Is the Church Keeping You Single? Uhhh...
Tuesday, June 22, 2010 at 1:17PM So last week, the Belle Mail account starts blowing up with this story from survivingdating.com. The title, “The Black Church: How Black Churches Keep African American Women Single and Lonely.”
I had no intentions of reading it until one of the women who sent it to me added a small note:
I am "characteristically" the woman the author speaks of in the article. Ministry consumes much of my free time often making it impossible to date even if the opportunity presents itself. Sometimes I do feel like "throwing caution to the wind" and just going for it, but more times than naught I have ended up in a bad situations when I did go out. I often feel there is just a comfort and safety in staying in the "good" girl's place.
So I read it.
The author, dating expert and advice columnist Deborrah Cooper, directly blames the Black church for Black women’s singleness. She writes:
the true reason that there are so many single, never married Black women in the United States - Black churches. Black women should abandon Black churches and focus more on themselves, their needs and those of their children than those of Black men or a religion, which Black men use to castigate and control an entire race of women.
Her bottomline:
Going to church for single Black women is a waste of time.
Cooper’s biggest gripe with the Black Church:
structured around traditional gender roles which makes women submissive to and inferior to men, greatly limits females. Single Black women sitting in church every Sunday are being subtly brainwashed, soothed and placated into waiting without demand for what they want to magically come to them.
No doubt this type of church doctrine is out there. But there are churches aplenty where it doesn’t. But maybe Cooper is speaking of the Black Church outlook in general which even if you’ve never stepped inside, if you are Black and live in America, you are most likely influenced by in some fashion.
Cooper goes on to acknowledge that there are single men in the church. Then dismisses them just as quickly with, “you can bet if a young, handsome, strapping man is in church every Sunday, there is something wrong with him.” She asses that “98%” of men to be found in church are a part of 12 –step program, gay, players, or “elderly reformed players.” If she wasn’t so serious, this would be hysterical. (I implore you to go to her site to read the full breakdown on this.)
Cooper also points out that time spent in church— where there are no men you’d want to date anyway, according to her— is taking up time from a woman’s social agenda (cue Bernie Mac).
many single women are in church for women's group, Bible study twice per week, some special committee meetings, singles ministry, fellowshipping through the community, and attending service all day on Sunday. When exactly is it that this single Black woman would have time for a man in her life?
I want to argue on principle. But I acknowledge a good point. Interchange “work” with church and it’s the argument that every dating/relationship expert worth their ranting makes: you want a man? You have to make time for a man. Logically, Cooper’s argument makes sense, but it still doesn’t feel right telling women to back off of the Bible to pursue a date.
As a parting thought, Cooper notes:
Single Black women trying to live a sanctified lifestyle won't be caught dead in the places where men are likely to be found. These church women refuse to go to parties, sports bars or sporting events, or clubs where there is drinking, card playing, domino throwing, shit talking and cussing – you know, the things that most men who enjoy life like to do.
There are millions of really great guys out here that would love you to the depths of your soul and stand by you. There are many single men that will happily honor your spirit and desire to leave your mark on the world. However, he may not EVER set foot in a church, read the Bible or even pray.
The implication is church women go to where the men are— even if they find it morally compromising— in order to increase their odds of finding a man. Will they find men? Yes. But men they are compatible with? Uh… not likely. I have nothing against card playing and domino throwing, but isn’t a holy roller dating a “shit talking and cussing” man like the very definition of being unequally yoked? I mean if I’m into the church, and he’s into the club, what exactly is our common ground? Pre-marital sex?
I also don’t like the idea of encouraging church women into “backsliding” just to have a man. Skipping a Bible Study or two? Fine. But throwing deuces to church altogether? No.
Women have a special power— keeping the flame— that too many of us, especially the believing ladies, don’t often recognize or acknowledge the importance or necessity of. Yes, holding the moral/religious compass in our community is a burden. It would be great if men at large could be relied upon not to habitually line-step, but most like to test the limits. It’s kinda on us to hold it together, even if that means praying on it or praising His name. I mean if we don’t, who will?
I wonder if Black women were to take Cooper’s advice and put the pursuit of a man over praising God, then what happens to us a pairs or even The People. Someone’s got to the stay “Nearer, my God, to Thee’’ or we all further fast-forward our dissent into hell in a hand basket. (See decline of church and current state of Black America.) Black relationships at large are already for shite, you really think they’re getting any better with less time spent in pews and more time partying, card playing and shit talking?
Perhaps the solution to helping church-going Black women find the love they seek isn’t telling them to abandon church altogether, but to find a more progressive place to worship, then discover ways to get more Black men to enter the building.
Discuss.
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Reader Comments (71)
The author of this whole "Abandon church for a Man" sounds crazy!!
I mean if her theory made in any sense then wouldn't all the "unsaved" gals who went to the clubs..parties and card games have a good man????
The only thing about the church that I think may cause slight problems for single women is the theory of dating for marriage
While this is great if that is your intent, it sometimes puts unncessary pressure on women when they do meet men because the first thing these women are thinking on the first date is can I marry him....which is putting the cart before the horse if they don't even know the man
I will consider that this woman does not have the understanding that in ALL things, you must have balance. I disagree with the statement/issue. I have always had some part of my life affected by ministry/church b/c of my upbringing. Furthermore, it has never caused me to do or not do something. That idea is based on my personal conviction and lifestyle that I choose to live. Everyone, in any spectrum of ministry must live a life with balance. If he or she allows their lives to be "overtaken" by ministry/church, it's their own fault. Not that of the "church".
I wonder if Black women were to take Cooper’s advice and put the pursuit of a man over praising God, then what happens to us a pairs or even The People.
Church is the BUSINESS of religion, first and foremost. Telling people to shun the church is not telling people to shun God, only the commercialization of it.
I'm not feeling it. Although I can comprehend what she's saying, I don't agree. Yes there are women who spend a lot of time in the church, but I don't think that is the reason they are single. Growing up in the south, in a black church, there were many married women and single women alike participating in more than just a Sunday service. I think she has really gone to the extreme with this one. Abandon church to go to a bar and meet a man? "Holy" women don't have to go on this man hunt in shit talking places and bars to find a man. Does she not know about smiling and saying hi in unconventional places? I'm not sure about her. I'm really taken aback by her statements. If you find love in the church, great! If not, that's not why you're there anyway. Women spend their time in the church because it's a commitment they made themselves, it is not forced.
I absolutely agree with Miss Understood. I don't think giving up the bible is anywhere in this argument. I think the "church" is sometimes a distraction but GOD in your life should always be first and foremost. This may be a bit bias because I'm not a Christian and church is not a priority to me. I have attended the infamous Mosque Maryam (Farrakhans Mosque) and I totally understand the male domination of a religous institution.
This author sounds pissed off. She self admittedly has never been to church and is not a believer in God. She is NOT qualified to speak on this issue in my opinion. To me, it just gives single women an excuse for their singleness. She's bogus.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! While I understand what she means by "a good girl" not going out to places i.e club, and just going to bible study everyday, but at the same time I...I'm speaking for myself, thinks she's out of line! There is nooo way I could ever leave the church just because I can't get a date on Thursday night or whatever. If anything, it will help me be patient for the Lord to bring me the right person albeit at the store, gym, bookstore, open mic night whatever! Shunning the church is a no go for me! The church brings me peace in a middle of a storm and there is no way I could be without it for a man...
Also, maybe the solution to church going single women is to stop looking at church for "the hook up". If it happens, it happens. Just like thirsty women are obvious at the club they are obvious at church. Thirsty girls get used.
She has a point. Having gone to an AME church all my life, I have seen the (almost always in denial) gay men, the ex-cons/former d-boys/"just tryna get my life togetha" types (usually a relative of an elder member), and the old playas who, at one point in time, may have been married at least once. (Can't say I've seen too many of the young playas...I think that's a stereotype we think exists).
But of all of those, usually the men I see in church are already married. Whether they were dragged kicking and screaming by a doting wife, or maybe just one of those old, old, old school types, this is the real reason why you can't find a single mate in church. Add to this that most of these married couples are 35+.
Truth be told, you really don't see a lot of single, young women in the church either. I don't know which ones she goes to, but in my experience, church has always been a haven for the 35 and up club. That's not saying you don't see youngsters at all, but both genders are fewer in number than we like to believe. And if you do see a young woman in church, chances are they're either A. not a regular, every Sunday, 10% of paycheck, Women's Day committee and Bible Study on Tuesdays type member or B. has kids and is looking for additional guidance in raising a child.
I agree, to a certain extent. Only because there are not a lot of men going to church, so it's difficult to find one there. It is historically true that black churches are filled with women. Men in my age group 21-35 are not really there in any significant way. Black people perhaps, should be honest with ourselves and see exactly where all this blind faith has gotten us? In most black "hoods" you will find churches on every corner. But they are seldom reaching out to the surrounding communities of people, and the black reality in these part remains grim. Inspite of all the bible thumping and Amens! The black family is still falling apart. The black church is fraction of the powerhouse it was in the past, during the civil rights movement, and is generally a shallow endeavor. But that is only one experience from one person.
In my life, God is neither first nor last. God is a part of everything and so there is no need for hierarchies or power positions. God is love and no place where God dwells will keep you from love. I agree with Belle. If you change "black church" to "work" you have the same argument.
Women (all people, really) should strive for balance in their lives. In my opinion, If you truly trust in the love that comes from God, which is a love without condition, judgement, or expectation, then you will find everything you need. Not necessarily everything you desire, but certainly, everything you need. You will find happiness in living your true purpose which is to love and be loved.
I've seen some valid and thought provoking arguments on how the black church is purposefully keeping black women single (including the assertion that it's more profitable for churches if the women are single) but this lady takes it about 40 paces too far.
There's a way to maintain church in your life and still get out there and meet men who are compatible with you. At the very least, completely shunning church just because you're single (and wanting a relationship) seems so drastic.
Why isn't she calling for women to quit their jobs or give up their kids or otherwise completely free up their time?
Sounds like girlfriend has a bone to pick with the church (and I throw no shade for that) and is choosing to use this angle.
Slightly to the side of what I just said, singles' ministries in churches seem like the BIGGEST joke to me. I've never understood their purpose... Well, I get their purpose, I just don't think they ever serve said purpose.
I see where she's coming from, from a statistical point of view... If you spend all you're time in church and most men aren't at church, then you're odds of finding someone outside of those parameters isn't likely. I do, however, think she's taking a very one-sided stance on the issue and making it 'law'. This is also where she fails at proving her point. It doesn't stand on it's own. Telling folks to 'leave the church' is a STRETCH! She's buggin.
If women were as dedicated to the church and committed to their "salvation" as Cooper says then there would be far less children born to single unwed mothers because... well... doesn't the church prohibit pre-marital sex?
Are women holding down the church, teaching bible study, sunday school, and the missionary board more so than men?
YUP!
However.... considering 70% of births among BW is to unmarried mothers, I would have to say SOMEBODY is taking the time to roll around in the sheets!
Out of all the single ladies in my church, I know very few over the age of 25 (really younger than that, but I'm trying to give some credit :/) who has no children, or even the married ones, ex-cons, "retired players", piano players, etc. etc. that didn't have a kid before marriage, or that didn't have a few "slip ups (or should I say a slip in(s)).
Nightline has women seriously reaching for an excuse... We're blaming Jesus now?? Where they do that at?? LOL
Her ideas are a bit extreme but there is validity to her argument.
I think in many churches there is a thought that if I'm diligent, patient, tithe faithfully, and devote MAJORITY of my time to the Lord, I will be blessed with a man.
And that's not necessarily true.
But churches do promulgate this thought and what do they get in return? A FREE LABOR SOURCE. Someone to do all the busy work of the church for no pay, while the already married men sit on the deacon boards and wield the little power that they have.
Basically it's a racket.
Does this mean that women should stop attending church? No.
But you might want to be more proactive about finding a man/husband if that’s what you are looking for…
And that might have to take place OUTSIDE of the church.
I have to respectfully interject. How can you explain this?
http://beyondblackwhite.wordpress.com/2010/06/22/the-tbc-conspiracy-continues-women-stay-hidden-wtf/
This article was forwarded to me by a friend and I initially thought the author was a man. Oh how surprised I was to find that the author was indeed a woman. I can certainly attest to some of her arguments. There are some churches like the one she described. However, I just cannot in good faith agree with everything she has said. I think she relies in large part on gross over exaggerations and biases. Surely the black church isn't solely responsible for the single status of black women. And I have to agree with cocochanel when she says that the theory of dating specifically for the purpose of marriage is a thing that I believe sets a lot of women up for failure. Somehow, marriage has been treated as this Holy Grail in society and there is this theory that all women are supposed to end up married; moreover that they actually want to be married. In the grand scheme of things, I think church can be a very powerful and useful thing to have in your life. However, as in all things, there is always room for things to be taken too far. And while there are women who are like the reader who wrote to Belle, I don't think we can safely (or correctly) assert that all black women in church are like this. But that's just my opinion.
"Perhaps the solution to helping church-going Black women find the love they seek isn’t telling them to abandon church altogether, but to find a more progressive place to worship, then discover ways to get more Black men to enter the building.".....well...there you have it.
While I can certainly understand this woman's frustration and reasonings for coming to this ridiculous conclusion, i certainly don't fully agree. First off, she seems to be focusing on the small population who take the whole church thing toofar. I've known a few of those people, who couldn't talke a sentence without calling on the name of Jesus, who would minister as teenagers, love to talk about fire and brimstone, spent more than sunday and bible study day in the church. Those where also the same people getting knocked up in high school OR terminating clandestine pregnancies. I've often observed that women who practically LIVE in the church have a whole lot of crazy going on inside, and like to walk around santified and judgemental in order to hide it. This is the sort of behavior that turns a lot of people, especially men, off from the church.
Miss Understood made a good point that church is the commercialization of Religion, but I do feel that telling women to chuck the deuces to the church essentially is telling them to forsake their religion in order to get a man. Either way, it's not a good look. It's all about balance. It's about understandind that you can't just sit around and pray up a man. You have work for it AND pray. Socialize OUTSIDE of the church circle (b/c you KNOW that the limited circle of men in the church usually are a MESS), be realistic. If you want to sit around and be a sanctified good girl, and wonder why your King hasn't fallen from the church rafters, that's just plain laziness, and you know how God feels about that.
I don't think the author's point was that all Women abandon God, or their personal spiritual practices, lol seriously read deeper. That would be a mis-understanding. I believe she is simply asking black woman to take a realistic look at the way dogmatic patriarchal ways of worshiping have not served us. Don't stop going to church, but don't be afraid to reform and renew out dated methods that exist in the church, either. I think she is asking that we take accountability, and become more realistic with ourselves.
Le Sigh. The author of the article takes what could be a point and goes way out in left field. I don't think black women should give up the church per se. I believe a lot of black women need to question blind devotion to a particular church body, mindset, or institution. I think more black women need to realize that church is not the only place to meet nice guys, but how to recognize someone who is "equally yoked" outside of the church. And they need to challenge and remove support from misogynistic, oppressive "ministries" that do nothing to help black women outside of a good shout on Sunday.
But Belle, you lost me with this:
"Women have a special power— keeping the flame— that too many of us, especially the believing ladies, don’t often recognize or acknowledge the importance or necessity of. Yes, holding the moral/religious compass in our community is a burden. It would be great if men at large could be relied upon not to habitually line-step, but most like to test the limits. It’s kinda on us to hold it together, even if that means praying on it or praising His name. I mean if we don’t, who will?"
Women are burdened with being morally superior because men have handed them that responsibility so they can go off an be immoral. We can't advocate this foolishness. It leads to further oppression of black women by black men, often within the institutions that are supposed to uplift them. The Civil Rights era, for all the good it did, habitually relegated women to subservient positions regardless of their contributions. The Black Panther party devolved to an organization that had an admitted rapist as its leader. Most black churches have men almost exclusively in leadership positions regardless of past moral indiscretions. Heck, a majority of the sermons about moral behavior are directed at black women as if they are the only ones engaging in things the church is allegedly against.
In my opinion, giving black women the lions share of moral culpability is akin to making black people (and other minorities) the lions share of responsibility in dismantling systemic racism and changing people's minds about prejudice. It places the burden on the injured party, and that isn't right.
Anywho, I think people should have church as part of their lives, which should be balanced, dynamic, and active. you don't have to go to clubs and drink and whatnot, but our society has the advantage of having a multitude of wholesome activities (book clubs, intramural/community sports, professional organizations, hobby clubs, etc) where church girls can meet likeminded men. The church girls just need to be able to separate the wheat from the chaff, and that is not something that is learned exclusively in church.
A church is just a building, made of wood, brick or stone. A building built by mortal man, that will soon fall and dilapidate. God is not in There, God is in you. You can go to church every sunday, many people do and get confused as to why their lives remain sad, and they fell no closer to God. They don't realize that God is bigger then Church on Sunday. God is in all things everyday, and in all people.
Just read some of this article, but from the little I read in order to find a husband I must abandon church and Christianity to find a husband. If abandoning my morals is the only way I can find a suitabe mate then I shall die single.
This woman keeps saying that black men arent in church and if they are somethings wrong with them. So... basically Im supposed to drop everything and chase a half of a man because that all thats available. How about I bring that half of a man to church with me and make him a whole man. Thats what black men need JESUS not a woman who cant stand up for what she believes in,
I walked away from organized religion many years ago but have never walked away from God. I agree with what the author is saying and understand the overall message. The overall message is organized religion can be an environment which fosters closed mindedness. The men she identified – I’ve met in church however can’t say with 100 % certainty all men in church can fit these labels but many I’ve run across do. Congregations are supposed to be changing and embracing non traditional female leadership. However, the truth is churches and societies are structured patriarchal. I under the authors point and don’t think she’s encouraging Christian women to date heathens but not narrowly define good men by the non drinking, smoking, dancing, cussing, sport bar attending set.
She also needs to understand that many good things have come from churches; schools, universities, etc. I agree with Belle we need more progressive, realistic, non guilt inducing, churches for both men and women.
"Women are burdened with being morally superior because men have handed them that responsibility so they can go off an be immoral. We can't advocate this foolishness. It leads to further oppression of black women by black men, often within the institutions that are supposed to uplift them. "
I'm with you. partially.
We are burdened with it, largely b/c as I note and you do as well, men won't do it. but who does it serve and how best does it serve us, women, the community, to say "Well, cause you won't do it, I won't either"? where does us dropping the ball too, leave us?
I acknowledge it's a burden in the post, but what else are we women gonna do? and too, there's a power in this burden as well. we keep the gate. we set the standards. that's POWER. and as an aside, it's one that men respect the hell out of. (though i feel that at this point i must acknowledge that according to my hazy recollection of scripture, the spiritual leader in a relationship is supposed to be the man.)
acknowledging that men need to get on board as well and relieve that burden is the reason my conclusion suggests that we find a way to get more men in the church as opposed to abandoning the whole thing.
oh, and I couldn't even get through Soul On Ice after he tried to justify raping the white woman because of his oppression as a Black man.
As an active member of the church of Christ I must say that this article cracked me up. Life's all about balance but I'm not about to abandon my source of encoouragement to find a man. I'm assuming she was once church girl gone bad. I didn't accept Christ until the age of 22 which is rather young. However, once I became active @ my congregation, I soon found out: Men are men!
I've met great guys @ the grocery store. This woman acts as if a woman devoting her time to the ministry has to be without a life. While there are certain place I don't frequent anymore (clubs, bars, etc) I still go out and have a good time.
Balance is key and at the end of the day you attract people wherever you go.
Thanks for the post, Belle. I'll be sharing w/ the other miserable, unmarried, Holy-rollers out there! LOL :-)