The Root: I Don't Want Kids; He Does

I don't think I was born with the "mommy gene." I am 34 and have concluded firmly that neither having nor raising children is for me. I've told my fiancé multiple times: "No, I don't want children." The wedding date has been set, but recently he's been talking about planning a timeline for our future, and children are on his list. What can I say to let him know that I'm serious about not wanting kids and still get married in July? --A.T.

You're knee-deep in wedding plans right now, but I suggest putting them on hold until you and your fiancé reach some sort of resolution on this issue, if that's even possible. Not being on the same page with your partner about having children is a deal breaker.

Your fiancé probably thinks that you can be convinced to have children once you are married. I'm concerned that he has chosen to ignore your oft-stated perspective on this issue. He seems certain that he will get his way, and I can't tell from your letter if that's from a sense of entitlement or just wishful thinking.

It's unfathomable to many people that a woman genuinely, honestly, really doesn't want kids, but many women don't. A 2008 Pew Research study found that among women ages 40-44, there were equal numbers of women who are childless by choice and those who would like children but cannot have them. Additionally, 1 in 5 American women end their childbearing years without having birthed a child. (In 1976 only 10 percent of women were doing so.)

I'll guess that over the years, when you've revealed that you don't want children, your desire not to become a parent has been brushed off. You've likely heard some version of a patronizing "Oh, just wait" or "You'll grow out of it," as if you'll come around in time. There's a popular saying that goes, "When men say no, it's the end of an argument; when women say no, it's the start of a negotiation."

You have to explain to your partner that this isn't a passing phase, and you won't suddenly wake up one day and decide, "Yes, kids, please!" You are no more likely to be convinced to want children because he does than he will be convinced not to want them because you don't.

You've done the right thing by telling him all along that you do not want children. (Most women I hear from who don't want children have avoided telling their partner the truth for fear of rejection.) And though you've told him several times now, you need to tell him again -- and again -- until you're sure he gets it. Before this wedding takes place, he must understand that you are serious about not having children.

Read more: here

Vibe Throws Shade, Few See Light

Courtesy of VIBE magazine I’d seen the latest Vibe cover by the time my inbox, twitter feed, facebook and formspring were deluded yesterday with people sending it to me or asking, well, “Have you seen...?”

Yeah. I have.

People kept asking me if I was going to write about it, thinking I was going to go-off in 1000 or so words about Vibe losing their gotdamned mind. I figure there’s plenty of bloggers who stayed up late tough-typing to do just that. And if I was going to repeat what everyone else said…? Meh. I’d rather get some sleep.

But I’m still on Vegas time, three hours behind. And I’m in Maryland visiting my folks and the slow-crawl of suburbia is actually keeping me awake. So here goes… and no, it’s not what you’ll expect me to say. If I’m writing that, what’s the point?

I laughed when I saw the VIBE cover featuring Tamar Braxton, Kandi Buress, Evelyn Lozada, and Chrissy Lampkin all sporting f***-me heels and boobs pushed to gravity defying heights. It wasn’t the image, it was the coverline. “Meet Your New Role Models”— a declaration, not a inquiry— is everything. It’s graphic genius. Shade at it’s best. The problem is, I think that went over most people’s heads.

Magazine coverlines are the bread and butter. You can put Pulitzer-winning content inside, but if the cover sucks no one will ever know but subscribers because no one will pick it up on a newsstand and say, “hmm… what’s in here?” That’s the point of coverlines. Everyone judges books – magazines are called such in-house— by their covers. The right coverline with the right image is what compels newsstand buyers to make a Blink-like decision to pick up the mag and flip thru it (engagement) or to make a snap decision to buy it (cha-ching).

Editors obsess over coverlines for days. They gather everyone witty  in the office to come up with catchy ways to describe the issue’s best stories. They make a long list of a million different ways of saying the same thing in the shortest, punch-packing way possible. Coverlines are carefully thought up by consensus, then narrowed down by the HNIC. Then he or she picks a few favorites, and has the overworked creative director slap them on the various images being considered for the cover.

The Editor in Chief gets all these versions of the cover and throws them up on a wall side by side by side (at least), then stares at them for hours, if not days, tweaking and re-tweaking until the words and image are perfect, or something like it. This isn’t rocket science, but it’s close.

I assure you that someone(s) thought long and hard about this seemingly blasphemous cover line that’s got everyone so riled up, and in the end said, “f*** yeah! Let’s do it!” and laughed wildly about the sh**-show that was to come, one that was undoubtedly courted and welcomed.

It’s no different than Time putting on the cover a near-four year old kid snacking on his mom’s boob, or Newsweek trying to one-up Time by declaring President Obama "The First Gay President" and giving him a rainbow halo. It’s just like this time last year when VIBE put a bare-chested, tat-covered, C-titty-cup having Rick Ross on the cover of the 2011 Sexy Issue and sat back and waited for the collective, “what the f---?!” that came like clockwork.

The cover line that’s ticked everyone off so is akin to a 6’4 guy calling one of those 5’2 testosterone filled, overly aggressive lil’ dudes “hey, Big Man”  just for kicks. You’ve called him big, but no one thinks he is just cause you said it.  You can call Evelyn and Chrissy and Tamar “hey, role models” and they might answer, but if you have any sense, you're in on the joke, or at least you should be.  It’s the same as a drunk guy yelling at the emperor, “hey, I like your clothes!” And near everyone in the crowd laughs… at the emperor.

Click to read more ...

Essence: Are We Asking Too Much of Black Celebs?

Over the weekend, I caught sight of images from D’Angelo’s first photo shoot in 12 years. Yes, you read that right. D’Angelo — Brown Sugar, Voodoo, “the Next Marvin Gaye” D’Angelo, whose third album we’ve been not-so-patiently waiting for, who is set to give his first U.S. performance in a decade at the ESSENCE Music Festival this July. His hair is still cornrowed (but I’m not even mad), his body is trim — not that it matters, but I know you wondered — and he looks as yummy as he did all those years ago when he was glistened up, staring at the camera, and asking us, all slowly and carefully, “How Does It Feel?”

He’s on his way back to the spotlight, and GQ has the details. Of course, the article tackles the long-awaited answer to where the heck D’Angelo has been all this time. There was a car accident that nearly killed him and a few stints in rehab to treat alcohol abuse and cocaine addiction. But all those were symptoms to distract him from the pressures that arose after he went from successful off of Brown Sugar to superstardom after he appeared seemingly naked in the video for the lead single off Vodoo. (Doesn’t this story sound familiar? Whitney said her downfall was the hype over The Bodyguard.)

Writer Amy Wallace interviewed several entertainers and celebrities to help explain D’Angelo’s decade-plus disappearance. It was a telling observation by (my favorite) comedian Chris Rock that helped to explain what Black celebs are up against.

“Black stardom is rough,” Rock said. “I always say Tom Hanks is an amazing actor and Denzel Washington is a god to his people. If you’re a black ballerina, you represent the race, and you have responsibilities that go beyond your art. How dare you just be excellent?”

I get why this happens, even if I don’t agree that it should. Black folks don’t get enough mainstream positive images of themselves. The larger-than-life figures? The glamorous Hollywood stars or legendary performers? They come too few and far between. Just watch any non-Black awards show and you’ll find about 10 A-list Black faces in a sea of white ones where there are so many blond, lithe “superstars” that they’re nearly indistinguishable.

We don’t have the white privilege of having too many. And so when we get someone who excels, we support and rally around. For a while at least, we uplift; with the best of intentions, we see our “best” as ambassadors to go places we’ll never get invited and open doors we’ll never see, and we beg of them not show their natural behinds when they arrive. We place our “best” folk on pedestals with expectations no human can ever live up to. And on that pedestal, we often don’t allow for growth, missteps or many other things outside of a very narrow box we stuff Black celebrities into.

Read more: here

Essence: Is Celebrity Business Our Business?

Last week, the National Enquirer — not exactly the standard of quality reporting — decided to get all up in actress Raven-Symoné’s business. The tabloid alleged that the child star (The Cosby Show) turned millionaire entertainment mogul has a girlfriend.

I couldn’t be bothered so much to care. One, I don’t freak out about folks not being straight; and two, admittedly, I have a soft spot for Olivia — I mean, Raven, who is currently starring in Sister Act on Broadway (and receiving rave reviews). I watched her grow up on TV and I’ve always respected her hustle in front of and, more importantly, behind the camera. She’s a young shot-caller. And in an age when reality stars have become celebrities by selling the most salacious aspects of their lives and young women clamor for the spotlight by any means necessary, Raven’s managed to keep it old-school in the best way possible: displaying talent instead of sex.

I actually didn’t expect her to respond to the allegations. She’s always been as tight-lipped about her personal life as the consistently closed-lip smile she sports on red carpets. But maybe she was feeling feisty when she took to Twitter to set the record straight.

“I'm living my personal life the way I'm happiest,” wrote Raven. “I'm not one, in my 25 year career to disclose who I'm dating. And I shall not start now. My sexual orientation is mine, and the person I'm dating to know. I'm not one for a public display of my life... My career is the only thing I would like to put on display, not my personal life. Kisses!”

Many who read her response dissected it for what it may have really meant since she didn’t declare whether she was straight, lesbian or otherwise. But they overlooked, perhaps willingly, the whole point.

Somewhere along the way, many of us picked up the idea that we have a right to know everything about the private lives of celebrities — from where they shop to what — and apparently even who — they do. I’ve heard Beyoncé, notoriously private, get called out for not leaking pictures of her exposed pregnant belly, or not uncovering baby Blue when she’s being carried in public. I’ve read an article about Jay-Z’s so-called obligation to reveal pictures of him doting on his new daughter to send a message to young Black men about the importance of fatherhood. Tyra caught hell for not speaking about her then-boyfriend of three years and the Smiths — Will and Jada — still catch heat for not doing more to dispel rumors that their marriage is intact.

Read more: here 

The Root: What Can I Do to Make Him Upgrade Me?

What should I do about a guy friend I really love and care about -- and I know he cares for me -- who has said he doesn't see me as his life partner? I am heartbroken and at a loss for words. Other folks see what I see whenever we are together. Should I say something again or wait on him? --H.B.

I'm sorry to hear that you are in pain, but don't allow your grief to cloud your judgment. The person you care so much about has made it clear that he is not interested in pursuing a relationship with you, much less marriage. He has been up-front and, so it seems, upstanding. And he has made a decision about what he wants. What "other folks" think or see, and even what you think, doesn't matter. No means no. Respect his candor and his feelings, and also keep a little of your pride by not pushing this issue any further.

You seem to have invested a lot of emotional energy into this friendship and have become a bit deluded about what was occurring between you and him. You note that you love and care about him but describe how he "cares" for you -- no mention of love. This points to an imbalance in the feelings between the two of you.

You are also "at a loss for words" over a man telling you he doesn't want to spend his life with you. I'm curious why you even thought he would. He was "only" a friend, not even a boyfriend. If he had not committed to the foreseeable future and did not love you, as you implicitly acknowledge, what made you think that he was remotely interested in forever-ever?

The options you suggest for dealing with this issue won't only strain the existing friendship; they will also embarrass you and leave you further depleted in the long run. Often how this scenario plays out is the guy flat out rejects you again, which means he's actually doing you a favor. Or, worse, he occupies his downtime with you despite not wanting a full-blown relationship, and you continue to pursue his affections. This is a mistake that many women make while dating, one that can lead to bitter spirits and broken hearts.

You're painting yourself into a gray area. He's not entirely right for accepting your ego-stroking attention or bed-warming affection, but he's not exactly wrong, either. After all, he's done his part by telling you what the situation is -- that it's nothing serious and going nowhere -- and as you continue to pursue him, you're tacitly accepting that you're OK with that arrangement.

Read more: here

Clutch: Just Room for One

Photo courtesy of Clutch

Around this time last year, I was sitting in a WEEN strategy meeting alongside some of the best and brightest Black and female minds in the entertainment biz. We were discussing the possible syllabus of a summer bootcamp of sorts for college-aged women who were interested in following in our footsteps. What do they need to know most? I, of course, started talking about self-worth, dating, and healthy relationships, the cornerstone of what I do. Other women threw out varying tips gleaned from their own professional realms. It was what a cable media personality said that stayed with me. She spoke of the “Just One” concept that pervades Black women’s professional lives and pits us against one another. The idea is there’s just room for one, and every Black woman in your field is your competitor for that sole spot at the top. You may have to battle it out with everyone else, but that other Black girl, she’s the realest threat to your success.

Perhaps it’s an idea that’s placed on us from the corporations that write checks and add a Black girl to their line-ups for diversity. Perhaps it’s one built from insecurity. But it exists, and whether self-generated or not, it holds us back. “We should teach them to build together,” the media personality said (or something like it).  “You can go fast alone, you can get further together.”

As I nodded my head, and jotted down a quick summary of her words, a reminder to blog about the topic (which I never did), I thought about a then-recent episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show, where she confronted Whoopi Goldberg about the bad blood between them that had existed since The Color Purple in 1985. As newcomers to the world of film, they were both nominated for an Academy Award. It was a “given” that they wouldn’t both win, so the questions hanging over their head were would it be Whoopi or Oprah. It created a false rivalry.

Their exchange on The Oprah Winfrey Show in 2011 was something akin to what would take place over a junior high cafeteria table.

Oprah: “Why are you mad at me?”

Whoopi (who despite being the only Black woman to have an Oscar, a Grammy, a Tony, and an Emmy had never appeared on Oprah’s show previously): “I’m not mad at you. I thought you were mad at me.”

They had bought into the Just One hype, the same as Naomi and Tyra, who infamously had a face-off onThe Tyra Banks Show and discovered a decade and a half late that there was no real beef. It played out about the same with Alicia and India.Aire when they debuted albums in 2001 and it’s still playing out with Nicki and Kim, once Nik’s obvious icon, who she now refers to in song as a “stupid hoe.”

I’ve watched the “Just One” phenomenon play out in my own life, too. 

Read more: here