Ask FM UPDATE 2 : #justthetip

This was my face, the first time I read this..

Dear Demetria:

“I accidentally took my girl’s virginity. I know how this sounds, but I swear it was a weird accident. My girl wants to wait until marriage. In the meantime, we do everything but penetration. Last night, we humping. I got her legs on my shoulder and I’m moving. I made a wrong move or something.

#Accident!!! The next thing I know, I’m in. But not all the way in, just the tip. My girl starts screaming and punching me. She’s asking me what did I just do. She telling me I ruined her virginity and this wasn’t how she wanted to lose it. I feel like sh-, man. Unfixable or nah? PS: I love her.

—   Anonymous


This is much.

Let me start with the obvious. If you’re not trying to have sex for whatever reason, it’s just not a good idea to get naked, at least below the waist, and start grinding with someone you’re in love with, or anyone, really. Life and biology and sh- happen. But you know this now. So going forward, at least one of ya’ll needs to keep some underwear on if you don’t want this to happen again. Preferably “the” both of you.

Also, if you’re gonna go this route of everything-but-penetration, then condoms need to be used. I’m not saying you “have anything”. I’m saying you both don’t need to “have anything”, as in a baby. You don’t necessarily need to put all the penis in to get her pregnant.

And because I’m assuming hoping you’re both really young, and it seems neither of you has had a proper sex talk or sex education, I’ll add that if you’ve had sex before, you need to get tested for STIs, including HIV, to protect yourself and your girlfriend.

Now for the most uncomfortable part of this conversation, which is two parts:

It’s confusing to me—and many readers—how you were able to enter your girlfriend, even with the tip, with such ease.

“It’s been awhile since I’ve even seen a virgin” said a friend in his mid-30s. “But I’m 90 percent sure you don’t just find yourself in The Promised Land.  I don’t want to get too graphic, but it’s been a couple times it’s been impossible, like, “’Maybe we should try this another time….’, ‘Not sure this is working’.”

Another guy, also in his 30s, added, “Wait! Sooooooo you just slip in on a virgin? That’s now it works.,. That’s not how any of this works.”

So, if the details you gave about your action are accurate, there are two possibilities that stand out:

A) This ain’t the first time this—or more— has happened with your girl. She may not have sex with you, she may not have even had sex. But there has been some sexual activity in the area either with you or prior to you.

B) You forced your penis in her vagina, which since you know she didn’t want you to— despite the legs and uncovered vagina— is… rape-y.  I hesitate to call it rape because if I’m not being feminist –PC, I honestly get how you could think in the moment, “she wants this D!” when you’re looking at her vagina, she’s got her legs spread in the air in front of you.

The screaming and the hitting don’t bode well for you. She could have been in pain from you putting your penis—even the tip—in. Or she could have felt that you violated her. Or it could be both. That’s where this story gets weird. I would love to know her version of it.

I pray Option A is most applicable here:  she’s had some experience, you haven’t had enough, and ish just kind of happened, as it’s prone to when two naked people grind on each other.

Your girlfriend also has to take some responsibility here. Grinding with naked sexual parts was more likely to lead to this outcome— and more— than not. And she’s sending profoundly mixed signals. She can set her boundaries with her body however she likes, but essentially telling a man “grind your naked penis on my naked vagina, but don’t stick it in” is just poor judgment.  If she wants to remain a virgin until marriage, then she needs not place her naked vagina in the clear and obvious vicinity of a naked penis.

Still. She’s pissed, so you got to make this better. Apologize, explain, apologize again. Offer to abstain from this “everything but” activity for awhile so she knows you’re serious. And when it starts back up again—because it will—for the love of Hova, keep your draws on. And you need to wear a condom just in case. I’m saying. I’ve been 18. Life happens. Be safe when it does.

Oh, and the relationship is likely fixable. Her virginity… no, that’s not how it works. Once it’s gone, it’s gone.

So, I posted this query as the “QOTD” on Instagram this morning and readers were too through with this story. 300 comments on Instagram, 100+ on FB, and RPs and “shares” everywhere. Fortunately, or un-, depending on the perspective, the OP (original poster) was reading all of your comments. (This is why I delete/block people who insult the posters. Critique the behavior, not the person.) Anyway, the OP wrote back in to clear some things up, and provide some more details:

#OP Accident!!! Man, some of your people’s are hard on a Bruh. I didn’t rape my girl. It was an accident! When I say we do everything but [sex], I mean like head, I use my fingers and now her toy that her big sister brought her for her 18th birthday. I’m not some loser trying to get some.

#Accident!!! This our last year of high school. When we graduate I’m going to marry her.Our moms just going to have to be mad. I want her to be a honest woman. I love her so I want to do right by her. So we are getting married, get a place and go to college together. That’s the plan.

Thanks for clearing that up.

Um… your GF’s virgin status is highly questionable.  Again, I’m not saying she’s been penetrated by someone else, but toys and fingers and tongues in vagina aren’t how virginity works. Send her this way is she needs clarification.;

Good luck on the marriage. And college.

So. The young man who wrote in intitally, wrote it again after he showed this post to his girlfriend. Then they write in together. Her take on this? More or less, The Holy Bible says no sex, but it doesn’t outlaw any of the stuff- toys, fingers, mouths— that her and her BF are currently doing. They’re keeping it Christian. Check it out:

“#ACCIDENT! showed my girl your answer here is her answer: “I grew up in a Christian house, where we were taught about being pure and holy. No one talks about needs or how to be pure if your horny. Ot even what to do when your horny other then prayer. No where in the bible does it say no oral…”

I admit, I haven’t been to church in a minute. But I used to go. And my grandfather was a pastor. I sat through a LOT of Bible study and sermons as a kid and teenage girl.

From what I recall about religion and sex, penis penetration, toys, masturbation, fingering, oral sex-giving and receiving- are all off limits to unmarried Christian folk.

Again, your body, your choice. But if you’re trying to abide by the Christian way, until you’re married, everything you’re currently doing sexually with your boyfriend is off limits.

“#Accident!!! Both of us want to tell you thank you. I thought I would have to talk to my mother about it. dude she would have beat our asses

lol. I got you. Just wrap it up. And wear your draws.”

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This Post Has 8 Comments

  1. Quaysab says:

    Lol, I must admit I did get a good laugh out of this.

    Lord have mercy-a “virgin” using toys and tongues and fingers? That explains A LOT. Lol, doing all of that sort of defeats the purpose of not having the actual penetration. lol, and poor poor 18 y.o boy. It must have been torture to watch a toy slide up in his girl alllll those times (I’m assuming it was alll those times) and not be able to go “in” your actual self. And then when you actually do go “in” your actual self, lol, it’s an accident and you get punched. And I’m assuming she’s not been 18 too, too long (after all, it only lasts a year) so good Lord, WHERE/HOW is this child getting toys? I know they aren’t having pre-teen passion parties these days.

    Smh. They are young indeed. And I’m only 23. My how time flies. He’ll laugh about this later when he’s like…27 or so.

  2. Luvvie says:

    Aawww bless both their hearts.

  3. Lexie says:

    This is proof that us Christians need to start opening our eyes and having better talks with our children regarding sex. My husband grew up in a household like this girls and there were 4 teenage pregnancies in just the immediate family alone. One of them has said “I didn’t think I could get pregnant the first time I had sex.” We need to stop burying our heads in the sand and thinking that saying “no sex” is enough for our kids to understand.

    • Losh says:

      I grew up in an extremely Christian household where the extent of my Sex Ed was “Just don’t do it. ” Not that my mother didn’t tell me clinically how sex worked, she just neglected to tell me how sex worked emotionally and mentally, things that could have kept me from being manipulated through sex. For instance, it would have been great to know that a man wanting to have sex with you doesn’t necessarily correlate with how beautiful and desirable you really are, that in some instances all he wants is sex. Or how to tell the difference. Or that sex can feel physically good-but how much better it is when you have a real heartfelt connection with your partner, a partner who understands your sexual needs and wants and is willing to explore these with you. OR-this is a biggie, for me anyway-the difference between sex and true intimacy.

      I am raising my children in the same faith, and I try to give them the information they need to make decisions regarding their bodies and sexuality, both my daughter and my sons.

  4. tmlgwriter says:

    Dang, Demetria. I was trying to stay away from this post. Lol. Okay…no Boo. What you’re not going to use some extremely, barely there technical loophole in our faith to justify your behavior. Either you are going to have sex or you’re not but the stuff that you’ve being doing falls in to the former category not the latter. And if you need scripture to get you together then here you go….1 Thessalonians 5:22 - “Abstain from all appearance of evil.” So if fornication is sin, then I would say that your activities are as close to “appearance” as one can get. Oh and then there’s this pesky little passage that says, “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity…because these are improper for God’s holy people.” - Ephesians 5:3. “Immorality” is such a broad catch-all and translations vary as to what Paul meant but again, it’s safe to say that IF you are a believer (and I realize there are folks here who are not and don’t agree with this…but I’m speaking to her in the language that she understands) and want to abstain from sex until marriage…living holy and pure before God…then dildos, fingers, and legs up on your man’s shoulder…yeah, all that…probably is included in this passage.

    It’s a shame that no believer has talked to you about the complexities of growing up and wrestling honestly with issues around sex and sexuality. That’s a sad trend in our faith. But know this…what you are doing (fingers, toys, etc) has the same physical (you’re having orgasms right? Gosh I hope you are, at least) spiritual and emotional impact on you as actual intercourse. So huh, no…you don’t get any passes. Either own your behavior or stop it altogether.

  5. JoyMH says:

    LMAO!!!! These crazy kids…somebody gone end up pregnant if they don’t cut it out all the way. In the words of Bruno Mars, “Don’t believe me, just watch!”

  6. KL says:

    Digital (finger) sex, oral sex that’s all still sex. “Sex” is oral sex’s last name! I’m not giving these kids too much heat. For the record though, neither one of these people are virgins. Sounds to me like they’ve been engaging in a LOT of sex. Lesbians have the kinds of sex they’re talking about and nobody says that they’re still virgins.

    Honestly though it doesn’t matter to me.

    What these kids REALLY need to know is that I had this EXACT SAME “accident” on September 10, 1997. The dude was a friend who came to my house to “comfort” me after a terrible tragedy happened in the neighborhood. This non-penetrative/ barely penetrative accident resulted in pregnancy for us. Our son is now 16.5. I know for sure that it was that day because it happened during my period of celibacy. That was the ONLY sexual contact I had in all of 1997.

    What this young couple should also know is that for women you’re the most horny when you’re the most fertile. Be careful out there kids!

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