Ask Demetria: Um… Your Ex is Not Your Friend


Dear Demetria:

My ex and I remained friends after our breakup. He has a girlfriend now, but he’s constantly telling me he wants to be with me and the only reason he’s with her is because we’re not together. I think he told me he’s thinking about marrying her to get a reaction from me. How do I get him to see I’m fine with being friends? —S.M.

You’re not friends with your ex. A friend doesn’t “constantly” tell you that he wants to be in a relationship with you even when you’re both single, and especially not when he’s in a relationship. Friends also don’t ignore your boundaries. You’ve said “no” several times, and he continues to push up on you despite you trying to shut him down. That’s ignoring what you want and pushing his own agenda. Your ex is your ex. And he’s very shady.

But this uncomfortable situation isn’t all on him. You’re participating in this by continuing to engage him, and you need to take accountability for that. You know that he is in a relationship, you know that he is being continually disrespectful to his girlfriend—and to you—and yet you continue to speak to him. You’re saying no, but every time you’ve answered the phone or responded to a text after he’s pushed up on you, your actions are saying, “well, maybe.” He keeps approaching you about wanting to be with you because he’s going by what you do, not what you say.

Surely there are many things that you like about your ex, which is why you have continued to communicate with him under the guise of friendship. It sounds like he may still have feelings for you, and he moved on to another relationship before they were fully resolved. Let’s “keep it 100”: One of the reasons you continue to speak to him, despite your protests, is that the attention and the interest are flattering to your ego.

Who doesn’t like to hear from someone they cared for that they miss you, made a mistake and want a second chance with you? And you probably like the idea that he’s saying in so many words that he’s not all that satisfied with the woman who came after you, and he perceives you as better than she.

You’re not interested, otherwise you wouldn’t keep telling him no. But you like that he is, or you wouldn’t keep talking to him. You don’t want him, but you want him to want you. That’s all ego, and you shouldn’t let it get the best of you or continue to fuel this drama, because, really, that’s what this is.


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This Post Has 6 Comments

  1. Khalessi says:

    I always thought when people still communicate with an ex, that is still showing sings interest, it was mainly for an ego boost.

  2. Say that, Demetria! You are exactly right. Move along to a healthier relationship, S.M.

  3. The word X means no more. Some x’s. Just don’t get it! Damn go away.. Move on.

  4. AOL says:

    I realized few days ago that that’s what I was doing with my Ex.
    We grew up together in our relationship (from 19 to 25 y-o), and at first I wanted to keep the brotherhood aspect of our relation to feel safer and not alone in this big bold world (and yes I might have been secretely expecting him to come around even if I kept saying that I need to focus on me). We’ve been separated for two years now. He’s had girlfriends and kept coming at me even if I rejected him (because I knew he wouldn’t comit to me the way I wanted him to).
    I don’t know when but somewhere in the process the need to be in touch became more about my ego than me caring about out bound.

    So thanks for confirming me that.

  5. RennieGriff says:

    I think that it is okay to be friends with people after being in a relationship…it all depends on the person/people involved. Not all relationships end on a bad note, some people really just grow apart and realize that they are not meant to be together in this life.

    With that being said, this is a case where it is best to sever ties and go in your own direction. A person who clearly does not respect the boundaries of his own relationship not to mention your repeated declines to his propositions shows his true character. BUT, you have to recognize the role you play in it as well.

    Great article.

  6. Madi Brown says:

    Madi Brown couldn’t agree more with you Demetria. It takes two to tango, and someone needs to end the dance. Especially because—the da#% music isn’t playing any longer.

    For Reals, and Love you the most,
    Madi Brown

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