Brooklyn's Finest
Tuesday, March 16, 2010 at 12:41AM "There are people in the world who have the power to change our values. Have you ever been with a girl who made you want to quit the rest of your life? Did you ever say, "I want to quit my life and just f*ckin' snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to f*ck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep f*cking you."
—John Mayer on Jessica Simpson, Playboy
The profoundness (pause. Is that a word?) of this comment got lost in all the hysteria of John Mayer's Playboy interview in which he also claimed his penis was a white supremacist, used the N-word (which I didn't object to in context) and put Jessica Simpson's cho-cha on a pedestal. Point is, the quote above might be the realest words ever wrote (and when Mayer was done he shoulda slit his throat. Cue the Clipse.)
If you've been reading long enough, it should come as no surprise to you that I have control issues. I've been getting better about it though, have stopped trying to direct everything upfront, and instead just keep a back up plan for when ish goes wrong since it will inevitably because I wasn't leading it. Or at least that's how I think. I tend to keep extraordinarily competent and efficient people around me so that things rarely go wrong. But I worry anyway.
It's an annoying way to work. And an annoying way to function in a relationship too. I once stood in the lobby of a building listening to a man I care for telling me, "D, you don't need me." It was his truth so I won't debate it, but I stood there wondering, how could he think I don't need him when I don't know what I would do without him?
I realized something was up when I didn't look both ways to cross the street. It's a small thing, but a very big one, especially to a controlling woman with trust issues. The logic goes: I only trust you not to mess up because I trust me to look out for myself. Unless I'm with my mother, I look both ways before I cross the street. I trust her not to mess up. At least when it comes to my safety. Unless I am with my father, I always carry a credit card or my debit card. I trust him not to mess up. At least when it comes to the finances.
Anybody else, I'm looking right, then left, hard, like I'm a suburban 16 year old trying to pass my first driver's exam.
I stepped out into the street on autopilot. Without a care in the world. The sun was shining. I was with Mr. Ex. The chemistry we created together made the world a better place. Or at least that's what it felt like. If he stepped into the street, then it must be safe. There was no need to look. He would never let anything happen to me.
I found myself on a 4 train to CT. To run errands with him. On a Saturday. This is the time equivalent of traveling to Philly and it took two trains and two hours. When I arrived, he sat me on a park bench and said he was moving. Job transfer. More money. I was waiting for him to ask me to go with him.
He didn't.
"How long will you be gone?" I asked like he was going on vacation.
"I don't know."
I stared at the ground blankly.
"But I'm coming back."
I didn't respond.
"You can't leave New York, D. You came here to be a writer," he adds. "You can't do that in [insert po-dunk city 3 hour flight away here.]
I look up. "I can write from anywhere." It's a plea. Take me with you. Don't leave me. I don't know what will happen to me if you leave.
I want to quit my life and just f*ckin' snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to f*ck you, I would start selling all my sh*t just to keep f*cking you.
"All I need is a laptop," I add.
I had a few bylines, a couple cover stories. No blog, had never been on staff at a magazine. I hadn't accomplished what I came here for yet (still haven't), but I did get out of MD and to DC, which was half the battle. Without hesistation, I would have found a new dream if it meant I wouldn't have to look both ways to cross the streets again.
He left.
I stayed.
Fast forward.
I left my phone in the car. It's a small thing, but a very big one, especially to a controlling woman with trust issues. The logic goes: I only trust you not to mess up because I trust me to look out for myself. My phone is my lifeline and my link to the outside world, even when I am outside. The only time I don't have it on me is when I run in the park. It's my only time of solace. On a couple rare occassions, I have left my phone at home and realized this on the way to work. Too often this revelation comes on the Manhattan Bridge. I get off at Canal Street and head back to Brooklyn to get it. I sleep with it, and my laptop, under my pillow.
But here I am in this bowling alley, in the basement for a birthday party being introduced by BK to friends who have been around so long that they are now fam and I do not have my phone. I wouldn't get a signal anyway. I know I can't make calls or send texts, but it's the principle of the thing. When we were in the car, I took off my coat, pulled my driver's lisence and my father's credit card from by bag and put them in my pocket. And totally forgot about my phone. Who does that? Better, when did I start doing that?
I think about going upstairs and outside in the snow for my baby. Then I look across the room at BK. He looks up as if by instinct he knows I'm in need. "You good," he mouths from across the room.
I look him in the eye, searching for I don't know what. A friend told me recently that I have a habit of doing that. I'm always trying to read people.
"Need something?" He starts like he's getting up to head my way.
I smirk, a laugh to myself really, and shake my head. "Nope," I say. "I'm fine."
I go back to mingling with a woman he just introduced me to, The Wife in Shorts, without a care in the world.
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Reader Comments (79)
Why is it that people rarely (if ever) end up spending their lives with the person who makes them feel THIS way??? Its like a curse. sighs.
OMG! Belle it's as if you have a direct line to my mind. I have always held onto the logic of " I only trust you not to mess up because I trust me to look out for myself." Different words. But same concept. For instance, each time I would go out with my EX, I would always double check to make sure that I had my credit card. It wasn't because I wanted to go dutch, I just was making sure that if he couldn't pay for me, I could pay for myself. It is truly a control thing. It's as if you put your trust in him to guide you then you are losing a part of yourself and your part of control over the relationship. I too left my phone and the Ex was like "You can just use mine." My reply " I don't to use yours. Let's go back and get it". By giving up some of the control you are submitting your trust in a person to lead you. That is some scary stuff! I trust my mother to lead me because I know that she will not steer my boat down a muddy stream. But a man? How can I trust a man to guide me. How can I trust that he knows my heart and has my best intentions? That is where you have to just step (no pun intended) out on faith and let the spirit work. Now I like to define myself as being more spiritual than religious but to have that type of faith in someone that you consider your significant other is awesome. Not only does it make the relationship better but it raises the bar for him to always keep your best interests in mind throughout the course of the relationship. I think that is where many of us are going wrong these days. We always have a back up plan in case something goes wrong in the relationship. How will you ever learn to truly trust someone to guide you if you don't give them the opportunity to do so? I have this problem. In the back of my head I always felt like if I surrender to trusting someone with my life, then I am weak. I need to be the strong person so he doesn't run over me and my feelings don't get hurt. But in being that strong person, I'm showing him that I don't need him. It's a never ending cycle. And a part of this was my battle with the man upstairs! But I am now learning to lean unto the man upstairs to guide me so that he will place a man in my life who he trusts WITH my life to direct my path in a positive and meaningful way. At the end of the day, I want to feel like this: If God can trust this man to get me across the street, feed me when I'm hungry, or just smile at me and ask if I am ok. Then so can I". That is the feeling I want to have.
You're channeling me as well, Belle...well only part of me anyway. I always have my guard up which actually started to happen when I had one too many bad relationships. Haven't had a relationship where someone actually made me feel as safe as you describe. Being on guard is my way of weeding out the guys that aren't for me anyway. Oh, I can still be witty and humorous, but behind the smile I'm still aware that I'm fully in control of myself (not the situation). This knowledge of self control is the only thing that keeps me sane sometimes. As long as I have confidence that I can handle any situation then I feel safe. I just can't allow my security to depend on another human being because no matter how much someone else cares, they can never look out for me like I can look out for me. They can assist by helping me with my blind spots, but that's the extent of the matter.
Belle, you know I had to run through the archives to see the history on your Mr. Big aka Mr. Ex. :)
Not controlling every minute of every situation, every circumstance, and attempting to solve every problem is something I just recently overcame. It took some time for me to get this way, but I am still a work in progress. At what point in relationships do we go all in with our trust submitting to our SOs? truly letting go and letting God? For me its easier said than done, and a constant thing in the works.
Great post Belle, we always enjoy a good Belle story.
Wow. Y'all ladies make life sooo hard. The good news is dudes have cultivated a non-chalant attitude that can STILL make you desirable. Thank goodness! You wanna just walk out into the street, or double look bcuz "that's your thing" knock yourself out. You're wasting your time, your energy. And one day you'll be honest enuff with yourself to figure out being in control is no assurance of being correct, nor of getting things right. I think what John said about Jessica is an abstract thought that ppl wanna give meaning as if it's some deep, mystical concept that only "they" get, when the truth is: life goes on without Jessica in it bcuz there will be another Jessica next week, next year, next decade. The one that "got away syndrome" allows one to have fantasies about the unknown. But trust, John will find another woman that will be like a ray of sunshine that will allow him to have NO-REGRETS about whatever happened between him and Jessica, despite the catchy little phrase he came up with about cashing out just to keep "F" ing her. Men talk shyt, so don't believe the hype.
@ Jenifer, that was very honest of you to admit that out loud. I think that's part of SBWS- Strong Black Woman Syndrome. It can be a double edged sword and its hard to surrender that trust.
@DC Man
i think the feeling exists. i've felt it. it does come twice, or at least three times, maybe more. actually change that to probably. who knows? but it doesn't come back to back. i think that's what's scary. you usually got to wait awhile for the guy who inspires anything.
"being in control is no assurance of being correct."
truuuueeeeee, (you gotta say it like Kim back in the Jr. Mafia days.)
"I just can't allow my security to depend on another human being because no matter how much someone else cares, they can never look out for me like I can look out for me. They can assist by helping me with my blind spots, but that's the extent of the matter."
Truth! I'm a control freak and I don't know how this is going to work in a relationship. I'm currently single and used to doing EVERYTHING myself because I know it won't get done otherwise. But to hand over the steering wheel and be the passenger without screaming out the directions is going to be really hard for me to do . I hope that I end up with someone who respects my independence and know that I mean well because I really can't see it any other way. And please believe if I'm living with him and some ish that I don't approve of pops off that I will have a safety net that will allow me to flee the premises immediately....some things I can do without in my life. Maybe I have trust issues too.
What?
Great post Belle. Let me 1st say, if this isn't when Big moved to Paris w/no thought of Carrie and her feelings I don't know what is!!!
I've been close, but I've yet to meet anyone to fully make me feel that safe. I'm a control freak as well, which I don't mind being career wise but relationshipwise, I am ready to meet someone where I can give up some of the control. Where I'm not the one that has to plan everything, to always put in the most effort. When I meet someone were I can feel comfortable enough to not always have a backup plan with what we do, ill be walkin on clouds.
"if this isn't when Big moved to Paris w/no thought of Carrie and her feelings I don't know what is!!!"
you know. i try not to compare my life to that show b/c i want a willful and distinct separation from being The Black Carrie Bradshaw, but it keeps happening.
That said, this is more like when Big moved to Napa. this is the simplified version of the story there's a lot i'm intentionally leaving out. I never thought he left with no thought of my feelings. In retrospect i thought it was pretty selfless of him not to ask me to go cause he knew I would have sidetracked my dreams for him. you can look at it from either angle and make a valid argument.
I enjoyed your post. I thought I was the only one who found a portion of his article enlightening. He put it out there - I have definitely been that caught up with someone before and it's scary. Much like the other commentors it causes you to put your guard up and make you promise yourself that you'll never trust someone like that again. I'm learning to take down my wall slowly but surely
Great job Belle as always
...and I cried. Too much for words right now.
Great post.
So...in essence, what you just did was eloquently put my current thoughts into a well phrased, insightful blog post, as opposed to what was sure to be rambling coming from me.
Awesomeness. (Yes, this is a word - at least, it's my word)
In a blog I wrote recently, I rambled (only a little) about being strong and how to express needing someone without losing your strength/individuality/control. It's something I work on all the time. I haven't quite figured out if I have a handle on it yet (actually, I'm pretty sure I don't), but I'm working on it.
Great post.
I know this feeling all too well! It's a tough one to handle when you're used to carrying everything on your own shoulders, but once you learn to let go...a little bit, momma didn't raise no fool....and let someone else take control (someone deserving of course), the experience can take you to the most amazing heights. Glad to see BK is getting you to let go...even if it's just a little...hey, baby steps right? :-)
as the ex gf of an active duty military personnel, i FEEL you Belle, I FEEL you!
....the sun is shining today, and i dreamed of war last nite....
but the sun is shining today. thank God for small mercies...
If I'm reading this correctly, the author and the commenters recognize their (unhealthy) need for control, yet are waiting for a man to make them overcome it, instead of working on it independently.
Uh? Okay.
If you can't (don't really want to) give up control, then why are you seeking a partner in the first place?
...and John Mayer is on some fake philosophical bullshit.
i'm a control freak in a different way.
i try to control my degree of being hurt by not putting myself out there too much.
i keep things light and casual.
i make no expectations of men.rather, i refuse to openly discuss expectations i have for men i'm dating with said men.
i hate to say that i play games,
but ultimately i do.
(i've been told my lips belie the truth my eyes hold.)
fear of rejection makes me want to hide my true feelings for a guy unless the feeling is at minimum mutual.
the reality is that maybe i will find a man that will shake me to my core,
but with that good comes the inevitability of said man breaking my heart.
by expecting little or nothing,
my heart never gets broken.
feelings get hurt,
but it's only brief.
at 24,
i know this is not how i want to live my life.
but at what point do you let go of the control freak and be fearless in love?
loved this post, period
*to-do* Read archives ;-)
yet are waiting for a man to make them overcome it
Wheretheysaythatat?
I think most were saying they desire the type of man, and type of dynamic, where they can feel safe letting go. Not that the man will make them overcome it.
Control, or a need for control, in and of itself is not unhealthy. It's not knowing when to differentiate one situation from another that is unhealthy. There are times to be in control and there are times to take a back seat. You just don't take a back seat to any and every one unless you're looking for trouble.
I don't know why people criticize. Leaders have control issues. Period, end of story. Show me one that hasn't. Part of maturing, as a leader, is knowing when to pass the reigns and inspire others-- be a coach--, rather than feeling like you need to "run this town". Part of maturing as a women is knowing when to be first lady instead of being Mrs. President.
It's the other side of the same coin. If you know someone whose never had control issues, chances are they've never been a leader. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but usually, they need to take direction from others. There's a place for everyone in this world because the world couldn't function without that dynamic. Somebody has to lead, somebody has to be led (I don't like saying follow because that implies a kind of weakness). Know when to lead, know when to be led, know when to be the support system of the leader.
"yet are waiting for a man to make them overcome it, instead of working on it independently."
@J Peipront
you're missing it. or you're missing what I meant by it.
i hate explaining stuff like this because I want people to take from it what they need, but my point is that certain people have the power to change your outlook just by being who they are. like you want to be in control, then you meet someone who makes you not give a shit about power. you stop trying to control and just be who you thought you weren't.
a control issue is hard to work on independently. when you're not with someone, you have to be in control. tweeking control issues is all theory, which is much diff than application.
i don't think it's about can't/don't want to, it's the fear of what happens when you do. every single person commenting has pretty much said they'd like to do different, they just aren't sure how. and you've been reading lone enough to know that people want things that they aren't sure how to attain. we're trying to figure it out here.
You will know in life who will take the lead. Just liek w/ mister ex no questions asked. The only trick is definding the season, i.e. how long the person should say.
Great Post!!! It's funny how right before I read this post, I was sending my S.O. a text saying we need to talk. Yeah, the plan tonight was to rant why I always do this and that in the relationship and etc.. I been trying my best to not to be consumed by my friends, media/blogs, of what should and shouldn't be happening in my relationship. But this post has put some thoughts in my head. I never thought of myself of being a control freak, but I may possibly be one. Stated previously by a poster, my last relationship was really bad so I'm on this mission now, that this one must be successful (or at least I don't get hurt). Lately, I been complaining - he doesn't do this or that anymore, why this havent' happened yet, I put all the effort and planning in to the relationship, etc. The reason maybe now, cause at the beginning I let him do all those things and somewhere I took over and didn't want to give the control back. And I know he has made remarks about it.
And also, I don't know why I always have used the word trust toward being faithful, not cheating. I never used it relating to trusting my S.O.'s words, ability to support me, and look out for me. That might be another problem for me.
Thanks again for the post and the comments. Now have to reword tonight's conversation.
I'm in total agreement with you, Miss Understood.