's boss told her is a point worth heeding - the words we use are very important. Some of the best constructive feedback I have received during my career is from my male managers with respect to the words I use in various situations (whether dealing with upper management, people who need to get you what you need to do your job, presentations, etc). This is very helpful advice when you begin to manage.

Don't be afraid to say what you need/want in a respectful tone.

leadership requires a leader and a ship. if you behave in a way that makes your ship abandon you, you're floating in the sea alone.

Wow, everyone's response are very intriguing. Its funny how "bitchy-ness" is mentioned way more often than "assertiveness". There is big differences between being a bitch and being assertive yet for some reason many people confuse the two. I think that bitchy women (and men for that matter) are assertive but assertive women are not always bitchy; which is probably where the confusion arises.
The important point is not to be bitchy perse, but to assert yourself and speak with authority and certainty. Saying 'please' and/or 'thank you' are very important and should never be looked at as the 'wrong' things to say in any cut-thoat industry. I believe that some people are too nice and maybe, just maybe Courtura, you were a little too nice in your email. I think that a simple please and thank you and a genuine feel of "i appreciate what are you are doing for me" are enough niceities to get by. Anything extra risks taking away from your asseriveness.
So I say all this to say, acting like a bitch makes you a 'bitch' and NOBODY like a 'bitch' (but a lot of people like to catch 'bitches' in quiet parking lots at night...not a good look :)

mz.jonezy

I definitely think that for women working in various careers/industries it is imperative to be assertive. However, oftentimes assertiveness is taken out of context (by your audience) or rather taken entirely too far coming off as borderline or completely bitchy. In corporate America especially, which is undoubtedly a male dominated arena, women struggle with the idea of being considered "weak" to their counterparts , taken advantage of, not taken seriously, and the list goes on. Therefore, as a result we tend to create a "bitch" persona in order to alleviate our own anxieties, insecurites and realities. However, much like every alteration we undergo it eventually takes on a life of it's own, becoming larger than us, and thus the bitch is born. the bigger issue I think is that there is ambiguity in the term "bitch" and it is subjective in nature. What one would consider to be a "bitch-like" characteristics under one circumstance, someone else may find it merely as an exercise in assertion. As far as the boss spoken about in this posting, she is just plain ol' mean (simplistic I know lol). I can see where she was coming from however, in that she has perfected her bull bucking and duppy conquering ways (Jamaican terms) in order to always get what she wants when she wants it and now feels the need to share her knowledge with others. However, using intimidation/ being a bitch at all times can get you but so far in your career, and even less when it trickles into your personal life (cue Merly Streep's broken home in Devil Wears Prada... A MESS). I think finding a happy medium is the best bet, and for each individual that comes from experience. Don't let someone tell you who to be, when who you are got you where you are.

Thanks Belle for running my post on your amazing blog, what an honor!

I agree with mz.jonezy. I was too nice in my email, and in general.

While I worked at The Magazine, I applauded myself for being my boss’ polar opposite. I got along with most of the people at the job because I was kind and friendly, while she was ridiculed and feared. I even spent time coddling people after my boss argued with them, so that we could move on with business as usual. But my kindness wasn’t exactly beneficial to me.

When I left, I realize that most people interpreted it as a weakness. I made some friends at that job who I hold dear to me (Belle is one) that valued my kindness and we were closer because of it. But most folks took advantage. They manipulated me into doing their work, blamed me for their mistakes, etc. because they perceived me as a pushover.

In my new position as a manager, I see how a firm (not mean) demeanor is essential to being a respected leader. You can’t get ahead trying to be everybody’s friend, which was the lesson I learned. Achieving a balance between nice and nasty is ideal.

My boss at the time, and several others since, found it easier to bully people than to earn their respect. And mz.jonezy, the same way people confuse bitchiness and assertiveness, they confuse respect and fear. If you intimidate someone, they won't respect you, they'll resent you. It's not conducive to getting the job done, and really is a sign of weakness and insecurity on the part of the boss, or bully.

With all due respect, I feel my boss had it wrong. But then again, I did too.

Women don't need to be bitches to be successful. That is a fallacy. I think that you just need to be assertive. You need to know when to say no. Oprah isn't a bitch and she is very successful. Women in fashion are bitchy because fashion in general is very materialistic and most of the people who work in it are as well.

I always say there's a way to speak to people and it's unfortunate that not enough people with power understand that.

Coutura is so right -- people confuse fear for respect. Fear is a short-term thing, but respect has people seeking you out, later, just so they can help you. I've learned, though, that many people don't care about all that. They just want you to do what they're telling you to do, right now.

That balance is key for longevity. People who manage others through fear find themselves always in a corner and seemingly always without someone to trust. It's stressful, I think.

It's not necessary to be a bitch. It's important to be poignant and assertive, to let someone know that there's no two ways about what you're saying/requesting/asking but that can be done with the right tone and diction.

A former boss is an unofficial mentor for me. I would almost pay to work for him, wherever he is. I can remember hearing people say that about people they knew/former boses and thinking it was such a ridiculous statement, but now I understand. It's hard to find people to work for that respect you and your work half as much as they ought to and when you find the ones who do, you WANT to work for them and thus, the work you put out is better.

My degree is in Human and Organizational Development and the way people "do" organizing/people management is something of great interest to me. I'm always watching the way it happens and noting the difference in output between all types.

I don't think you have to be a BITCH to get your point across. I believe in being assertive and making your opinions known but, you don't have to be unsavory to ppl for them to understand you. Sometimes when you're a BITCH to ppl they see you as being non-empathetic or non-sympathetic and when something goes wrong with you, others will not be sympathetic or empathetic to you. Be assertive but BITCHdom isn't necessary!

Being a bitch is not required for success.

Some women experience difficulties because they go from one extreme to the other, nice to bitchy. Once they realize being nice does not produce the desired outcome, they venture to the dark side.

If the objective is to be respected being nasty will be a short term gain with possible long term consequences. A reputation of being a bitch will precede you.

Being a bitch is only effective with people who require your approval. Everyone else is going to hold you up out of spite.

I know successful women who are effective without being a bitch. (They do exist)

Being rude and disrespectful makes you a bitch NOT being direct and taking charge. Women are always expected to coddle and be responsible for other peoples feelings and I am soooo tired of that.

PS Kelly is actually a very sweet, kind woman who looks out for her people. She is just one of those women who is direct and takes charge. Can't wait to read her book...

Isn't the saying "you catch more flies with honey than vinegar?"

People are more likely to do something for you when you treat them the way you want to be treated. Lighting a fire under someone's ass, who works for you, might be effective now and then, but if that person isn't on your payroll, think twice (and even if that person is on your payroll, you never know when you're in a position where the most unlikely of people can help you out).

Also, I don't know if I agree that men who are rude are seen as assertive. I work at a law firm in midtown, and the attornies/partners who are jerks. . . we all talk about them being jerks.

I have no doubt that being a bytch CAN lead a woman to great success in the workplace, but it tends to rob you of that which makes women uniquely different from men. And more often than not, you become the type of person, who, when they die, all ppl have to say is Hallmark type of shyt. You're not a pleasure to be around, and you tend to only attract ppl who want to use you for one thing or another. Some think bytchiness is something one can easily turn off and on, but my observations have been that it remains with you constantly, despite your best intentions and efforts. Success yes, but at what price? For some the price will be worth it, but I have concluded if it's worth obtaining, you might as well do it right and in a manner that your folks can be proud of. And I agree with Misunderstood, IF you go the bytch route, people are less likely to do you any favors and will NOT throw you a life raft if they EVER see you drowning. You'll be the type of person people LOVE to see taken down a NOTCH. It really isn't pretty when you think deeply about it..........AND the example the fashionista gave provides a good example. The Tommy rep, had you pushed and been more aggressive like you boss wanted could have pushed back and said something like: We at the Tommy brand are not lacking publicity...and for real, Tommy is rumored to not really be all that happy with your ppl wearing his ISH anyways! now What! rofl...