You don't "work it out" with a man who is married and has lied to you for over a year.
He has no intentions of leaving his wife, hence why you got cut when the wife returned. She takes priority over you.
You are in love with the man he led you to believe he is. That person does not exist. The person you are actually dealing with is a liar, cheater and manipulator. If will do this to his wife, what better do you think he will do to you?
Cut your losses. You can do better than a married man.
no, the answer is the truth. and it's nothing wrong with saying so. not sure why he's taken such offense.
it does sound like he was looking for something to be upset about. you two are in a relationship, so the answer doesn't even apply to him. also, sounds like he's controlling and manipulative. I say that because silent treatment and questioning paternity are EXTREME reactions because he doesn't like an offhand comment.
You're going to have a tough time dealing with him as a father to your child. You two need to have a sit down to discuss the ways you handle anger and conflict.
You do deserve better than him. When ANYBODY tells you that you deserve better, believe them.
It probably hurts doubly bad because you were engaged in a relationship that you KNOW is wrong, and you did a lot of mental contortions to make it okay in your head. And in the end, HE called it off. You put yourself in a less-than spot for him and then he turned around and didn't want you still.
In order to move through this, you're going to have to come to some tough realizations about how you think of yourself, and the boundaries you're willing to erase just to have a man.
There's a lot of self-love lacking when a woman is willing to play second-fiddle to another woman and deal with a man who lies and deceives. If you need help building your self-esttem and overcoming this situation: coachedbybelle at gmail dotcom
You can't. He's told you that "he doesn't want to try". You can't build a relationship by yourself.
You're ignoring what he's said and trying to force your will upon him. That doesn't work.
Also, the "you didn't love me in the beginning" is an excuse. He stuck around six years since that point and made children with you. This sounds more like he just doesn't want the responsibility of being a full-time family man anymore.
Working on yourself is something you should do for you. But he's intentionally given you a reason that can't be fixed. More or less, he's told you that nothing you do will make it better.
I know it hurts, and it's not what you want, but listen to him. It will save you MORE heartache.
For that man? Yes. Even if he "promoted" her to the number one spot, he'll never really trust her or take her seriously.
Even if she becomes the main, she just opened up a spot for her previous position. She'll never be an "only."
The side chick always gets bashed because of sexism, loosely that means, whenever possible blame the woman, ignore the man's role.
Arrange a family dinner at the house (comfortable territory for kids) and give them a heads up that Mommy's boyfriend will be joining them. Answer as many questions as possible that the children have about him before he gets there.
It's been two years. You're well beyond the time he should have met your family and into the safe zone.
If you two were not in a relationship, he's free to do whatever he wants with whoever he wants. Talking about getting back together and working things out is not actually being in a relationship. It actually is being single.
The problem here is that he lied; he didn't cheat on you.
It takes more than love to build a relationship. Being in college and at two separate schools, the expectation of monogamy is far-fetched. I'd suggest you move on and if maybe reconsider if you're ever in the same state and within driving distance from each other.
He's getting ready to go back to her.
In general, I'm not a fan of ultimatums. But he's being profoundly disrespectful to you in the way that he's carrying on with his ex. Tell him it's either you or her. He can't have both. Unfortunately, based on what you're describing, it's likely going to be her.
He will continue with this as long as you allow it. The ex doesn't care.
Dear Belle, I recently broke up with this guy we were off and on for about 2 years we got back together in may and we were doing amazing plans of marriage kids everything but I recently broke up with him because I felt something wasn't right he said he didnt want me working or anything he wanted me to stay home spoil myself and enjoy life. I broke up with him because I was scared I was going to lose my independence if I followed along with those plans I love him I do and when we talk he says he loves and misses me what should I do I do know I want to be with him...... HELP !!
Ok. What's different? You aren't onboard with his plan to be a stay-at-home wife. Has that changed now that he's back? Is he now more open to what your plans for your future are and willing to support them?
Did you ever figure out what that something isn't right thing is? Has it been addressed and solved?
If nothing's changed, this isn't going anywhere healthy. Feelings are cute, but there are other practical things that relationships need, like supporting each other's dreams.
Yes, you should just focus on you. You are making another horrible choice.
Please stop having sex when you not sure if you have an STD, and GET TESTED for STIS and HIV before you have sex again with anyone.
Additionally, you are describing a man who is emotionally and physically abusive AND who offers you no accountability.
He exhibits every red flag in the book. Walk, don't run to the nearest exit. I know you want to be in a relationship, but this is not the man for you. You will continue to have a bad track record with men until you learn your worth as a woman and raise your standards. If you need help: coachedbybelle at gmail dot com
It's nice when you love others. You have to love you too.
Being afraid isn't going to get you any answers or sex or save your relationship. You want to have sex, you're going to have to address the issue.
Do so under the guise of concern. "I know this is an awkward conversation, but we need to discuss it. I am worried... " And tell him what's on your mind, mainly that he hasn't been able to perform sexually and you want to know what, if anything, he's willing to do to address this-- like visit his doctor.
Stick to the facts. Don't use judgment words.
He's in the Army. There's no telling what horrors he's dealing with while he's away. And that may have something to do his behavior. And/or he just doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore and this is his way of "saying" so. Maybe he met someone while he was gone.
That said, you're not obligated to put up with being mistreated. And that's what it is when you're boyfriend ignores you and makes everyone else a priority over you. Oh, and is trashing your house.
I'm glad you ended the relationship. But I'm confused as to why you expected him to stay in touch or leave your pictures up.
His actions while home made it clear he wasn't interested in a relationship or you anymore. Why would you expect him to keep in touch or keep your pictures up? When it's over, it's over.
You're focusing on the wrong thing. It doesn't matter if it's love or lust if it's dysfunctional, and that is what this situation is.
Case in point:
* I don't feel all the love from him that I felt over the phone
*over and over he lets me down and hurts me
*I moved in what was suppose to be our house and he's a basically a no show
Why did you agree to move in with a man who it sounds like you are not even in a relationship with and if you are, who has been consistently wishy-washy?
It sounds like you a want a husband so bad that any person-- no matter how they treat you-- will do. You've ignored SEVERAL red flags.
You can have a husband. But this guy isn't the one. Cut your losses and don't waste anymore of your pretty.
Nothing. He's not your man. You have no say so whatsoever in where he goes, how he moves, or who he visits.
This is the dating phase. If you're not comfortable with how he lives, then walk. You are not obligated to deal with this.
You're playing in dirt and you're about to get dirty.
The parents hanging out is on the parents. Let your families be close, as awkward as that has to be for his new wife. That doesn't mean you and he need to remain close.
It doesn't matter why he married her or what he was about to do with you before he found out she was pregnant. The fact is he CHOSE to end his plans with you and is now married to her. He wanted to marry her, or else he wouldn't have. It's not 1950. He wasn't being forced by society to "do the right thing."
These "in contact" scenarios never start as inappropriate, but you know and I know he has no business contacting you. You're his ex who still obviously has a thing for him, and you don't really respect the circumstances of his relationship. You think it should have been you. It's all over your letter.
It's nothing inappropriate-- YET! Get out before you get further in and end up like Mary Jane.
Why are you in this relationship?
From what you've said here, you're not a priority in his life, he allows his friends to disrespect you, he dismisses your opinion, he doesn't support you, he makes reckless and unfounded accusations about you and on top of all that -- which many women would have left over just one of those descriptions— you have to reach in your purse to pay his way when you go out.
You are being used, and you are being mistreated, and you DON"T have to put up with this. Why are you?
Focus on your best traits and what you have to offer. Make a list and post it where you can see it, if that will help remind you.
The biggest difference between people who are confident and those who aren't is confident people focus on their best traits instead of their worst. You can be a confident woman too. There's nothing stopping you, but you.
The hurt is part of the dating world. Every guy is not going to be a match, and some will lead you along and drop you. And that does hurt sometimes. You can tip the odds in your favor better by taking your time to get to know people before you invest in them. A conversation, a date is an interview period, a way to get to know someone. It's not a promise of anything, and your only goal should be to learn them better and have a good time. If something eventually comes of that? Great. If not, move on.
You're past is interfering with your present. I get the bond that you have with your ex, but that relationship is putting your current relationship in jeopardy, especially when because of your prior emotional bond, your current lady may not feel like there is a space for her in your life. She may not stick around to play second.
You're going to have to choose which lady matters more and act accordingly.
Your words say that your bond with your ex isn't a threat. Your actions need to match that.
Conversing with random folks is fine. Twitter and Facebook, the public side of it, are made for that. It's not the additions that are the issue, its the inappropriate conversations.
But the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is a euphemism for "I don't want to do this anymore". Not surprised to hear you broke up after that.
It sounds like you want to be with him at any cost and will ignore a red flag. And it sounds like he doesn't know what he wants. And you BOTH will continue in this confusion until one of you breaks the cycle by saying "enough!" Since you're asking, let that be you.
It's an issue for BOTH of you as it affects the relationship.
You should meet them so you can gauge for yourself what the nature of the relationships are. They were around before you and have been around for five years. This aren't just passing friendships. After all this time, it's safe to say he genuinely cherishes these friendships, including the ex. Just because people once slept together does not mean that they can not have a genuine friendship. And again, you've got five years of nothing suspicious going on.
It's been five years, I'm surprised to hear this is just now coming up now. But I suppose, better late than never. If you still have issues about something that happened five years ago re: the wedge, bring it up so it can be resolved once and for all. And then drop it. Part of making a healthy relationship is moving on and not dwelling in the past.
You were in an abusive relationship. You don't just "get over" all that happened when you break up or meet someone else.
You need to speak to a therapist. And yes, you need to speak to your new man about it. If you're having flashbacks, you're also likely exhibiting other post-traumatic signs. BF has likely noticed something is up. This isn't a secret you should keep from him.
he said he had legitimate reason why and he cant say it cus it is disclose. do you think he may come back to me. and can u tell me why he really cut me off
He said, he wanted more from you. You'd have to ask him what that is. I can't guess at that. "Starting to plan something" isn't actually doing anything. Perhaps he was tired of waiting. It sounds like you just weren't what he was looking for, and perhaps, he found someone who was.
But bottomline this though: he's looking, but taking no action, and he balked and won't tell you. There's nothing for you to do here, but MOVE ON.
And kudos to him for not talking to your friend about it. It's not her place to ask. Question: have you asked him?
You're saying something during the early conversations that is a turn-off. Maybe it's oversharing, maybe it's being negative or being too needy. Those are three major upfront turn-offs. I can't tell you exactly without speaking with you.
If you'd like help: coachedbybelle at gmail dot com.
The only men who will be scared off are the ones that are not up for the responsibility of a relationship. If stating what you want scares him off, then it's best that he's gone.
That said, be mindful of when you say what you're looking for. You actually need to get to know the person and evaluate them to know if they're even worth wanting "more" from. Saying "I'm looking for a relationship" to someone you barely know will be a turn off because you sound needy/desperate, not necessarily because you "just" want a relationship
He's in a relationship. This is going nowhere.
Tell him he has to chose. Give him a deadline, and don't speak to him until he gives an answer.
Unfortunately, it's going to be her. There's a reason he hasn't broken up with her. Good, bad or indifferent, he wants to be there.
There are red flags all through your letter. You KNOW something is not right, you just don't know what and you don't want to believe it or deal with the fall out.
You call your intuition "a gift from God" so you KNOW that "something is not right" You also know when you go against it you "find [your]self in trouble." That's what's going to happen if you continue on knowing that something about your man isn't right.
You've brought it up to him and you don't believe what he's saying. Trust yourself enough to believe in yourself and go your separate ways.
Last, it's nice that you're Italian and he's Black. But race has nothing to do with this scenario.
This will go on for as long as you allow it too. You're doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship and he's cheated more than once. What more does he need to do to show you how uncommitted he is to this relationship?
You love him. That's really sweet. But you have to love you too. What does loving him really count for when he's talking you for granted and cheating all over town.
You never had a Cinderella picture-- which to be clear, only exists in fairytales-- if your man was cheating all over the place and not putting any effort at home. Your "prince" hasn't been so charming.
He's not the perfect guy for you. The "perfect guy" doesn't "constantly disappear" by ducking in and out of your life and leaving you high and dry. It's a red-flag that he doesn't think highly of you and that he is emotionally unavailable.
"having feelings" means little when he doesn't treat you well, ie, keeps going AWOL on you.
school and "busy" are excuses. men in school and busy lives are fully capable of staying in touch.
this cycle of him going in and out of your life will persist as long as you allow it to. call it a wrap and find someone who can actually be reliable.
"I am not ready to be in a relationship". What did I do wrong.
He doesn't want to commit, which he should have said before he had sex with you. Another option is that he wasn't satisfied with the sex or felt guilty after because of the friendship.
Either way, LISTEN. I know you have feelings. He just told you that he does not.
Hopefully, in time, you both can move past this and remain friends.
Tell him his approach is a turn off and what works for you. If he can't get on board with something so basic, then ask him not to call you.
You're not obligated to entertain every man who calls you.
Unfortunately, you don't always get an answer to "why"? Focus on the bottomline here: he's gone. Accept it and deal with the hurt, set a time to mourn and move on. Don't let it linger over you or it will sabotage your chances at love moving forwad
It's unfortunate you were hurt the first time that you let your guard down. It's a risk we all take when we're looking for love. The great thing about broken hearts is that they mend, when you don't hold on to resentment.
I assume you're talking about herpes?
People do it all the time. It's not guaranteed that you'll get it. But you do have to be fastidious about using condoms and have great communication with your partner about what's going on health-wise.
The is no definitive amount of time. It's when its right for BOTH parties in the relationship.
If you've been in a relationship for years and one of you is not willing to take it to the next level, you need to consider whether you want the partner more than the marriage, which you may not get.
You do deserve better than the types that you have listed. And you deserve better than the ex who cheated, who is NOT a friend. He cheated on you. He's not your friend. Why he's become your confidant AFTER he betrayed you is confusing.
No, you should not settle for the ex or for any of the men you listed.
You need a different social circle if the events and activities you attend don't offer any options. To get something you've never had, you need to do something you've never done. Also, head online where you options to meet men that you may not encounter in your current day-to-day life.
No, you are not wrong.
She should not remain friends with the woman she cheated on you with. It is disrespectful to your relationship. You should have put your foot down about heir friendship when you agreed to stay with her after she cheated on you.
You don't need to give the girl a chance. You don't go be-friending the person your mate cheated on you with and she shouldn't be friends with her either. That she is, is wildly ridiculous.
Your girlfriends suggesting that you all be friends is bizarre, and leads me to believe that there is something more to this so-called "friendship", even now. That you have to disassociate from the person you cheat with when you stay in the relationship, is basic.
I'm not usually one for ultimatums, but this situation has elevated beyond normal. Tell her to call the friendship off or you're out.
Congratulations to you on growing. That's what you're supposed to do. In fact, if you're not growing, you're dying. And though it may be difficult to have friends that don't support your progress, I'm glad you are staying true to the improved you. That takes courage. Kudos.
People are around for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Some of the friends you describe aren't "lifers". Be thankful for the good times shared with the people you've described. But it's time to find new friends who will uplift and embrace your positive changes instead of trying to pull you down. You don't deal with people who are trying to stunt your positive growth.
They are angry because they have the same 24 hours in a day and they haven't put them to use as you have. They didn't do the work, don't have the reward and they are angry. It's not really at you. It's at themselves.
You had ONE Skype conversation with him, then blasted him because someone else posted a picture of him? And you don't even know when it was taken? He didn't do it, someone else did. And even if it was his girl, YOU HAD ONE CONVERSATION WITH HIM.
The correct response here was to ASK him what's up, and if you didn't get a logical response, to bail. You completely overreacted here.
Additionally, that he went back and told the girl and that got back to you tells me he is messy.
He hasn't contacted you because he doesn't want to talk to you. Actions speak louder that words. I can't much blame him here.
Cut your losses, and MOVE ON. You have nothing but a Skype chat invested here.
Uh... you are not an ATM. if you want to give money to your husband, that's cool. But a date or boyfriend? Absolutely not.
A man needs to make his own money and if he doesn't have it, he can call his mama or his boys. He's not to ask him woman for money (and for clarity, I also don't advocate for non-wives asking for money. It's not a date or BF responsibility. )
Finance conversations are for folks who are engaged and/or are sharing expenses. Until then, it's none of anyone else's business other than the IRS.
It'll be two years. That's a good time when you're with the man of your dreams and everyone- you, the kids, the fan-- is in love with him.
This doesn't get better, unfortunately. It stays this way or it gets worse. You've seen the ebb and flow, but no change, over the last seven years. He is who he is and you have to decide if you're willing to deal with his shortcomings and be "the responsible" one. Are you?
Unfortunately, people don't come in perfect packages. Is the love and respect enough to stay? That's something only you can decide.
You've got to give him a "Come to Jesus" talk. He's had some family issues, ok. It's not okay to just ignore you. Tell him what you want from him specifically and that you're not okay with being ignored. Add you deserve better.
That's a Hail Mary. What this sounds like is he is on his way out and he doesn't know how to say so. He'll just distance himself until you break up with him.
Guys know the basics they are supposed to do in relationships-- like spend time with their GFs. He's choosing not to do it.
It's always nice when folks show compassion when you cry. But I need more evidence of emotional unavailability to suggest you leave or even to categorize him as emotionally unavailable.
MOST men don't know what to do with woman tears, and many consider it manipulation when you do it during or after an argument.
Have you told him what you want him to do when you cry? If no, tell him.
Just finished reading your fave--Clutch: Solution to Marriage ‘Crisis’: SBW Should Just Marry Each Other and since I'm not interested in that option--I was wondering where are the best places to meet professional black men?
Um. You did realize that was sarcasm, correct?
Professional organizations, volunteer work, and fraternity events are all great options. So is any restaurant of gym near an office building during lunch or right after work. Black tech conferences are also a GREAT and under recognized locale.
Last thing: women often make a bad habit of trying to find "professional" men in packs. You actually meet more men in passing as you go through life than you ever will at any event. The guy you see in line at the bank, or shopping in the drug store, or a guy at a cook out can all be "professional" black men.
Unfortunately, there's not much you can do here. What's done is done.
If the situation or relationship isn't working for you, then it's time to go. You don't stick around in a bad situation because he's "your first."
And since sex clearly "means something" to you, take your time to get to know a guy and enter a relationship before you have sex again.
Your family knows you better than I do, so you may want to listen to that assessment and work on it.
There may be something else going on, but I would need to talk to you to figure that out.
If you'd like help: CoachedbyBelle at gmail dotcom
No, honey. He's having unprotected sex with another woman and could bring anything back to you. You were carrying his baby and he was cheating. C'mon.
I know you're in love with him. But you have to love you too, boo.
It hurts. It will hurt worse the longer you stay in a clearly dysfunctional relationship. There are just certain lines that don't get crossed. Sexing the other woman with no condom and while you are pregnant is one of them.
Don't believe the hype. The vast majority of Black men date and marry Black women.
And yes, Black men like confident women. Don't let the Internet trolls and misogynists and horrible articles about Black women being unwanted taint your view of Black men or Black relationships. Even with the most negative reigning statistics about Black marriage, the numbers always revealed there were more married Black women than not. Don't believe the hype.
If you're worried about perpetual singlehood, make time for dating & relationships and learning how to interact with men in an effective way to give yourself the best shot at having a mate.