32, The Birthday Post
Saturday, July 9, 2011 at 12:27AM "You ever wonder what it all really means? You ever wonder if you'll find your dreams?" — Kanye West, "I Wonder"
In 2010, I landed a book deal with a major publisher. Writing a book was my dream since I was about 13, the weekend I laid on the couch and read Terry McMillan's Waiting to Exhale. I knew then it was meant for me to write a book. As lofty as that sounded, I didn't even know it was. I figured everyone followed their dreams. What's special about that?
I only wanted to publish for one house, and only wanted one editor. Atria and Malaika Adero. I wanted someone who I wouldn't have to over explain my vision to, a person who would “get it”.
When I worked at BET years ago, I would walk five avenues over and four blocks down to the gym across from the Simon & Schuster building. After my workout (5 miles on the treadmill) I would sit on the bench outside and stare at the building, sweat running down my face even after a shower, and ask God—He, She, It— to get me there.
I was working in publishing then. I wanted to be a book editor for Malaika. I got the opportunity once, but I turned down the job because I'd have to take a massive pay cut. I thought 'so much for that dream', but God had different plans.
I got the call about my manuscript in March 2010, three weeks after I turned in a draft of my book. Malaika wanted me to know that she was preparing an offer and to sit tight. When she called two weeks later to say a contract was in the mail, I wasn't happy.
Do you really know what it means to find your dreams?
I knew it was a moment worth celebrating, but all I could think was 'this is it. Can you handle it?' You have a dream for so long that it seems impossible to reach, then you get it and you wonder, now what do I dream about? It doesn't feel like life is beginning. It feels like it's over.
I went to the office vending machine, got a Coke, drank it with a straw. I stayed late to finish an assignment, then went to the gym to run. I played "I Wonder" on repeat. I burst into tears before I finished the first mile. And I kept running, tears and sweat soaking my wife B ‘til I finished mile four.
Harder, better, faster, stronger.
I knew from my days in publishing that an author’s platform mattered just as much as their story. It seemed it counted less whether your story was the best. It was all about, can you sell the product if we sign you? I went hardcore with my blog and my brand. I threw as many cocktail parties as I could and did as many interviews and walked as many red carpets as possible. Said 'yes!' to every offer that came my way. Instead of changing my hair every six weeks, I committed to my distinctive blond streak for... ever?
Branding. I was working on editing the book, but that was secondary. A good friend, a former marketing music exec saw the flaw in my strategy and pulled me aside. "The hype doesn’t matter if the product isn’t good," he said. “What you don’t want to do, is build expectations and fall short. The work is all that matters.”
I listened. I put the blog on hold. I missed friends' birthday parties and events to celebrate their accomplishments because I was writing and re-writing. It has to be perfect, or as close as possible.
I apologized to CBW for not being able to 'be there,' for talking about book ish 24/7, for being a manic writer with roller coaster emotions, for canceling plans because I know I said I’d be there but the words are coming and I have deadlines and I can’t stop now. I knew he was leaving me any day. And when I told him what I was thinking, he said, “finish the book. I’m not going anywhere.”
So I wrote and edited. I posted a blog maybe monthly and folks kept asking when the next one was coming. I got accused of changing, feeling myself. My life hadn’t changed, the checks weren’t rolling in the way I hoped, and I was working before sun up and way past sun down. All that had changed was my workload. But people’s perceptions of me had changed. When I was the girl struggling for the dream, I was relatable. When the dream came true, the hard critics came with it.
I felt guilty for letting people down by not blogging. But I couldn’t kill myself to be everything to everyone. I went to school to become a life coach and it confirmed what I already thought, “what do YOU want? What makes YOU happy? What do YOU need?”
The comments on the site dropped when I did post, which some were all too glad to point out. The numbers and hits to the site did too. People asked me blatantly, “how does it feel to be hot, then not?” I tried to prove them wrong by posting. But my heart wasn’t in it. I had bigger things on my plate. You ride with me or you don’t. I’d have to take some Ls. More than I ever anticipated.
Just, please, God, let the book be good.
The rare occasions I was able to hang out with my girls— there’s five of us that live and die together — they had inside jokes that I didn’t get and stories I’d never heard because I wasn’t around. I felt like an outsider even with my friends.
I lost a very close friend because I had always been there, and then I wasn’t and he didn’t understand my priorities. This is all I ever wanted, dude. Why don’t you understand? All he understood was he needed me and I wasn’t there. He threw deuces. And it took me months to even realize he was gone. I knew there would be sacrifices, but him? I don’t know if I would have made it in this city without him, but I was making it now, sorta. And he wasn’t there.
Am I changing?
"You're supposed to" my life coach told me. "If you're not growing, you're dying."
When I was in publishing, authors —a tempermental bunch, historically— would turn in their manuscript and say things like, “take care of my baby”— and I would roll my eyes, offer a pat “okay” and forget. But then I produced a story. It “only” took seven months initially and I imagine labor can’t be any worse. When the words won’t come and you’re on a deadline, you feel like a fraud. You doubt your ability, the core of who you are. Who are you to think your story is worth telling? Who deemed you an expert at anything?
Everyone keeps asking, “how’s the book going?” Honestly, it’s not going anywhere and I’m in jeopardy of losing my pub date. But you give a gracious nod, lie through your clichéd teeth, and say, “good. It’s going good.” You tweet about the positive— you're not you, you're a brand now— and blow up your friends’ BBMs with all your foul-mouthed frustrations. The one time you get honest, and say publicly, this ish is hard. You get backlash. I forgot. I'm a brand. Not a person.
When you’re almost done with the book, the promotion begins. And the demands come. You thought nothing could be harder than the writing, but the promo is the hard part. Back-to-back-to-back interviews where you have to be “on.” You can’t subtitle a book ‘living your best single life’ then show up looking ragged and tired and acting surly. So you paint the concealer over the circles under your eyes, listen to Kanye's "Stronger" on blast in the green room to hype yourself up like you’re preparing for a game or a fight. And you call your best friends at your weakest and darkest moments. They don’t get all that you're going thru, but they know that endurance is half the battle. “Keep going. Just keep going!” Tariq and Penelope say. So you smile for the cameras when the lights come on, artificially lighten your voice so no one can tell you're actually losing it (a genetic reaction to stress and lack of sleep. Thanks, Mom), become hyper-aware of your movements, and pretend that you haven’t had to give up your “best life” in order to write a book about it.
I want to go to sleep. I’m tired. I can’t handle this. I assemble a “team”. Multiple agents and publicists. Now there are speaking engagements, contracts to sign and offers being made with numbers that are unfathomable. Deals that compromise your core ethics, and you find yourself contemplating things you thought you’d instinctively say 'no!' to because it's so much money for next to nothing in effort.
I need a manager and a financial advisor yesterday. And different lawyers to handle the different deals. And the networks start calling. And so do the people you’ve admired all your life. They want to offer words of encouragement and tell you what pitfalls to avoid. The advice conflicts sometimes. What to do? What to do?
Seems like everyone wants something. And some friends who were always one way become another. Some want to keep you from changing and remind you as often as possible that you are nothing special. Others are in your ear telling you constantly of your imminent greatness, how you are the next [insert icon here.] A rare few are like, “blah, blah, blah, when are we doing brunch?” They have their own lives and their own hustles, so you don’t see them enough to feel normal.
I call my Dad daily. I followed my dream because he didn’t follow his. He wanted to be a radio DJ. He was one in Detroit at the height of the Motown era. But he walked away before his big break because the sacrifice was too great and the money wasn’t right. He wanted to get married and he needed to provide for a household if that was ever going to happen. It was time to grow up. He went corporate.
Twenty years later, I was a teenager listening to him remember with regret his last day as a DJ and talk about what could have been. The corporate money was good, but the dream never died. I appreciated his sacrifice, but I didn’t want to be a dreamer. He’s been where I am, at least for the early stages. So now he’s not “the talent,” as I’m referred to in contracts, but he manages the talent. Close enough. I jokingly call him “Mr. Knowles.” He tells me I’ll be keeping my clothes on. Thankyouverymuch.
I was on the phone with an interviewer from NBC Washington, and she asked me what I want my legacy to be. Legacy? Am I dying soon? I spend so much energy trying to get through the day, I haven’t had time to think about what I’ll leave when I’m gone. My thoughts are real immediate. Can I just get to my bed? “I guess… I just want women to know they have choices,” I say.
The book drops. Vibe Vixen reviews it and the headline asks, “Does A Belle in Brooklyn Live Up to the Hype?” Thank God, their answer is 'yes.' I keep forgetting to call my marketing exec friend and thank him for his words of wisdom.
A few mags I really want to review the book pass. The editors loved the galley, but... "It's a conflict of interest since she works for XXX," they tell my publicist. Really? Then they ask for invites to my book launch. I don't want to confirm them. "You can't burn bridges," both my publicists say.
I go on a six-city tour. I hardly have time to breathe. CBW is now my defacto manager/security/tour manager/handler. Half my friends and “team” don’t even bother to call me. They go through him. Women I’ve never met know my name and my story. They stop me in the street, at parties and events, and ask how they can help, what they can do to promote the book or a Belle event. Just tell someone to read it. Tell everyone you know. I’ve overwhelmed by the kindness of complete strangers, more than I can count, or thank.
I go to resties and managers come out to greet me and comp me. Women I’ve never met stop to hug me. Women write me long emails about their darkest secrets, asking "what should I do?" My friend’s boyfriends ask me for advice on the low-low. Random men apologize for the shortcomings of others. I take pool-side meetings with agents and producers, meet with networks and execs about TV deals and film rights. Off a blog?
It doesn’t have time to sink in. When I’m not moving, I’m sleeping. Or I’m showing up to work bleary-eyed in between city stops to move copy and write stories. I pick up a new job during tour, blogging full-time for TheMagazine.com. What am I thinking?
The last stop on my book tour, my family from NOLA shows up en masse. My 18 year old cousin looks at me with doe-eyes and wants to do everything I do. Move to NYC, be a veggie, follow a dream. She’s so scared of what the future holds, but I can look at her and know she’ll be fine. My Rolodex is hers; just like my father’s is mine. My cousin who’s closest to me in age, the one who has always looked at me like a kid? She treats me like an equal for the first time.
My aunt pulls me aside at the signing. She’s a Lucas by marriage with two married daughters and one son, who will carry on the family surname. She wants me to know how proud she is that I’ve left a mark for the Lucas’s.
“Is the book that big a deal?” I ask.
This is the hardest I've worked in my life. Harder than when I moved to NYC and worked two jobs and freelanced and worked 13 days on, 1 day off for eight months. I haven’t slept more than five hours a night in about a year. As I type, this is the first time in 18 months I’ve had a chance to sit still, not be on someone’s deadline, posing for a camera or getting ready for an event. I haven’t had a chance to sit back and take it all in.
I cancelled all plans for my birthday, including my annual bash, so I can go to the beach alone and not be beholden to a deadline or an event, or an interview, so there are no expectations to meet. I just want to be, because I haven’t been able to in a really long time.
I wanted this. I want this. And Sunday, the grind starts all over. I just need a day. One where no one’s demanding anything, expecting anything. I’ll give a 150% again tomorrow. Just give me today.
My aunt swirls her Jack and Coke and takes a swig. “Hell, yeah, it’s a big deal,” she says. “Hell, yeah.”
32.
"Harder, better, faster, stronger." — Kanye, "Stronger"
Fin.
Reader Comments (102)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY Belle!!!
a tear drops in Brooklyn
a read this blog back before the logo, very proud to see you have come a long way. Congrats on all your success, happy birthday!
Happy Birthday Dee, and congrats on all of your success. It's your day, so celebrate how you see fit. If that means doing absolutely nothing while staring at the ocean in silence, then take a blanket & dont forget your sunscreen, lol. Sometimes you have to just stop and disconnect from everything.
Enjoy your day :)
If you're not growing you're dying...as I wait anxiously to graduate from college in a few weeks I must be honest...I'm freaking out and I'm moving back home which I'm not excited about because I feel like my family won't understand that still a lot more to do. I still have so much more hustle in me! Thanks for showing me that following your dreams is a big deal. Happy birthday belle!
*Big Hug* Happy Birthday!
Congratulations on reaching your dreams!! Enjoy your solitude for this short period of time and happy birthday. BTW.... This is one of my favorite post, brought tears to my eyes...
Happy Birthday D! *throws confetti and e-hugs*
Your transparency here is why I will always read your work and follow your career. I am a supporter. For life. On days like today, when I want to quit, give it all up and go back home, I read this with tears in my eyes and remember I can't ever quit.
You deserve all of your success and much more. Thank you for being an inspiration.
Enjoy your day on the beach. And just be.
Happy Birthday Belle.
I saw you 'on' in LA and I have to appreciate you for your warmth though I see now how much pressure that must have been for you to always be 'on'. Thank you for your words, your wisdom, and your warmth. You have made a big sacrifice for the betterment of girls like me.
I appreciate you.
"the hard" is what makes it great. enjoy YOUR day.
Happy birthday Belle...still half way through your book and I am loving it!! Enjoy ur day to the fullest!!!
A world of emotions just hit me, and I cried. Happy for you and everything that is coming your way. You're fighting for a dream and you probably don't realize the magnitude of greatness that you exude to those around you, and maybe those you don't know. Can't say why I'm crying, but I'm in my early stages of fighting for a dream, and it's been a long journey to get to where I am now, and I haven't even started yet. So thank you, thank you, thank you for your words, your time, and being you! Happy Birthday and enjoy!
Happy Birthday!!!
I truly appreciate your honesty and openness in the post, as well as your entire collection of works. Your brand is consistent authenticity, and you deserve every single blessing that comes your way. I am very happy for you; I admire you. Enjoy your rest. Enjoy your hustle. Enjoy not doing a damn thing but what you want to on your birthday. Much, much, much Love.
Cheers, Belle.
Happy Birthday.
Keep going.
:)
YOU SAID THAT!!
*drops mic*
I appreciate your honesty, and Happy Birthday!
Happy BIrthday Belle! I hope you have a wonderful day. Reading this post made me remember the rush I had when reading Empire State of MInd. You have come a mighty long way, and this is only the beginning. Always remember to take care of you. Love you Belle!
Happy birthday Belle,
U r such an inspiration, u have shown me that I don't have to settle for what life has dished out. If I want something, I need to go out and fight for it.
Thank u for all that u do
Hugs and kisses
XxX
Happy Birthday Lady!!!
Your words of honesty as usual are always refreshing. As I sit here and think about my dream, I'm also reminded of the work that will come and I count the cost and it seems great but I have to see it. You are living out your dream, something that most people never see in life. Thanks for allowing us to share a moment in your dash of life. You are like the dude off the block who makes it to the pros, it gives hope to the next kid. If she did it, there's hope I can too. You've entered, now there's hope every little brown girl can too.Just know the love & support is always real even from the "strangers" who know your name and story lol.
As I told you in NOLA, your message is one that is needed for women and girls to come. We have choices in life!!
Be encouraged!!!
As for today, I pray the sun shines a little bit brighter for you at the beach & the blue skies are crisp and clear. Enjoy your day with peace and love because you deserve it!!!
Demetria,
I am beyond proud of you girl! You inspire me to do great things!
Belle, long time reader, first time commenter! Happy Birthday! Enjoy it, you earned that right to throw pink confetti alone. This post seals the deal with you achieving one dream and starting the road to achieve another. Your work and words are inspiration to women everywhere. We all can learn from your hustle and you def hustle hard. Keep up the good work and keep hitting us with a body of work that teaches us. I don't care that you refrain from sharing stories of the personal, keep it....we've grown with you, we understand, we are your STANS! So again, happy birthday! Enjoy it! Grown some more and more!
Happy Birthday Belle! Your honestly a big sister in my head, and remind me that my worth is MINE to claim and remember. I may be broken-up for a little while, but that doesn't equal a break-down. I thank you.
Awww *tears* Happy Birthday Demetria! I appreciate you for sharing this side of your journey cause like I said people think it's all glitz and glamour. Real Talk is so appropriate right now so it's no coincidence :) Thanks for being a source of inspiration, thanks for all the hard work you put in, thanks for being you whether you're "on" or not.Have a fabulous day!
Great post! Thank you for sharing you. Happy Birthday, Demetria.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY Belle!!!
Thank you so much for sharing such an introspective post. I have been following the blog for a while and though I was disappointed that the posts weren't coming as frequently I can say that the finished product (the book) was well worth the wait.
I've been to a few promo events for the book and one question you always answer is what made you write the book. You mention how you've dreamed about it since you were a little girl and talk about the "Waiting to Exhale" weekend and about writing this book for to give us something to relate to, especially SATC fans (you give us a "face").
You have always answered graciously about the process of writing it so I appreciate this more personal perspective.
I wish you continued success and hope that though this one dream has come true, that you continue to dream and dream BIG! May God bless you on this birthday and on the many birthdays to come.
*e-hugs* from a fellow Brooklyn girl!
Super glad you decided to post. If I needed anything in my life at this moment it was this post. Thank you is all I can say. Happy Birthday B!!! Enjoy.