Ask Demetria: Is Getting Revenge on An Ex Worth It?

Torrei Hart, Kevin’s ex, is co-starring on VH1′s new show, “Atlanta Exes”


How do you feel about getting revenge on the ex that hurt you? Nothing involving harm to the person or property—just to expose him for what he is. He portrays himself as this great guy, but I know things about him that would shock people, especially his new girlfriend. I’ve spent months going back and forth between thinking he deserves it and others should know, and thinking he’s not worth it, move on. —K.I.

You’re still hurt. I get it. But you have to let it go. He is living rent-free in your head. You’re spending months thinking about a man who is thinking about the woman he is with—not you. You think you have some sort of upper hand because you have information about him that you think could ruin his reputation. What you don’t realize is that you’ve already given him the upper hand by spending months of your life still dwelling on him.

He hurt you. I get it. Forgive him anyway. Not because he deserves it but because if you don’t let your anger go, you’re going to remain stuck in it even longer. And while he’s enjoying life with the next woman, you will not meet anyone of worth or substance to treat you the way you deserve because you’re holding on to so much animosity about your past. Frankly, your bitterness is going to block your blessings.

Several celebrity ex-wives have been in the news for spilling secrets and talking greasy about their ex-husbands and, allegedly, their affairs. There was infamous basketball player Dwyane Wade’s ex, who, among many things, publicly accused him of giving her an STD and then alleged that Wade, a multimillionaire, had left her homeless.

Meanwhile, Swizz Beatz’s ex was writing open letters to his alleged mistress on Instagram in 2009. And earlier this week, Kevin Hart’s ex Torrei Hart blasted him for allegedly cheating on her—with dates and all. To her credit, maybe she’s mad, or maybe this is all just a cheap promo for her new reality show.

You’re not a celebrity, so you’re not going to get press—or money—by spilling your ex’s tea. Here’s what will happen, though. Your friends and his friends will listen to your stories, and they will laugh and they will call others and retell your tales. It may get back to your ex, and he’ll be mad. He might even call and flip on you. Maybe his new lady will hear about it, too, and she’ll look at him sideways. You and your stories will be the center of attention for a little bit.

But after the initial shock, no one will think, “Ooh, what sweet revenge!” When they’ve sobered up from their gossiping high, they’ll wonder why, if what you say is true, you stayed with him. Then they’ll wonder why, all this time later, you’re running your mouth about the past. They’ll ask each other why you are still so hung up on a guy who, by your own account, didn’t even treat you right. (That’s also a question you should ask yourself.)


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This Post Has 3 Comments

  1. Username* says:

    I don’t think it is okay to reveal what took place in your personal life for the world to see. I feel that although you are trying to expose someone else you are also bringing yourself down in the process. It is not a classy move. Your willing to degrade yourself for a buck. That says alot about ones character.

  2. Beautifully written.

    This is great advice on how to deal with anyone who has wronged us. Here in this online world, I see too many people getting offended and then going on the attack. The list of people who owe me an apology is getting too long to manage so why bother? Why give them that energy?

    Thank you so much for the reminder.

  3. Sarah says:

    Absolutely, - unless we start to think for ourselves, care ourselves and become accountable - not a single thing will change. My exhusband was like that - passive, infantile and demanding, now he is sitting on cracked all day upvoting puns about masturbation. In case you don’t fight, you lose it. Excellent write-up. xOxOx Sarah-

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